Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes she's not available and I come home and text that there is no food and she texts me that she's out to dinner with friends and there is stuff in the freezer but I only have 20 minutes before a kid's basketball game and was hoping it was all prepared so off to McDonalds or 7-11 we go.

You come across as very entitled, since these are not "shared tasks" but your own tasks. You say she's helping you, but then you describe the situation as if she's your housekeeper/personal chef.

Are you in touch with her during the day? On a day when you know your timing is tight, could you text her and say, "Larlo has basketball at 7. Did you have plans for dinner? Or should we plan on getting McDonald's on the way?"

I'm married, and my DH and I coordinate very closely if we want to have a sit-down dinner together with the kids. So we would have had this conversation in advance, discussing the fact that there was 20 minutes to eat before it was time to leave again, and deciding who was in charge of having the meal ready at that time. That's fine, we're a team, and we're on the same page.

It sounds like your mom is not willing or able to be your domestic partner, and yet she is still helping out. So I would treat her with respect and gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay - so I understand your frustration, but I'm guessing this communication problem is two ways, because your suggested solution (take a picture of the receipt) doesn't actually solve any problems you stated. In fact, I read your whole post and I'm not confident of exactly what parts are the problem. You mention cost, you mention timing, you mention snacks, you mention dinner... you need to clearly identify the SPECIFIC problems that are causing you issue. I'd recommend starting with one or two.

For example: It sounds like she makes dinner for your family almost every night, but provides no notice when she isn't going to do so.
Feels like an easy answer for me- assuming she's cooking healthy dinners roughly 5-6 days a week, then just have two or three frozen backup dinners for when this happens. Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and a box of Mac and cheese. So, you can whip up something quickly on those nights.

Another example: She doesn't always get everything you need (ie, no snacks). Can you provide a list to her once a week of things you need in addition to the dinner fixings? Give it to her at the same time every week (let's say Sunday morning) and make sure you're listing enough stuff that you've always got 1-2 weeks on hand so if she goes longer than expected before shopping, you're fine.

Then, decide some things don't matter - like timing, and let them go.

I've given her lists and she doesn't like them. We do have some frozen backups. I just don't like to have them too often. I'll get some more backups and a fridge for the other snacks. It's hard because the teenager will eat stuff in the fridge if it's there. Can't put a "backup" sign on it or anything.

She just doesn't like directions of any kind. It's getting too much for her to handle as she ages I think.

Maybe you need to start by communicating with your teenager.

"Larlo, the dino nuggets can be snacks, but the frozen enchiladas are dinners for the family."

And: "Larlo, I'm going to be home at 6:20 and we need to leave at 6:40 for basketball. Can you heat up the frozen enchiladas so they are ready by 6:15?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

First, I am sorry your husband has passed. That is really hard - my condolences.

But she's not happy to do it or she's not capable of really helping. She wants to do what she wants to do and that's not actually a help to you. Part of helping is listening to the person you are trying to help.

You know her best, but I would be blunt with my mother - "I appreciate your willingness to help, but what would really help me is a meal ready for us to eat every weeknight at 6pm." Say that and see what she says.

If she thinks the receipt thing is stupid, then stop doing it. Plan your own meal and if something else ends up in the fridge say nothing and adjust.

She's capable of helping on her schedule and her budget and when she's available. It's all I can ask. I've learned as people age they are willing to do things that come from themselves but it gets harder to work with others as you age.

So this is not really helping. Does she make you feel like you have to call this help because she really wants to be seen (by herself or others) as doing something?

I think you have to accept that she is just not going to be able to provide dinner for you on a dependable basis unless you can have an honest conversation with her and she wants to make a change.

Yes it's definitely partly about her and wanting to help out and show off to friends or to herself that she's doing stuff to help us. It's also a huge actual help. Food costs a lot and takes time to shop for and cook. If it were just me we'd probably be eating at McDonalds 3 times a week, not just one. I just wish there was a way to streamline it better.

Yes, sometimes I text her to check on the food or ask questions about the night. She answers sometimes and other times doesn't. She just doesn't seem to communicate well that way. I thought perhaps taking a photo of the receipt or giving it to me at a regular place at the house would just help to tell me the cost so I can be sure the food prices aren't getting too high for her and to figure out if she forgot to buy something we need and to have an idea what to get and the cost when she's away. I thought doing it at the activity would be helpful because she could just finish shopping, snap a photo of the receipt and send it or even just leave it on the table. I suggested both. But even that regular thing doesn't happen.

I'll try putting a bin for the receipt on the table and see if she leaves it there in the future. That might be easier and then would just be one day a week I might not know about the food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay - so I understand your frustration, but I'm guessing this communication problem is two ways, because your suggested solution (take a picture of the receipt) doesn't actually solve any problems you stated. In fact, I read your whole post and I'm not confident of exactly what parts are the problem. You mention cost, you mention timing, you mention snacks, you mention dinner... you need to clearly identify the SPECIFIC problems that are causing you issue. I'd recommend starting with one or two.

For example: It sounds like she makes dinner for your family almost every night, but provides no notice when she isn't going to do so.
Feels like an easy answer for me- assuming she's cooking healthy dinners roughly 5-6 days a week, then just have two or three frozen backup dinners for when this happens. Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and a box of Mac and cheese. So, you can whip up something quickly on those nights.

Another example: She doesn't always get everything you need (ie, no snacks). Can you provide a list to her once a week of things you need in addition to the dinner fixings? Give it to her at the same time every week (let's say Sunday morning) and make sure you're listing enough stuff that you've always got 1-2 weeks on hand so if she goes longer than expected before shopping, you're fine.

Then, decide some things don't matter - like timing, and let them go.

