Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

But tell her WHY. Tell her what's wrong with the crap she is spewing.

Actually I wouldn’t suggest telling her why. That is an invitation to engaging and arguing around this. Basically it’s applying that “grey rock” approach where you give minimal response to the drama. I think that OP has been allowing this to continue and will try to reason with dd. It’s time to pull back and “grey rock.”
Here’s a link to describe what that is if you’ve never heard of it: https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

Grey rock is evil. I would use grey rock if I were stuck in a subway car with a mentally ill homeless person looking for eye contact, not with my own child. OP is her mother. She should have taught her these things along the way. She can't just block her DD out now because she's annoying. She has to teach her.

This "grey rock" is some kind of BS. It's sickening.

OMG. Calm down. Try reading. The suggestion to take similar approach to the DRAMA, not to typical interactions. No one is suggesting that OP cut off all contact with her child. It’s about putting up some boundaries. OP needs to stop giving oxygen to statements like she shouldn’t have ever had children and how the daughter experienced “trauma” when the roommate asked her to empty the dishwasher. Again, calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP - calm down - you have like instantly relied to every post

Anyway, any time you start a story describing the picture perfect childhood your kid had just know the other person is rolling their eyes inwardly - yes you were perfect. You probably never criticized, never pushed, never controlled - I think you get it.

I don’t doubt that a dad could a functioning alcoholic and the mom would vehemently deny. I have see it IRL.

Also I think you are the poster who probably makes up these “my adult kid went to therapy posts…”

Agree with this post. I cringed when OP opened up with "yearly vacations, private school..." in the first post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

“Larla, please stop sending these to me. Let’s set up a weekly phone check in. I’m happy to call you on Sunday evenings unless you want to suggest a different day.”

Stop being a place where she can park this stuff.

But tell her WHY. Tell her what's wrong with the crap she is spewing.

Actually I wouldn’t suggest telling her why. That is an invitation to engaging and arguing around this. Basically it’s applying that “grey rock” approach where you give minimal response to the drama. I think that OP has been allowing this to continue and will try to reason with dd. It’s time to pull back and “grey rock.”
Here’s a link to describe what that is if you’ve never heard of it: https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

Grey rock is evil. I would use grey rock if I were stuck in a subway car with a mentally ill homeless person looking for eye contact, not with my own child. OP is her mother. She should have taught her these things along the way. She can't just block her DD out now because she's annoying. She has to teach her.

This "grey rock" is some kind of BS. It's sickening.

OMG. Calm down. Try reading. The suggestion to take similar approach to the DRAMA, not to typical interactions. No one is suggesting that OP cut off all contact with her child. It’s about putting up some boundaries. OP needs to stop giving oxygen to statements like she shouldn’t have ever had children and how the daughter experienced “trauma” when the roommate asked her to empty the dishwasher. Again, calm down.

You calm down. Better yet, grey rock me so I can engage with others instead. That's what OP's DD is doing -- she's getting all this crap elsewhere. I would say, "I would hardly call that trauma. Did you get in a big fight or something?" Or, "it's okay, this is part of having a roommate. Maybe you should establish some simple rules." Etc. Why in the world would you create "boundaries" -- i.e., stop communicating -- specifically around the issues that are problematic? Those are the things her DD needs help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know. It is so ridiculous I'm surprised no one has accused me of being a troll!!! I'd be skeptical too. It is so over the top. She's always liked drama but I was hoping things would tone down as she got older
What happens to people like this? Doe she just alienate people ? Will she wale up before age 30 and come to her senses? I really do worry about it and wonder...

My niece is like this.
In the early days of Facebook, she blocked all immediate family, wrote a missive Note blaming her parents and older siblings for ruining her life in countless ways, and tagged 800+ friends. At the time, she was seeing a psychotherapist twice a week, funded by her parents. She changed her phone number, changed her name, and cut all immediate family out of her life. She resurfaced two years later when she needed money, and my sister has walked on eggshells since for fear she cut them off again.

