Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t count because they use Ubers and only got tipsy once in a while? And her father is an alcoholic for previously having a beer or two in his home several nights a week? Come on

Does dh know this is being said about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Having an imperfect childhood? Her therapist should be setting her straight, letting her know where her childhood falls on a scale of other childhood stories she's heard. Instead the therapist is taking her money and letting the DD think she comes from a seriously messed up childhood to justify the therapy.

Your DD sounds a bit emotionally ill, if not mentally ill, OP. Have you considered that? The childhood you gave her would have been enough for a healthy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are most people taking OP at it's face and assuming DC's childhood was fine? That kind of behavior indicates it may not have been, associated even aside.

Nice try, but nope. Sometimes genes go wrong and bad kids grow up into bad adults.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Maybe she needs life experiences to learn all that glistens isn't gold. I'm friends with this mom of a family of teenagers. Looks so good on outside. My daughter would occasionally say that they were such a great and authentic family. The kids were 10 years younger than my daughter so they never hung out. But I am close with the mom and she confided in me that her husband has an online gambling addiction and is going to 12 step. I would never tell my daughter that BC it's so personal. But all that glitters isn't gold and people have their struggles. My AC thinks everyone has it easier and better than her.

[Anonymous]

Well, it’s seems as if one of these scenarios occurred:

-Your husband was/is an alcoholic and you enabled it.

-You husband isn’t an alcoholic. You and husband provided a loving, functioning home for your children. But you’ve managed to raise a daughter that is straight up melodramatic and attention-seeking. She’s rude and emotionally immature.

Regardless of which of these happened, what is apparent is that you seem to be almost afraid of your daughter. Your posts come off as trying to not to upset her and to instead want to process everything with her. If I really did my best and provided for my kids who are now successfully independent, I’d be pretty pissed off by this behavior. She sounds like a teenager having a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, what is she healing from? First post doesn’t really have anything traumatic in it? Her father drank lightly a couple times a week, was hungover after a wedding, and (unrelated?) decided to quit drinking alcohol among other healthy choices. She got a car as a kid, had college paid for, etc…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t count because they use Ubers and only got tipsy once in a while? And her father is an alcoholic for previously having a beer or two in his home several nights a week? Come on

Does dh know this is being said about him?

OP here. DH knows and it's very sad for him. He was a good dad. And he knows what it is truly like to grow up in an alcoholic family. No food in the house, passed out mother, no heat at times, physical abuse, neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Having an imperfect childhood? Her therapist should be setting her straight, letting her know where her childhood falls on a scale of other childhood stories she's heard. Instead the therapist is taking her money and letting the DD think she comes from a seriously messed up childhood to justify the therapy.

Your DD sounds a bit emotionally ill, if not mentally ill, OP. Have you considered that? The childhood you gave her would have been enough for a healthy person.

I'm this PP again. It sounds like your DD doesn't think she's good enough as she is, and has to make things up to "add value" to herself so she can get the attention she needs. This is a slipper slope. It's not healthy. She will end up a total fake, stuck in a life of life. I've known people like that. Are they sociopaths? Borderline Personality Disorder? Who knows, but they are not genuine people. When the lies hit the fan, someone ends up in deep trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Having an imperfect childhood? Her therapist should be setting her straight, letting her know where her childhood falls on a scale of other childhood stories she's heard. Instead the therapist is taking her money and letting the DD think she comes from a seriously messed up childhood to justify the therapy.

Your DD sounds a bit emotionally ill, if not mentally ill, OP. Have you considered that? The childhood you gave her would have been enough for a healthy person.

I'm this PP again. It sounds like your DD doesn't think she's good enough as she is, and has to make things up to "add value" to herself so she can get the attention she needs. This is a slipper slope. It's not healthy. She will end up a total fake, stuck in a life of life. I've known people like that. Are they sociopaths? Borderline Personality Disorder? Who knows, but they are not genuine people. When the lies hit the fan, someone ends up in deep trouble.

"Stuck in a life of lies" sorry for the typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it’s seems as if one of these scenarios occurred:

-Your husband was/is an alcoholic and you enabled it.

