Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

yes, you are correct I need more of a stop gap. I do have frozen meals in the freezer. I have to stock up on snacks for when we are out. I'll just do this. I just thought perhaps someone had gotten through to a person who didn't regularly communicate these things.

The question was about communication, not about setting up a different system. DCUMers have trouble answering the actual questions regularly I've noticed.

[Anonymous]

Can you set up a schedule so that the grocery shopping is always done on a certain day of the week? And if there are busy days when you need food ready when you walk in the door tell her that in advance? Sounds like she could benefit from you being a little more directive. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Spend a weekend doing some make ahead things that can be microwaved easily if you get home to no food. Or entice grandma with a nice brunch every Sunday and get a calendar f what/when she’ll cook that week. But fyi you are being snarky and sound sort of ungrateful so if you are coming across like that to your mom work on that.

[Anonymous]

I can put a meal together in 20 minutes. Brown some ground beef and have tacos. Make some mac n cheese. Canned soup, sandwiches. Cook some stuff in advance and freeze it.

She's aggravating sure but she is doing so much for you, beggars can't be choosers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are correct I need more of a stop gap. I do have frozen meals in the freezer. I have to stock up on snacks for when we are out. I'll just do this. I just thought perhaps someone had gotten through to a person who didn't regularly communicate these things.

The question was about communication, not about setting up a different system. DCUMers have trouble answering the actual questions regularly I've noticed.

Wow you sound so easy to get along with I’m shocked you’re having trouble w your mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you set up a schedule so that the grocery shopping is always done on a certain day of the week? And if there are busy days when you need food ready when you walk in the door tell her that in advance? Sounds like she could benefit from you being a little more directive. Good luck.

I have been directive and suggestive. She does stuff at her own pace. It's her task so I have to let her do this.

I was really looking for someone to point me to some youtube video on coordinating tasks in the house or something like this. Not suggestions on meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are correct I need more of a stop gap. I do have frozen meals in the freezer. I have to stock up on snacks for when we are out. I'll just do this. I just thought perhaps someone had gotten through to a person who didn't regularly communicate these things.

The question was about communication, not about setting up a different system. DCUMers have trouble answering the actual questions regularly I've noticed.

Wow you sound so easy to get along with I’m shocked you’re having trouble w your mom!

She's over at our house every day and we spend weekends with her. We love her and she loves us. I just wanted some communication tactics for someone who has been a housewife and has never had to coordinate with another person.

[Anonymous]

The spouse analogy is not apt bc after all, they are your kids not hers and in the end you need to figure it out. Nothing like FairPlay is going to work when it’s a (huge!) favor you’re getting.

[Anonymous]

Okay - so I understand your frustration, but I'm guessing this communication problem is two ways, because your suggested solution (take a picture of the receipt) doesn't actually solve any problems you stated. In fact, I read your whole post and I'm not confident of exactly what parts are the problem. You mention cost, you mention timing, you mention snacks, you mention dinner... you need to clearly identify the SPECIFIC problems that are causing you issue. I'd recommend starting with one or two.

For example: It sounds like she makes dinner for your family almost every night, but provides no notice when she isn't going to do so.
Feels like an easy answer for me- assuming she's cooking healthy dinners roughly 5-6 days a week, then just have two or three frozen backup dinners for when this happens. Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and a box of Mac and cheese. So, you can whip up something quickly on those nights.

Another example: She doesn't always get everything you need (ie, no snacks). Can you provide a list to her once a week of things you need in addition to the dinner fixings? Give it to her at the same time every week (let's say Sunday morning) and make sure you're listing enough stuff that you've always got 1-2 weeks on hand so if she goes longer than expected before shopping, you're fine.

Then, decide some things don't matter - like timing, and let them go.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I figure. I'll just let it go and stock up on backups. She's just set in her ways not being a mom who had to share tasks with a spouse and takes offense if I ask thinking I'm questioning her abilities to provide the food and doesn't see it as just being able to plan better and alleviate fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

First, I am sorry your husband has passed. That is really hard - my condolences.