About 8 relationships and 5 careers later, she’s still a perpetual victim…and now a licensed therapist.
No doubt encouraging other traumatized 20 somethings to go no contact.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op. I’m sick of all this victimhood stuff. My sister does this to my mom. It’s crazy. She goes to therapy sessions and then just dumps on my mom. My mom was a good mom. My sister was just a difficult child to parent. She was wild. But they worked so hard to make her successful and she is now.

[Anonymous]

There is a victimhood mentality especially among teens/people in their early 20s. Everything is trauma and every emotion is a disorder. I hope your daughter matures out of it

[Anonymous]

Not to pathologize but....

Something is seriously wrong with your daughter (maybe.) Or this is a weird phase. Early to mid 20s is when real issues show up

Don't take it personally just keep loving and supporting her. Listen and acknowledge what she's saying but there's no point to it.

Hopefully she will outgrow the victim mentality.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is in her mid 20’s. Tell us about her day to day life. Does she work 100% from home? Does she have friends or a boyfriend? How did she find this roommate? She should be enjoying the single life and going on vacations with friends, not holed up in her room watching tic tok trauma videos. When she starts talking about her traumatic childhood, ask her for her plans going forward. Dwelling on this crap isn’t DEALING with it. Maybe you need some therapy /advice on how to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m sorry you won’t be joining us for the holidays. Talk to you soon.”

Honestly, you need some space from her. I hope you’re not supporting her financially in any way. Let her take care of herself. Stop engaging in this nonsense. You don’t need to talk with her right now more than 1-2x a month. Keep your conversations superficial. She’s getting a rise out of you with this drama. Take the oxygen out of this room. [/quote

Op, I think this is good advice. I know it hurts, but you need to step back. Tell her that as of x date, you aren’t paying any of her bills anymore she’s 25. Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know. It is so ridiculous I'm surprised no one has accused me of being a troll!!! I'd be skeptical too. It is so over the top. She's always liked drama but I was hoping things would tone down as she got older
What happens to people like this? Doe she just alienate people ? Will she wale up before age 30 and come to her senses? I really do worry about it and wonder...

The more I read, the more I think borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry op. I’m sick of all this victimhood stuff. My sister does this to my mom. It’s crazy. She goes to therapy sessions and then just dumps on my mom. My mom was a good mom. My sister was just a difficult child to parent. She was wild. But they worked so hard to make her successful and she is now.

Does anyone say this, out loud, directly to your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know. It is so ridiculous I'm surprised no one has accused me of being a troll!!! I'd be skeptical too. It is so over the top. She's always liked drama but I was hoping things would tone down as she got older
What happens to people like this? Doe she just alienate people ? Will she wale up before age 30 and come to her senses? I really do worry about it and wonder...

The more I read, the more I think borderline personality disorder.

I'm not an expert, by far, and I don't know how borderline personality disorder relates to this, but I think sociopaths create their own identities, like those bees or ants who create a hive around them out of their own spit. They will latch onto anything that gives them an identity or that they can add to their identity. They're hollow on the inside, just a walking shell of their own creation.

Taking on different identities is part of going through adolescence and to some extent young adulthood. I think people get over this as they mature. If not, they are sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is in her mid 20’s. Tell us about her day to day life. Does she work 100% from home? Does she have friends or a boyfriend? How did she find this roommate? She should be enjoying the single life and going on vacations with friends, not holed up in her room watching tic tok trauma videos. When she starts talking about her traumatic childhood, ask her for her plans going forward. Dwelling on this crap isn’t DEALING with it. Maybe you need some therapy /advice on how to deal with her.

OP here. She lives independently with a roommate, has friends, socializes dates etc. She works primarily in person with occasional home Tele.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

I'm interested in this too. When I became an adult my dad apologized for "overspanking" for 18 years. Parents like to tell their stories.