Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

That is so obnoxious and I wouldn’t be able to deal. I think you need to nicely call her out on this stuff. How is she going to survive in the real world with this attitude? She’s doing herself a big disservice and even though she’s an adult j think you need to say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that there's a whole lot more to this story, OP.

If you want to maintain a relationship with you daughter, it's up to you to go to therapy and figure out what you did wrong raising this kid. Kids don't just alienate themselves from their parents like this, without a whole lot of other stuff going on. Your husband sounds kind of like a dry drunk, TBH. You sound like an enabler.

If you don't want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, continue to minimize your husband's behavior and your behavior, and blame your daughter.

Really? She can recollect 2 times (at social events like New Years and a wedding) where her father got drunk along with everyone else over the course of her entire life and, beyond that he drank very moderately? This is getting ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know. It is so ridiculous I'm surprised no one has accused me of being a troll!!! I'd be skeptical too. It is so over the top. She's always liked drama but I was hoping things would tone down as she got older
What happens to people like this? Doe she just alienate people ? Will she wale up before age 30 and come to her senses? I really do worry about it and wonder...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know. It is so ridiculous I'm surprised no one has accused me of being a troll!!! I'd be skeptical too. It is so over the top. She's always liked drama but I was hoping things would tone down as she got older
What happens to people like this? Doe she just alienate people ? Will she wale up before age 30 and come to her senses? I really do worry about it and wonder...

My SIL is like this and she’s 24. Her group of friends appear to bond over their perceived mental health issues and they spend a lot of time talking about the trauma of daily life.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

Do you say those things to her? Do you tell her she sounds ridiculous and spoiled to be calling an argument about the dishwasher "trauma"? Do you tell her that talking about people in a negative way behind their backs is a betrayal, and that decent people A, don't do that and B, don't tend to have friends who do? Do you tell her that she may want to revisit her relationship with her father, because he is one of the most important people in her life, like it or not? That she will very likely need him one day? Do you ask her how she would feel if you and your DH told everyone how much SHE sucked?

Etc. Spell it out for her because she's not seeing herself clearly. Her roommate must also be into the "trauma" BS otherwise she wouldn't be dancing around with her about it. Get her away from this roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

But tell her WHY. Tell her what's wrong with the crap she is spewing.

[Anonymous]

It isn't about drinking, it's about dysfunction. She is trying to figure out why she is having emotional issues. Let her work through it. There is generational dysfunction and denying it won't make her suddenly emotionally well.

OP is telling one side of a story. Daughter would tell a different story. Truth may be somewhere in the middle. Meanwhile your daughter is crying out for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

I could have been your daughter when I was a young adult. I was so angry with my mom for embarrassing me by including her family in our major life events. Her family members are uneducated, many of them have substance abuse problems, and all of them have relationship issues. My mom could easily have avoided including them because we didn't live close. With time, I have realized that I was largely angry because there is something different about me that impacts my ability to be successful in conventional ways -- ADHD and social anxiety -- and I think it is genetic. Your daughter is going to have to work through whatever it is she's dealing with, and it may take her years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

But tell her WHY. Tell her what's wrong with the crap she is spewing.

Actually I wouldn’t suggest telling her why. That is an invitation to engaging and arguing around this. Basically it’s applying that “grey rock” approach where you give minimal response to the drama. I think that OP has been allowing this to continue and will try to reason with dd. It’s time to pull back and “grey rock.”
Here’s a link to describe what that is if you’ve never heard of it: https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

[Anonymous]

Are you sure there’s not more to it? If it’s really as you describe (your daughters childhood was pretty happy, your husband was a moderate drinker but certainly not an alcoholic, your daughter wasn’t exposed to any truly dysfunctional people during her childhood besides controlled visits w her alcoholic grandmother) then I think your daughter is histrionic and emotionally immature at best in describing your DH’s “alcoholism” and her “childhood trauma.”

But maybe there’s more to the story…maybe there were incidents of your DH’s drinking that you conveniently forgot or are not admitting to…

My dad is an alcoholic but neither he nor my mom would ever admit that to anyone, even to themselves. How do I know my dad is an alcoholic? Because he drinks 4-5 drinks every single night and has for as long as I can remember minus 2 years when he randomly decided to become sober. I don’t think he has ever driven after drinking and he has never really seemed belligerent while drinking or hungover the next day but drinking as much as he does daily alone makes him an alcoholic. Are you sure your husband really only had 1-2 drinks a few nights a week? Are you sure there were no incidents w your daughter present? Like he drunkenly called her a name or otherwise was verbally abusive or did something upsetting/concerning?

If I mentioned to my parents that my dad is an alcoholic or even hinted that I think he drinks too much, they would both be shocked and appalled and gaslight me and deny it.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP - calm down - you have like instantly relied to every post

Anyway, any time you start a story describing the picture perfect childhood your kid had just know the other person is rolling their eyes inwardly - yes you were perfect. You probably never criticized, never pushed, never controlled - I think you get it.

I don’t doubt that a dad could a functioning alcoholic and the mom would vehemently deny. I have see it IRL.

Also I think you are the poster who probably makes up these “my adult kid went to therapy posts…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

But tell her WHY. Tell her what's wrong with the crap she is spewing.

Actually I wouldn’t suggest telling her why. That is an invitation to engaging and arguing around this. Basically it’s applying that “grey rock” approach where you give minimal response to the drama. I think that OP has been allowing this to continue and will try to reason with dd. It’s time to pull back and “grey rock.”
Here’s a link to describe what that is if you’ve never heard of it: https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

Grey rock is evil. I would use grey rock if I were stuck in a subway car with a mentally ill homeless person looking for eye contact, not with my own child. OP is her mother. She should have taught her these things along the way. She can't just block her DD out now because she's annoying. She has to teach her.

This "grey rock" is some kind of BS. It's sickening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure there’s not more to it? If it’s really as you describe (your daughters childhood was pretty happy, your husband was a moderate drinker but certainly not an alcoholic, your daughter wasn’t exposed to any truly dysfunctional people during her childhood besides controlled visits w her alcoholic grandmother) then I think your daughter is histrionic and emotionally immature at best in describing your DH’s “alcoholism” and her “childhood trauma.”

But maybe there’s more to the story…maybe there were incidents of your DH’s drinking that you conveniently forgot or are not admitting to…

My dad is an alcoholic but neither he nor my mom would ever admit that to anyone, even to themselves. How do I know my dad is an alcoholic? Because he drinks 4-5 drinks every single night and has for as long as I can remember minus 2 years when he randomly decided to become sober. I don’t think he has ever driven after drinking and he has never really seemed belligerent while drinking or hungover the next day but drinking as much as he does daily alone makes him an alcoholic. Are you sure your husband really only had 1-2 drinks a few nights a week? Are you sure there were no incidents w your daughter present? Like he drunkenly called her a name or otherwise was verbally abusive or did something upsetting/concerning?

If I mentioned to my parents that my dad is an alcoholic or even hinted that I think he drinks too much, they would both be shocked and appalled and gaslight me and deny it.

This is one of the things that makes alcoholism so destructive -- everyone has to be complicit in the big lie that it's not happening. But OP's DD is the one telling OP what her dad did that makes her think he's an alcoholic, and it's not much.