Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

I am a single parent and my mother is helping me out. I love that she helps out but for some reason, she has no ability to communicate with me as she helps. I do know the reason. She's never had to coordinate with anyone in her life, but that doesn't help me too much in figuring out what to do. She will decide to do things and then not tell me. The following is about our food communication which is non existent. I asked her to buy the food for the week and then just send me a photo of the receipt so I would know the cost and the food. She's happy to buy the food and to cook it. I have no idea what she buys, when she delivers, it to the house, and when she's available to cook or when she will cook each day and when food is ready. Sometimes she's not available and I come home and text that there is no food and she texts me that she's out to dinner with friends and there is stuff in the freezer but I only have 20 minutes before a kid's basketball game and was hoping it was all prepared so off to McDonalds or 7-11 we go.

I used to ask her all the time to coordinate and then realized that I just couldn't keep asking and getting into arguments so I tried the receipt suggestion. Still too much for her. She doesn't understand why she needs to coordinate anything. I'm just really having a hard time getting through to her that while I know she's capable, she has a lot going on too and I just can't go through the week on such an important topic without any coordination. It's like she thinks I'm the working dad who comes home at 6 pm and everything is ready at the table for me and I shouldn't question but the reality is that it's not like that and furthermore as the mom, I feel more responsible to understand what food my kids eat.

Should I just pretend we live in 1950 and I'm the working dad and do the fly-by-night coordination with my kids and figure stuff out when I get home or go out to McDonalds and forget about coordinating with her? Is there any youtube video like Fairplay that better discusses how to communicate with your spouse on tasks that you somewhat share? It's not working well and she thinks the receipt request is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the food arrives Monday. Other weeks Wednesday. Some weeks she's away and I have no idea what she buys and then I have to quickly try to put together a list for the week when it would be easier to go off the receipt. Sometimes she buys the same stuff and the kids complain and then I have to coordinate what they don't want and she gets angry because she's spent money. Sometimes we are left for days without snacks and I have to take trips to get snacks since the food hasn't come for the week. She's 70 so I don't really think she can change her ways too much. I know it's great she's buying the food and cooking a couple of times a week (she heats up frozen meals but it's still something). I just wish there wasn't so much ambiguity.

[Anonymous]

I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

[Anonymous]

Give her another task that doesn’t involve food.
How about picking up your kids from school, camp grandma on days off etc?

[Anonymous]

If it's not working for you, you have to let her know. Can you ask her to do something else instead? Limit her help to watching the kids while you get groceries?

My mom was very helpful to us when both our kids were tiny. She cooked meals and watched them as needed and overall was just a godsend. It sounds like what your mom is doing is not really reducing stress in your life, but adding different ones to it.

[Anonymous]

Husbands also behave this way on tasks. I get that it's typical behavior not to communicate on things you are handling. Which is why Eve made that Fair Play book. I still think it's best when people actively communicate something small to the other person responsible. Like the person above said, ultimately I am responsible for their food so they are right on this. Still, I'm not going to not take help or money as a single parent. Does anyone have some actual suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I get the sense you two have different expectations. You view her as a partner and she views it as helping you out when she can/wants to. You can try to talk to her about it and see if you can get on the same page. But seems like maybe she won't go for that. Which means you take what you get or you leave it and do things on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her another task that doesn’t involve food.
How about picking up your kids from school, camp grandma on days off etc?

She can only handle food and laundry and she's good at it. She just hates communicating about it. She will text when the laundry is done and I need to fold it. She will communicate if I have to do something. She will not communicate if something is done. So if she does the laundry and puts it back I don't get a text saying laundry is all done and put away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's not working for you, you have to let her know. Can you ask her to do something else instead? Limit her help to watching the kids while you get groceries?

My mom was very helpful to us when both our kids were tiny. She cooked meals and watched them as needed and overall was just a godsend. It sounds like what your mom is doing is not really reducing stress in your life, but adding different ones to it.

It's just the unknown that adds stress. I guess I should just have a refrigerator and freezer away from wandering hungry kids with some food on the run and restock it after use and forget about her coordinating. The laundry I don't care about too much other than uniforms and even those most of them we have two pairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

Wow, you're sure defensive. I wasn't being snarky at all. What she's doing isn't helping. She's happy to do something that's not helpful. I am also a single mom, and feeding my kids fast food on any sort of regular (weekly/monthly) basis is unacceptable to me. I make time to buy food for myself and my kids. That's my responsibility as an adult and a parent to minor children. I take time to cook food and prep so we have things we can eat semi-quickly. If you're so hard up for money that you need this from your mom, maybe flip it and buy the food and let her reimburse you for it. But overall, her "help" is not "helping".

Well good for you, but most single moms would gladly welcome the money and help for food and I'm not going to give it up simply because I don't get a text from her saying she brought the food over. Pat yourself on the back. You seem good at it. I don't need your help since you already do everything yourself and aren't in my situation where you actually need the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

OP, if this is truly how you felt, you wouldn't have started this friend. I am a different poster, but PP's response was spot on. On a day-to-day basis, you can't rely on your mom to have bought food and prepared meals. So you need some sort of stop-gap. Either stock up on some frozen meals or make some meals to freeze so you have options on the days that your mother doesn't provide food. Would your mother stick to a meal plan for the week if you create it together? That way you would know which days she can't cook? If she really won't communicate with you, her "help" actually becomes more of a problem/burden.

[Anonymous]

I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

OP, if this is truly how you felt, you wouldn't have started this friend. I am a different poster, but PP's response was spot on. On a day-to-day basis, you can't rely on your mom to have bought food and prepared meals. So you need some sort of stop-gap. Either stock up on some frozen meals or make some meals to freeze so you have options on the days that your mother doesn't provide food. Would your mother stick to a meal plan for the week if you create it together? That way you would know which days she can't cook? If she really won't communicate with you, her "help" actually becomes more of a problem/burden.

No she won't. She buys what's on sale and says she buys what she sees. the food isn't much of a problem except once a week. The food buying and food type isn't really an issue. This is a communication issue. To each their own. I'm happy for the help. Just trying to make it less stressful for me, but no it's more stressful to work for the money, buy and cook my own food so no I'm not going to give up the help. It's not even a question to consider.