I've given her lists and she doesn't like them. We do have some frozen backups. I just don't like to have them too often. I'll get some more backups and a fridge for the other snacks. It's hard because the teenager will eat stuff in the fridge if it's there. Can't put a "backup" sign on it or anything.

She just doesn't like directions of any kind. It's getting too much for her to handle as she ages I think.

Maybe you need to start by communicating with your teenager.

"Larlo, the dino nuggets can be snacks, but the frozen enchiladas are dinners for the family."

And: "Larlo, I'm going to be home at 6:20 and we need to leave at 6:40 for basketball. Can you heat up the frozen enchiladas so they are ready by 6:15?"

They do help out. Both of my kids are very busy and it's already hard just to get food on the table between activities. Sometimes they come home from basketball and are just hundry and have the meal planned for the next day or eat three apples. They eat pretty healthy and already have a lot of tasks of their own they've had to take on so I try not to burden them too much with the food.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is not willing or able to be your domestic partner, and yet she is still helping out

This is correct. She also wants to be in charge of the task and not coordinate.

[Anonymous]

You need more healthy snacks and a list of dinners for the week on the fridge so your teen doesn’t scarf needed ingredients.

[Anonymous]

I'm married, and my DH and I coordinate very closely if we want to have a sit-down dinner together with the kids. So we would have had this conversation in advance, discussing the fact that there was 20 minutes to eat before it was time to leave again, and deciding who was in charge of having the meal ready at that time. That's fine, we're a team, and we're on the same page.

Please don't call people entitled who don't have this option anymore but still have the same need especially when you are getting that need met yourself. My kids and I still need food along with multiple other needs and we only have ourselves and no husband to help out. I do try to treat people with respect. I found myself getting frustrated that six different ways of coordinating on food haven't worked so came here rather than getting frustrated with mom. This is a help board after all.

[Anonymous]

Does she shop at the same place every time? Is it a place with a rewards program that you can maybe get her to use and then you can log in to see what she's purchased after every trip?

And if she is over cooking almost every night can you just tell her you would like to talk about the schedule for the next week? It sounds like it's frustrating that she won't answer texts so maybe sit down with a calendar in front of you and talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married, and my DH and I coordinate very closely if we want to have a sit-down dinner together with the kids. So we would have had this conversation in advance, discussing the fact that there was 20 minutes to eat before it was time to leave again, and deciding who was in charge of having the meal ready at that time. That's fine, we're a team, and we're on the same page.

Please don't call people entitled who don't have this option anymore but still have the same need especially when you are getting that need met yourself. My kids and I still need food along with multiple other needs and we only have ourselves and no husband to help out. I do try to treat people with respect. I found myself getting frustrated that six different ways of coordinating on food haven't worked so came here rather than getting frustrated with mom. This is a help board after all.

? I don't understand this post. Are you married or are you OP with no spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married, and my DH and I coordinate very closely if we want to have a sit-down dinner together with the kids. So we would have had this conversation in advance, discussing the fact that there was 20 minutes to eat before it was time to leave again, and deciding who was in charge of having the meal ready at that time. That's fine, we're a team, and we're on the same page.

Please don't call people entitled who don't have this option anymore but still have the same need especially when you are getting that need met yourself. My kids and I still need food along with multiple other needs and we only have ourselves and no husband to help out. I do try to treat people with respect. I found myself getting frustrated that six different ways of coordinating on food haven't worked so came here rather than getting frustrated with mom. This is a help board after all.

? I don't understand this post. Are you married or are you OP with no spouse?

OP here. Someone above posted the first two sentences and then called me entitled for accepting my moms help and expecting her to also coordinate with me. I just found it off-putting that she thinks it's appropriate and natural for her husband to coordinate with her but thinks I should be ok without any coordination. Obviously I had what she had before and now have to get used to someone else. It's natural to want someone to coordinate with you on family matters. It likely is that my mom can't handle this but it's not entitled to simply wish for it. I'm not demanding it of her. I'm just trying to understand if there is a way that works for her to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she shop at the same place every time? Is it a place with a rewards program that you can maybe get her to use and then you can log in to see what she's purchased after every trip?

And if she is over cooking almost every night can you just tell her you would like to talk about the schedule for the next week? It sounds like it's frustrating that she won't answer texts so maybe sit down with a calendar in front of you and talk to her.

She doesn't always know about the next week and sometimes I don't either. Practice will get switched or a game added. She really doesn't like to plan and she also doesn't like to sit down to talk about anything. The few times I've asked her to talk about things we get started and five minutes later she's onto another topic. She's a conversationalist but likes to drive the conversation. She's not a good listener at all.

[Anonymous]

The answer I get when I ask to plan is this is a waste of time to discuss and she doesn't have the time. She says "I get what's on sale and what I think the kids like. I'll do it at the beginning of the week when I have time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she shop at the same place every time? Is it a place with a rewards program that you can maybe get her to use and then you can log in to see what she's purchased after every trip?

And if she is over cooking almost every night can you just tell her you would like to talk about the schedule for the next week? It sounds like it's frustrating that she won't answer texts so maybe sit down with a calendar in front of you and talk to her.

She doesn't always know about the next week and sometimes I don't either. Practice will get switched or a game added. She really doesn't like to plan and she also doesn't like to sit down to talk about anything. The few times I've asked her to talk about things we get started and five minutes later she's onto another topic. She's a conversationalist but likes to drive the conversation. She's not a good listener at all.

Your expectations are too high. Even though I'm married and have a spouse, neither of us makes an elaborate hot meal every night or coordinates the dinner plan. The kids often eat cereal, sandwiches or a quick frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner. If having a hot meal prepared in advance is such a big deal maybe curtail the kids activities so you have more time to cook. Prioritize.

[Anonymous]

TROLL

[Anonymous]

This can’t be for real.