Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn the meaning of the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers.”

Your attitude in this thread is appalling.

Most of these people are just projecting their own issues. I have trouble with not liking my mom's cooking? Obviously someone who has some issue with someone in her family not liking her cooking or not feeling appreciated for it. This thread isn't even about cooking and she doesn't cook. She just heats up premade casseroles a couple or days a week that no one complains about.

That grandma I mentioned above helped out till the kids were in 5th grade. Then in the six years after she was mostly alone and got into conspiracy theory websites and ended up having a heart attack from reading some information about "liberals". It was very sad and the daughter who was also conservative admitted her mom spent too much time obsessing about politics and being online and they should have continued doing more with her. There are worse things in the world to do than shop for food for your grandchildren. While some posts encourage and ask for debate others are just asking for help like this one. Which I got and said I was all set only to have more hate piled on. If all you can do is play mother or grandma knows best in a mean way to someone you don't know that you have no direct experience with as an accomplishment for the day than you probably aren't helping yourself like you think you are and it's just going to raise up your cortisol levels like it did this grandma. Conspiracy theory websites can be dangerous and perhaps dcum even more so for some people.

[Anonymous]

You should buy some food and have it ready just in case you can't coordinate in time. Sandwich things, cans of soup, string cheese - lots of easy things out there. Working single moms have been doing this for 100's of years without help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's mother sounds like my mother, except our struggle is over communicating re timing. When she will arrive? When she left? Is she even coming? It's a constant game of gotcha.

This is a power dynamic. My mother refuses to tell me when she's left or ETA for anything, because she wants the control over the schedule. She thinks we should just be sitting around, waiting for whenever she will get here. When my father was alive he used to text me this info because he knew my mother wouldn't. I don't know if it's deliberate or subconscious, but it has caused so many problems in our relationship.

Unless your mother has some sort of cognitive issue she is perfectly able to tell you the info you need if you have asked her directly and specifically for it. But she won't and she's shown you this. That is who she is. She isn't going to change this. There are no task charts, YouTube videos, bullet check lists to get your mother to tell you about meals and groceries.

I suggest you get instacart and just stop dealing with this. You can either continue to play the victim in this game or lead and take control.

It isn't this. She has some cognitive issues and can only devote 1-2 hours a day and doesn't want to get sucked into more or have to be accountable. It is what it is. She can't plan well anymore or coordinate well. Fruits and snacks are bought. We are all set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should buy some food and have it ready just in case you can't coordinate in time. Sandwich things, cans of soup, string cheese - lots of easy things out there. Working single moms have been doing this for 100's of years without help.

Not well. Reports of poor child upbringing by single moms are all over the place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

You just seem like a b*

Lol! Thanks, OP! At least I'm a b* that can take care of my own kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

You just seem like a b*

Lol! Thanks, OP! At least I'm a b* that can take care of my own kids!

I'm glad you have a positive trait to make up for the lack of kindness and any ability to help another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy some food and have it ready just in case you can't coordinate in time. Sandwich things, cans of soup, string cheese - lots of easy things out there. Working single moms have been doing this for 100's of years without help.

Not well. Reports of poor child upbringing by single moms are all over the place

But you think taking your kids to McDonald’s for dinner three times a week is good child upbringing?!

[Anonymous]

Beggars can’t be choosers OP. You can’t dictate how she helps you. You can ask her nicely (which presumably you have already done) but you can’t control her nor should you expect to be able to.

So either accept this help as it comes, or refuse the help, but those are literally your only two options.

And yeah your attitude is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

Would it work, for some of the tasks, if you had something like a "dishwasher is clean/dishwasher is dirty" sign to flip over when something is or is not done? Maybe something like that would work for the laundry. For example, if she did the laundry, she puts out the "laundry is washed and folded" sign.

Or another model might be a kids chore chart: for each day, meals, groceries, etc. She Marks off if it was done or not. Or mark off a day ahead of time that she won't be cooking the Wednesday dinner.

Or it could be a shared electronic to-do list, items to check off. Of course, she may not like these things either.

If i was a grandma doing all this and given a chore chart, I wouldn’t be super happy.