But she's not happy to do it or she's not capable of really helping. She wants to do what she wants to do and that's not actually a help to you. Part of helping is listening to the person you are trying to help.

You know her best, but I would be blunt with my mother - "I appreciate your willingness to help, but what would really help me is a meal ready for us to eat every weeknight at 6pm." Say that and see what she says.

If she thinks the receipt thing is stupid, then stop doing it. Plan your own meal and if something else ends up in the fridge say nothing and adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay - so I understand your frustration, but I'm guessing this communication problem is two ways, because your suggested solution (take a picture of the receipt) doesn't actually solve any problems you stated. In fact, I read your whole post and I'm not confident of exactly what parts are the problem. You mention cost, you mention timing, you mention snacks, you mention dinner... you need to clearly identify the SPECIFIC problems that are causing you issue. I'd recommend starting with one or two.

For example: It sounds like she makes dinner for your family almost every night, but provides no notice when she isn't going to do so.
Feels like an easy answer for me- assuming she's cooking healthy dinners roughly 5-6 days a week, then just have two or three frozen backup dinners for when this happens. Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and a box of Mac and cheese. So, you can whip up something quickly on those nights.

Another example: She doesn't always get everything you need (ie, no snacks). Can you provide a list to her once a week of things you need in addition to the dinner fixings? Give it to her at the same time every week (let's say Sunday morning) and make sure you're listing enough stuff that you've always got 1-2 weeks on hand so if she goes longer than expected before shopping, you're fine.

Then, decide some things don't matter - like timing, and let them go.

I've given her lists and she doesn't like them. We do have some frozen backups. I just don't like to have them too often. I'll get some more backups and a fridge for the other snacks. It's hard because the teenager will eat stuff in the fridge if it's there. Can't put a "backup" sign on it or anything.

She just doesn't like directions of any kind. It's getting too much for her to handle as she ages I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

First, I am sorry your husband has passed. That is really hard - my condolences.

But she's not happy to do it or she's not capable of really helping. She wants to do what she wants to do and that's not actually a help to you. Part of helping is listening to the person you are trying to help.

You know her best, but I would be blunt with my mother - "I appreciate your willingness to help, but what would really help me is a meal ready for us to eat every weeknight at 6pm." Say that and see what she says.

If she thinks the receipt thing is stupid, then stop doing it. Plan your own meal and if something else ends up in the fridge say nothing and adjust.

She's capable of helping on her schedule and her budget and when she's available. It's all I can ask. I've learned as people age they are willing to do things that come from themselves but it gets harder to work with others as you age.

[Anonymous]

Part of helping is listening to the person you are trying to help.

She's not good at this part. I guess she's a bad listener. I think I've known that actually my whole life. She's good at doing what she thinks needs to be done when she's able to do it. I mean she's very caring but maybe has some auditory issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop relying on her for such a basic thing as food. Buy and cook your own food. Let Grandma be a grandma.

My husband is no longer with us and she's happy to do it. She's the one who suggested helping out this way and she's doing it so I'm not going to complain or buy and cook my own food when I have someone else to do it and the kids are thriving and I'm busy from morning to night with them and work. But thanks for not helping and being snarky.

First, I am sorry your husband has passed. That is really hard - my condolences.

But she's not happy to do it or she's not capable of really helping. She wants to do what she wants to do and that's not actually a help to you. Part of helping is listening to the person you are trying to help.

You know her best, but I would be blunt with my mother - "I appreciate your willingness to help, but what would really help me is a meal ready for us to eat every weeknight at 6pm." Say that and see what she says.

If she thinks the receipt thing is stupid, then stop doing it. Plan your own meal and if something else ends up in the fridge say nothing and adjust.

She's capable of helping on her schedule and her budget and when she's available. It's all I can ask. I've learned as people age they are willing to do things that come from themselves but it gets harder to work with others as you age.

So this is not really helping. Does she make you feel like you have to call this help because she really wants to be seen (by herself or others) as doing something?

I think you have to accept that she is just not going to be able to provide dinner for you on a dependable basis unless you can have an honest conversation with her and she wants to make a change.