Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the person who brought up the estranged parents stuff, and let's say we lay off of it, because it won't serve OP. My point, which was made recklessly, is that OP does NOT fit the pattern of an abusive parent who is obfuscating her abuse. OP has the very odd and seldom case that it isn't her fault -- she's got a kid with a personality disorder. The estranged part relates to her only in that her DD threatened it, but the AC DD will never cut off her mother unless her mother has nothing left to offer her, which is never, so that is not happening.

OP, I am sorry for the confusion that I created. There are people here with various agendas. My agenda has to do with personality disorders/abuse/trauma etc, but I recognized your daughter immediately and had to tell you -- she is a BPD.

BPD occurs because of a pattern of abuse and neglect by parents. It's a trauma reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the person who brought up the estranged parents stuff, and let's say we lay off of it, because it won't serve OP. My point, which was made recklessly, is that OP does NOT fit the pattern of an abusive parent who is obfuscating her abuse. OP has the very odd and seldom case that it isn't her fault -- she's got a kid with a personality disorder. The estranged part relates to her only in that her DD threatened it, but the AC DD will never cut off her mother unless her mother has nothing left to offer her, which is never, so that is not happening.

OP, I am sorry for the confusion that I created. There are people here with various agendas. My agenda has to do with personality disorders/abuse/trauma etc, but I recognized your daughter immediately and had to tell you -- she is a BPD.

BPD occurs because of a pattern of abuse and neglect by parents. It's a trauma reaction.

It's genetic plus environmental and there doesn't have to be abuse for it to pop up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the person who brought up the estranged parents stuff, and let's say we lay off of it, because it won't serve OP. My point, which was made recklessly, is that OP does NOT fit the pattern of an abusive parent who is obfuscating her abuse. OP has the very odd and seldom case that it isn't her fault -- she's got a kid with a personality disorder. The estranged part relates to her only in that her DD threatened it, but the AC DD will never cut off her mother unless her mother has nothing left to offer her, which is never, so that is not happening.

OP, I am sorry for the confusion that I created. There are people here with various agendas. My agenda has to do with personality disorders/abuse/trauma etc, but I recognized your daughter immediately and had to tell you -- she is a BPD.

So you're blaming parents for mental illness in offspring...

BPD occurs because of a pattern of abuse and neglect by parents. It's a trauma reaction.

[Anonymous]

If it gives you any hope, what you’re describing sounds very much like my sister in her 20s. We had the same childhood so I’m well placed to comment, and the stuff she came up with was nuts. My parents were more patient with it than I was and continued to reach out to her and try to maintain a relationship. Now she’s in her 30s and seems to have mostly returned to sanity. Every now and then she’ll make some statement about our childhood that is completely warped, but most of the time she’s fine and has a good relationship with me and with our parents.

[Anonymous]

#1 going over your childhood and being angry with your parents is a very normal part of the therapy process

#2 she feels unsupported in some way… were you or your husband emotionally distant? I’m guessing maybe your husband was? Consistent, connected, respectful parenting was not modeled by the alcoholic grandmother. Perhaps it’s easier to say dad was an alcoholic than he was present but detached?

#3 it’s hard growing up around UMC private school families who are just absolutely showered with love and attention from local aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents… I’m an only child who grew up without any extended family and I was always incredibly jealous of the support network other girls had… I’d say this became even more difficult as an adult. I didn’t have a big family to host wedding and baby showers. There was no built-in BFF sister to be my maid of honor & bachelorette planner. I have always had dear friends but they all have big supportive families in addition to friends. My lack of family support is something that I talk about openly with them bc it feels necessary. They often take those supports for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the person who brought up the estranged parents stuff, and let's say we lay off of it, because it won't serve OP. My point, which was made recklessly, is that OP does NOT fit the pattern of an abusive parent who is obfuscating her abuse. OP has the very odd and seldom case that it isn't her fault -- she's got a kid with a personality disorder. The estranged part relates to her only in that her DD threatened it, but the AC DD will never cut off her mother unless her mother has nothing left to offer her, which is never, so that is not happening.

OP, I am sorry for the confusion that I created. There are people here with various agendas. My agenda has to do with personality disorders/abuse/trauma etc, but I recognized your daughter immediately and had to tell you -- she is a BPD.

So you're blaming parents for mental illness in offspring...

BPD occurs because of a pattern of abuse and neglect by parents. It's a trauma reaction.

I am saying it's in the genes, mostly.