While I understand your point, whomever is helping with any task whether it is with the family or pta, if you can't communicate and compromise you are going to be less effective and people are going to have to always have back up plans orbe disappointed in your work. I can't show up to run the PTA event and not coordinate with anyone or live up to any reasonable standards. Sure there is freedom in say volunteering for the 2nd grade party or babysitting the grandkids but you do have to be dependable. To not be accountable at all is a little hard to deal with. One of my married friends parents watched her kids every day after preschool to elementary school for 3 hours a day and the rule was they had to go to church with her twice a week and she didn't do field trips taking them anywhere except church or the park next door. So she set boundaries but within that she and the mom coordinated things the kids needed. The mom often had things the kids needed to do and the grandma would just say I can handle this or I can't. Now as the grandma got older she became less of a help and the parents used her less because she did get tired and could only do so much. A lot of it is just age. As people age they have less ability to help others and have to focus on themselves.

I guess I'd be OK with OP being disappointed in me as a grandma then. She's ridiculous.
I am still wondering why she needs a text that the laundry is folded...

[Anonymous]

For the same reason why at work people ask if tasks or done or the same reason why you text your husband if something is done or your contractor or anyone you are sharing a task with. So you can take it off your mental and physical load to-do list. If I don't know that she's stopped by to finish the laundry then I don't know if I need to do it still or if Larla has clean clothes for the next day. I only find out when I get home and sometimes then have to stay up and do the laundry later and have back up clothes. She doesn't like electronics and uses them sparingly. It's a different generational issue. Just trying to explain why people want responses to completing tasks for those that don't understand this. It's ok that she doesn't. I made accommodations. But it is helpful when someone does tell you when they are finished with something so you can stop thinking about it or planning to do the work yourself.

I'm done needing suggestions. BTW thank you to the above for the instacart recommendation. That's another good suggestion I'll add to my list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

You just seem like a b*

Lol! Thanks, OP! At least I'm a b* that can take care of my own kids!

I'm glad you have a positive trait to make up for the lack of kindness and any ability to help another person.

You're a user and taking advantage of your elderly mother. You're not kind nor nice and have been rude to everyone here. Take care of your own kids, they are your responsibility and you're seriously lacking in that area while you are bending over backwards to pat yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a single mother and you’re ridiculous. You’re acting like a toddler so I’ll treat you like one, you get what you get and don’t pitch a fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the same reason why at work people ask if tasks or done or the same reason why you text your husband if something is done or your contractor or anyone you are sharing a task with. So you can take it off your mental and physical load to-do list. If I don't know that she's stopped by to finish the laundry then I don't know if I need to do it still or if Larla has clean clothes for the next day. I only find out when I get home and sometimes then have to stay up and do the laundry later and have back up clothes. She doesn't like electronics and uses them sparingly. It's a different generational issue. Just trying to explain why people want responses to completing tasks for those that don't understand this. It's ok that she doesn't. I made accommodations. But it is helpful when someone does tell you when they are finished with something so you can stop thinking about it or planning to do the work yourself.

I'm done needing suggestions. BTW thank you to the above for the instacart recommendation. That's another good suggestion I'll add to my list.

You already said you were done here before, but you keep coming back to dump on people with your bad attitude. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Otherwise you get what you get. Your mother isn't your employee so stop treating her like one unless you plan to start paying her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

You just seem like a b*

Lol! Thanks, OP! At least I'm a b* that can take care of my own kids!

I'm glad you have a positive trait to make up for the lack of kindness and any ability to help another person.

You're a user and taking advantage of your elderly mother. You're not kind nor nice and have been rude to everyone here. Take care of your own kids, they are your responsibility and you're seriously lacking in that area while you are bending over backwards to pat yourself on the back.

I have said thank you to everyone that has been helpful. You specifically came on here to berate and have no experience and no helpful suggestions. You've been a jerk from the start and came on here to be one. There are people like you all over dcum and it takes five pages just to get one helpful suggestion these days because of people like you. You can't even ask where is a good church without someone commenting on your religion or ask whether to go on vacation somewhere without someone telling you how wasteful spending is to do that activity. You like to hate. It is obvious.