-You husband isn’t an alcoholic. You and husband provided a loving, functioning home for your children. But you’ve managed to raise a daughter that is straight up melodramatic and attention-seeking. She’s rude and emotionally immature.

Regardless of which of these happened, what is apparent is that you seem to be almost afraid of your daughter. Your posts come off as trying to not to upset her and to instead want to process everything with her. If I really did my best and provided for my kids who are now successfully independent, I’d be pretty pissed off by this behavior. She sounds like a teenager having a tantrum.

OP here. I do have a gear of her, of her totally cutting us off. I also though if I talked with her lots, athstvshe would get more perspective. But I go from being very sad to frankly angry, as in wtf, get a grip AC!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it’s seems as if one of these scenarios occurred:

-Your husband was/is an alcoholic and you enabled it.

-You husband isn’t an alcoholic. You and husband provided a loving, functioning home for your children. But you’ve managed to raise a daughter that is straight up melodramatic and attention-seeking. She’s rude and emotionally immature.

Regardless of which of these happened, what is apparent is that you seem to be almost afraid of your daughter. Your posts come off as trying to not to upset her and to instead want to process everything with her. If I really did my best and provided for my kids who are now successfully independent, I’d be pretty pissed off by this behavior. She sounds like a teenager having a tantrum.

OP here. I do have a gear of her, of her totally cutting us off. I also though if I talked with her lots, athstvshe would get more perspective. But I go from being very sad to frankly angry, as in wtf, get a grip AC!!!

Stop living in fear. Have some integrity. She’s making accusations about your character. It’s okay to tell others, INCLUDING your own kid that you will not tolerate that. She may cut you off, but that’s always a possibility with any parent-child relationship. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
Shut this nonsense down. When she starts in with the accusations of toxicity and melodrama, tell her “I need to end this conversation right now. I don’t put up with people treating me this way. Goodbye.”

[Anonymous]

Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

[Anonymous]

She has every right to her perspective, her memories, and her analysis of her dad’s drinking, even if you don’t agree with it. My mom “conveniently” forgets many things my dad did over the years related to drinking—including drinking and driving, hiding alcohol, and being so drunk he was hungover the next morning. *Even my dad admits to this.*

So you disagree. That’s fine. But she has a right to her feelings and her perspective. If you want to invite her to family events or reach out to her, do so. If you’d rather not engage with her, then don’t.

But drop the desire to control her memories, beliefs and perspective—that’s not your job, that’s not your say-so, and you need to let go of wanting to control her in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has every right to her perspective, her memories, and her analysis of her dad’s drinking, even if you don’t agree with it. My mom “conveniently” forgets many things my dad did over the years related to drinking—including drinking and driving, hiding alcohol, and being so drunk he was hungover the next morning. *Even my dad admits to this.*

So you disagree. That’s fine. But she has a right to her feelings and her perspective. If you want to invite her to family events or reach out to her, do so. If you’d rather not engage with her, then don’t.

But drop the desire to control her memories, beliefs and perspective—that’s not your job, that’s not your say-so, and you need to let go of wanting to control her in that way.

Uh, have you read what the DD says occurred? It's not drinking and driving, hiding alcohol or being drunk and hungover the next morning. Sorry, but the mild things OP's DD is complaining about are not worth thinking about.

Maybe she is comparing her relatively good childhood to your DH's childhood and feeling like an entitled, spoiled brat in comparison so she has to come up with some drama and struggle where there was none, to compete with him. Has he ever said, "You've got it easy compared to my childhood"?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she’s very unhappy for whatever reason and blaming you, her parents. If your description of your Dh’s drinking is true, she has no clue what alcoholism really is or what children of alcoholics actually have to deal with. At some point, she’ll get called out on it and will look like a fool.

You can’t control what she says or what her “memories” are, or how she reacts to them. It’s hurtful, but maybe you need to distance yourself. Don’t even get roped into the crazy conversations. Hopefully she can find whatever she thinks she’s missing in life—but she has to do that on her own.