Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

This. If you can’t handle her cooking style then don’t depend on her for that task. Or cook your own meals on weekends and freeze so you have something quick on standby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

Your attitude stinks. That’s at least 50% of your problem. NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

OP, if this is truly how you felt, you wouldn't have started this friend. I am a different poster, but PP's response was spot on. On a day-to-day basis, you can't rely on your mom to have bought food and prepared meals. So you need some sort of stop-gap. Either stock up on some frozen meals or make some meals to freeze so you have options on the days that your mother doesn't provide food. Would your mother stick to a meal plan for the week if you create it together? That way you would know which days she can't cook? If she really won't communicate with you, her "help" actually becomes more of a problem/burden.

No she won't. She buys what's on sale and says she buys what she sees. the food isn't much of a problem except once a week. The food buying and food type isn't really an issue. This is a communication issue. To each their own. I'm happy for the help. Just trying to make it less stressful for me, but no it's more stressful to work for the money, buy and cook my own food so no I'm not going to give up the help. It's not even a question to consider.

You mean like millions of other working single parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you come up with a weekly menu, buy the food and have cook is. Is this really such s hard problem to solve? I’m soory. I don’t understand why you are making this so complicated.

So do it all myself? No thanks. Already been discussed previously.

I really don't understand posters who come on just to make others feel bad and minimize their issue. Just feel sorry for your need to put others down and seek out ways to do so. I've never been on the family page before so just happen to have this one issue. It's complicated for me because I'm used to coordinating with another human and find it weird that she doesn't want to.

SHE IS NOT YOUR SPOUSE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone can be helping. Put a meal calendar on the fridge. Grandma can be having the kids help her on days she’s there to make meals, you can be making meals on times you’re available or can prep ahead to have things for crockpot or some thing, and there are other nights that I can be casual things the kids can “make” themselves.

We don't have extra money for this and she doesn't like others to interfere. I'll just get some backup food. Kids do make some food themselves but it's like the chicken nugget variety.

You get the food, she’s the backup. You have this backwards.

No you have this backwards. This is the way she wants to help out. And she's doing this and we are good other than the surprises which would happen in any scenario because she doesn't communicate. This is how you do your life maybe, not mine.

How’s that working out for you?

Well thanks. I think I made that clear from the beginning other than the surprises. Do you come on every help board to post how everyone has got it wrong?

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful.

Is your name Jeff? Then you’re not the board monitor. You don’t dictate how or what others post. You don’t “own” a thread because you started it,

[Anonymous]

Another widowed mom here - and I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It sucks.

That said, I've been freakishly grateful for the help my MIL (3000 miles away) and my own mother (1000 miles away) have contributed to my family. I don't take it for granted, nor do I try to make them accountable for the help they provide. You are VERY fortunate to have consistent, local assistance. I'm generally on my own to juggle work, the kids' needs, and my household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another widowed mom here - and I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It sucks.

That said, I've been freakishly grateful for the help my MIL (3000 miles away) and my own mother (1000 miles away) have contributed to my family. I don't take it for granted, nor do I try to make them accountable for the help they provide. You are VERY fortunate to have consistent, local assistance. I'm generally on my own to juggle work, the kids' needs, and my household.

Thanks. Yes. Agreed. Confusion over help is just what comes with the territory of having help that is not an obligation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you come up with a weekly menu, buy the food and have cook is. Is this really such s hard problem to solve? I’m soory. I don’t understand why you are making this so complicated.

So do it all myself? No thanks. Already been discussed previously.

I really don't understand posters who come on just to make others feel bad and minimize their issue. Just feel sorry for your need to put others down and seek out ways to do so. I've never been on the family page before so just happen to have this one issue. It's complicated for me because I'm used to coordinating with another human and find it weird that she doesn't want to.

You are being stubborn. You are getting more help than most people and complaining it is not good enough. Your mom is giving you the help she is willing. Others are suggesting alternatives that might work better for both of you, not just you. This is not about your mom not communicating. It is about you wanting her to act as a paid helper versus grandma. You can buy some food yourself. You can look at the food she buys and figure out what to make. You could weekly meal plan and give your mom a list. All of these are things you can do because you are the kids parent. It is your responsibility. Your mom is doing more than most grandparents. Thank her profusely and figure out what you can do to make it work.

