Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

[Anonymous]

Well, there’s plenty of bad therapy out there. Shouldn’t she be looking at her own behavior?

If your husband’s drinking never impacted his social or occupational functioning, it seems unlikely that he was ever a practicing alcoholic. Your own doubts weigh in favor of the same, since the alcoholic typically is the last to recognize let alone admit they have a problem.

In any event, whether or not he is whatever your daughter defines as an “alcoholic,” is none of her business. You might remind her that she could have “the gene” too. That being said, it seems more his role to respond if he wants to, not yours. He may decide that the Al-anon principle of “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, can’t control it” applies to the way she’s acting out her issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. What your daughter is doing is not right, but you are kind of powerless to do anything about it unless you want to call her out as a liar, which will cause more harm than good. IMO, the best course of action may be to come up with a couple of sentences that skirt her "recovering alcoholic" narrative, e.g., "DH was motivated to stop drinking for health reasons. We [or he] never saw his drinking as problematic, but he is much healthier now so it was definitely the right decision for him."

People who remain in your lives will eventually realize that your daughter was exaggerating. The opinions of those who don't remain in your lives won't matter in the long run.

There is never an obligation to explain to anyone why a person decides to stop drinking an industrial solvent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

OP here. This is very, very helpful perspective thank-you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m sorry you won’t be joining us for the holidays. Talk to you soon.”

Honestly, you need some space from her. I hope you’re not supporting her financially in any way. Let her take care of herself. Stop engaging in this nonsense. You don’t need to talk with her right now more than 1-2x a month. Keep your conversations superficial. She’s getting a rise out of you with this drama. Take the oxygen out of this room.

+1. Don’t engage with her nonsense theories. I know it’s hard, but don’t give it a second thought and certainly don’t apologize if you don’t actually feel like you were in the wrong. I assume you are being honest re: your accounting of your husband and her childhood. It sounds like she is jumping to really irrational conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

It sounds like she is possibly depressed and/or attention-seeking. I hope she can get the mental health treatment she needs.

[Anonymous]

Why are most people taking OP at it's face and assuming DC's childhood was fine? That kind of behavior indicates it may not have been, associated even aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are most people taking OP at it's face and assuming DC's childhood was fine? That kind of behavior indicates it may not have been, associated even aside.

*alcohol even aside.

[Anonymous]

Did she stop drinking too? I’d ask her if she was an alcoholic too. Or maybe she IS an alcoholic since she’s still drinking.

It seems pretty ridiculous and I’d have your Dh explain how much it hurts him that she lies behind his back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she stop drinking too? I’d ask her if she was an alcoholic too. Or maybe she IS an alcoholic since she’s still drinking.

It seems pretty ridiculous and I’d have your Dh explain how much it hurts him that she lies behind his back.

OP here. I don't drink. No reason other than I never particularly liked how it made me feel. Since AC drank a lot in college and enjoyed weed I asked AC if it made her an alcoholic or addict. She was pretty indignant and said absolutely not. BC she says she only smoked weed as a college student. And even now she does happy hour with girlfriends etc. As she should. But she said she only gets tipsy once in a while and they take Ubers etc. so it doesn't count as being an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

Also, if you look deep enough, she is kidding herself that there are idyllic families out there. Perhaps it is that illusion that is causing her to see pathology in her own. So sorry..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is probably right - glad he stopped

I'm sorry, but if that's alcoholism then who the hell cares.

[Anonymous]

I am on page 1 and just wanted to say there are too many bad therapists around!