Families with the genes plus trauma/abuse - bpd expressed regularly

Families with the genes plus NO trauma/abuse - bpd expressed less regularly

Families without the genes plus major trauma/abuse -- this is potentially changing genes to introduce bpd to be passed down

Etc

This is difficult because the families who have the genetic part usually also have abuse/dysfunction/trauma but not always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she’s very unhappy for whatever reason and blaming you, her parents. If your description of your Dh’s drinking is true, she has no clue what alcoholism really is or what children of alcoholics actually have to deal with. At some point, she’ll get called out on it and will look like a fool.

You can’t control what she says or what her “memories” are, or how she reacts to them. It’s hurtful, but maybe you need to distance yourself. Don’t even get roped into the crazy conversations. Hopefully she can find whatever she thinks she’s missing in life—but she has to do that on her own.

OP here. I think I'll set some boundaries too per some of these suggestions. I've been roped into too many dump sessions with her. As far as DH he has never told her she had it good compared to him. He doesn't want to engage in a contest if who had it worse. I do see she has low self esteemi think but in some ways she's very arrogant. She'll tell people about say her friends or colleagues and emphasize how everyone loves her. I personally think that's weird. That is why I suspected narcissism BC she always has to have validation and likes administration

OP here. Typo. Admiration. If someone says something complimentary about me I try to accept compliment gracefully but always feel a little awkward or I move on quick. But Ive seen my daughter receive compliments (as she should sometimes,,), and I see her almost puff up and I can see she basks in it. I do like receiving compliments too but more enjoy the glow of the compliment behind closed doors sp
So to speak. I don't like receiving a lot of attention in front of others.

Your daughter sounds flailing and misguided in what sounds like an attempt to separate herself from you and her father but shere there is smoke and all. She sounds damaged. But make no mistake no one survives what your husband did without being plenty damaged themselves. He may not see it that way and you may not either.

Perhaps he developed a narrative not unlike that of your daughters. Maybe he’s a narc. Who knows maybe you are likewise really damaged yourself from your family of origin. There is a reason you were drawn to and married the AC of an alcoholic.

Eh hard to say. But lots of unhappy families and people out there and they are all unhappy in the same way. Nothing you can do about it. Accept it and carry on. If she comes back she comes back if not some degree of family splintering was inevitable given the dynamics of your FU-FOOs

[Anonymous]

OP, having one loving, mostly well adjusted child out of two is pretty great. I know it hurts that your daughter feels victimized by her prey damn idyllic childhood. It sounds like the only mistake you made was teaching her any sense of her enormous, outsized luck and privilege. But she might have had narcissistic, blaming qualities anyway. We can influence the people our children become but we can’t control them.

I would encourage you to get therapy to let go of feeling responsible for who your child is now, to accept what joys there were in raising her, and to see your future differently with a very limited role for her in your life. You can keep the door open but choose to find joy in what you DO have: a great son, a loving husband, health, financial privilege, stability. What’s the worst that could happen in this trajectory…maybe she writes a “tell all” book with crazy accusations? That would suck, but you’d still have your loving son, a great husband, the ability to travel, health, and hopefully some friends.

Please try to love what you have and let her go where she will go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, having one loving, mostly well adjusted child out of two is pretty great. I know it hurts that your daughter feels victimized by her prey damn idyllic childhood. It sounds like the only mistake you made was teaching her any sense of her enormous, outsized luck and privilege. But she might have had narcissistic, blaming qualities anyway. We can influence the people our children become but we can’t control them.

I would encourage you to get therapy to let go of feeling responsible for who your child is now, to accept what joys there were in raising her, and to see your future differently with a very limited role for her in your life. You can keep the door open but choose to find joy in what you DO have: a great son, a loving husband, health, financial privilege, stability. What’s the worst that could happen in this trajectory…maybe she writes a “tell all” book with crazy accusations? That would suck, but you’d still have your loving son, a great husband, the ability to travel, health, and hopefully some friends.

Please try to love what you have and let her go where she will go.

Sorry, I meant to say *not* helping her gain any understanding of her outsized privilege and luck with the childhood she had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 going over your childhood and being angry with your parents is a very normal part of the therapy process

#2 she feels unsupported in some way… were you or your husband emotionally distant? I’m guessing maybe your husband was? Consistent, connected, respectful parenting was not modeled by the alcoholic grandmother. Perhaps it’s easier to say dad was an alcoholic than he was present but detached?

#3 it’s hard growing up around UMC private school families who are just absolutely showered with love and attention from local aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents… I’m an only child who grew up without any extended family and I was always incredibly jealous of the support network other girls had… I’d say this became even more difficult as an adult. I didn’t have a big family to host wedding and baby showers. There was no built-in BFF sister to be my maid of honor & bachelorette planner. I have always had dear friends but they all have big supportive families in addition to friends. My lack of family support is something that I talk about openly with them bc it feels necessary. They often take those supports for granted.