I've done these things before and she doesn't like them is all. I mean sometimes she will take a list from me about snacks for the kids or a meal they'd really like but she prefers to buy stuff on sale or what's available. She doesn't want to plan. It's fine.

I already figured out what I would do for the receipt and there really isn't more that I can do with her so I already said I was set on this several pages back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone can be helping. Put a meal calendar on the fridge. Grandma can be having the kids help her on days she’s there to make meals, you can be making meals on times you’re available or can prep ahead to have things for crockpot or some thing, and there are other nights that I can be casual things the kids can “make” themselves.

We don't have extra money for this and she doesn't like others to interfere. I'll just get some backup food. Kids do make some food themselves but it's like the chicken nugget variety.

You get the food, she’s the backup. You have this backwards.

No you have this backwards. This is the way she wants to help out. And she's doing this and we are good other than the surprises which would happen in any scenario because she doesn't communicate. This is how you do your life maybe, not mine.

How’s that working out for you?

Well thanks. I think I made that clear from the beginning other than the surprises. Do you come on every help board to post how everyone has got it wrong?

Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful.

Is your name Jeff? Then you’re not the board monitor. You don’t dictate how or what others post. You don’t “own” a thread because you started it,

OP is a nut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

Would it work, for some of the tasks, if you had something like a "dishwasher is clean/dishwasher is dirty" sign to flip over when something is or is not done? Maybe something like that would work for the laundry. For example, if she did the laundry, she puts out the "laundry is washed and folded" sign.

Or another model might be a kids chore chart: for each day, meals, groceries, etc. She Marks off if it was done or not. Or mark off a day ahead of time that she won't be cooking the Wednesday dinner.

Or it could be a shared electronic to-do list, items to check off. Of course, she may not like these things either.

If i was a grandma doing all this and given a chore chart, I wouldn’t be super happy.

While I understand your point, whomever is helping with any task whether it is with the family or pta, if you can't communicate and compromise you are going to be less effective and people are going to have to always have back up plans orbe disappointed in your work. I can't show up to run the PTA event and not coordinate with anyone or live up to any reasonable standards. Sure there is freedom in say volunteering for the 2nd grade party or babysitting the grandkids but you do have to be dependable. To not be accountable at all is a little hard to deal with. One of my married friends parents watched her kids every day after preschool to elementary school for 3 hours a day and the rule was they had to go to church with her twice a week and she didn't do field trips taking them anywhere except church or the park next door. So she set boundaries but within that she and the mom coordinated things the kids needed. The mom often had things the kids needed to do and the grandma would just say I can handle this or I can't. Now as the grandma got older she became less of a help and the parents used her less because she did get tired and could only do so much. A lot of it is just age. As people age they have less ability to help others and have to focus on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

NP. You sound like an entitled b*, OP. It's not wonder you're single. Btw, you can feed your kids' better food than McDonald's and 7-11 (ugh!) on a budget. How about think on it a bit and stop depending on mommy. I've been a single parent, too, and I put on my big girl pants and did the hard work.

You just seem like a b*

[Anonymous]

Guys. I already got the help I needed pages ago. Good luck with your lives even if you are not nice and thank you if you provided helpful comments. Adios

[Anonymous]

You need to learn the meaning of the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers.”

Your attitude in this thread is appalling.

[Anonymous]

OP's mother sounds like my mother, except our struggle is over communicating re timing. When she will arrive? When she left? Is she even coming? It's a constant game of gotcha.

This is a power dynamic. My mother refuses to tell me when she's left or ETA for anything, because she wants the control over the schedule. She thinks we should just be sitting around, waiting for whenever she will get here. When my father was alive he used to text me this info because he knew my mother wouldn't. I don't know if it's deliberate or subconscious, but it has caused so many problems in our relationship.

Unless your mother has some sort of cognitive issue she is perfectly able to tell you the info you need if you have asked her directly and specifically for it. But she won't and she's shown you this. That is who she is. She isn't going to change this. There are no task charts, YouTube videos, bullet check lists to get your mother to tell you about meals and groceries.

I suggest you get instacart and just stop dealing with this. You can either continue to play the victim in this game or lead and take control.