If you think this is hard, you have no idea what hard is. Re-read what you wrote. FFS. You have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it gives you any hope, what you’re describing sounds very much like my sister in her 20s. We had the same childhood so I’m well placed to comment, and the stuff she came up with was nuts. My parents were more patient with it than I was and continued to reach out to her and try to maintain a relationship. Now she’s in her 30s and seems to have mostly returned to sanity. Every now and then she’ll make some statement about our childhood that is completely warped, but most of the time she’s fine and has a good relationship with me and with our parents.

This was also my sister in her early 30s. Went to therapy and between her and her therapist they figured it all out. My parents strategy was to take the long view and ignore all of the comments about their “prior communication style” and “alcoholic father” (who could go weeks and never drink and never got seriously drunk”) and my mother the “co-dependent,” etc. It all faded into the background, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

I'm sorry, but let her know that every family has some level of generational trauma, and if "not having any" was the criteria for having children, then humanity would have gone extinct a long time ago.

I had similar issues with one of my AC and it was so distressing. Everything was my fault...not making enough money, hates job, apt isn't posh enough, friends are living more comfortable, why can't i help more, I'm not supportive enough, I favor younger (minor) children, dating issues....I was to blame for all of it. There were even a few "if you don't help me with this, then my life won't be worth living" ultimatums. It got to the point where it was just too toxic, so I drastically minimized our interactions....which was the best thing I could have done. Eventually AC got their act together, became accountable, matured a lot, and started seeing life from a different angle. Things are much better...even pleasant now, but it took me having to put my foot down for us to get here.

Remember this OP, abuse takes many forms, but you don't have to accept it...not from friends, kids, your spouse, siblings, parents, bosses, neighbors....anyone. Maybe there is more to the story than you're sharing with us, and maybe there is less to the story than your AC is sharing with her friends, but maybe group family therapy can help reconcile the different versions so your family can get to a better place. Good luck to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is still healing. Her anger is indicative that she is in place of blame. When healing begins there is anger and also compassion, forgiveness (for self and others). She is on her way and I hope she continues but it sounds like she is barely 1/2 way through the storm. Give her time. Maybe a few more years. In the meantime focus on self care, compassion with boundaries, and same for you partner.

Healing from what? Don’t agree with her or have compassion because it just feeds into her delusions. Tell her to focus on being positive and don’t even justify or engage any talk of drinking, alcoholism, or genes.

OP here. I'm not entirely sure what she's healing from. But either way she's unhappy. She told me it was selfish of me to have children when we have generational trauma in the family. She told me people shouldn't pro-create if they have trauma. And only emotionally healthy stable people from good solid families should pro-create. I told her that this wasn't a eugenics society that we live in. But she didn't know what I meant. I do encourage her to look on the bright side of life and all the gifts and silver linings. She thinks I'm being silly saying that.

I'm sorry, but let her know that every family has some level of generational trauma, and if "not having any" was the criteria for having children, then humanity would have gone extinct a long time ago.

I had similar issues with one of my AC and it was so distressing. Everything was my fault...not making enough money, hates job, apt isn't posh enough, friends are living more comfortable, why can't i help more, I'm not supportive enough, I favor younger (minor) children, dating issues....I was to blame for all of it. There were even a few "if you don't help me with this, then my life won't be worth living" ultimatums. It got to the point where it was just too toxic, so I drastically minimized our interactions....which was the best thing I could have done. Eventually AC got their act together, became accountable, matured a lot, and started seeing life from a different angle. Things are much better...even pleasant now, but it took me having to put my foot down for us to get here.

Remember this OP, abuse takes many forms, but you don't have to accept it...not from friends, kids, your spouse, siblings, parents, bosses, neighbors....anyone. Maybe there is more to the story than you're sharing with us, and maybe there is less to the story than your AC is sharing with her friends, but maybe group family therapy can help reconcile the different versions so your family can get to a better place. Good luck to you

OP here. Thank-you so much for this detailed post!

[Anonymous]

Unless I am misreading, you all stopped financially supporting daughter a year ago and now more and more “it’s your fault” is being said about you…. Would loop on repeat to your daughter, “glad you are talking to someone” and as son talking to you about all this now too, this year plan holiday trip with just you and husband and see kids separately after. Unconditional love does not mean take all that someone dishes out.

[Anonymous]

She sounds wrong to dump everything on you, but she sounds right that your DH used to drink too much. You don’t need to be falling over drunk every day to be an alcoholic.