Mother hates to communicate with me on shared tasks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

[Anonymous]

I did that with my husband. She's not into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Ask your mom how are you supposed to know what she has bought at the store? Maybe she will have an idea. Also, do you speak to her during your lunch break or commute? Perhaps that would be an easier method to get the information you need.

She tells me to check the fridge and freezer. I've tried it all. At least 10 different ways. I'll try the bin next to the fridge for the receipt. That should work better than the photo of it. I do talk during lunch break but as I said sometimes she communicates and other times she doesn't. It's just not going to work to coordinate with a 70-year-old any more than what she wants to do. I was just trying to find a simpler way to make things work for us a little better. Overall it's working. Just could be slightly better on the days when she's out or food is finished.

Seems like checking the fridge or freezer is a reasonable suggestion. Why didn’t that work for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her another task that doesn’t involve food.
How about picking up your kids from school, camp grandma on days off etc?

She can only handle food and laundry and she's good at it. She just hates communicating about it. She will text when the laundry is done and I need to fold it. She will communicate if I have to do something. She will not communicate if something is done. So if she does the laundry and puts it back I don't get a text saying laundry is all done and put away.

It would never occur to me to text my husband and say “I did the laundry and put it away”. It would seem annoying to him, a waste of time to me, and like I was looking for praise or something. Can’t you just see at home the laundry is done? I guess I fail to see why she needs to communicate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's supposed to be all four of those. Your post was not true, it was not kind, it was not necessary, and it was not helpful.

You're delusional. You can't even convince your mom to listen to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it's supposed to be all four of those. Your post was not true, it was not kind, it was not necessary, and it was not helpful.

You're delusional. You can't even convince your mom to listen to you.

You can't find anything better to do than to come on a page that apparently doesn't relate to any issue you have of your own to put people down. You're mean and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

Would it work, for some of the tasks, if you had something like a "dishwasher is clean/dishwasher is dirty" sign to flip over when something is or is not done? Maybe something like that would work for the laundry. For example, if she did the laundry, she puts out the "laundry is washed and folded" sign.

Or another model might be a kids chore chart: for each day, meals, groceries, etc. She Marks off if it was done or not. Or mark off a day ahead of time that she won't be cooking the Wednesday dinner.

Or it could be a shared electronic to-do list, items to check off. Of course, she may not like these things either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it's supposed to be all four of those. Your post was not true, it was not kind, it was not necessary, and it was not helpful.

You're delusional. You can't even convince your mom to listen to you.

You can't find anything better to do than to come on a page that apparently doesn't relate to any issue you have of your own to put people down. You're mean and boring.

I'm so sad. You could just take your own advice. No need to respond to things that don't interest you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

Would it work, for some of the tasks, if you had something like a "dishwasher is clean/dishwasher is dirty" sign to flip over when something is or is not done? Maybe something like that would work for the laundry. For example, if she did the laundry, she puts out the "laundry is washed and folded" sign.

Or another model might be a kids chore chart: for each day, meals, groceries, etc. She Marks off if it was done or not. Or mark off a day ahead of time that she won't be cooking the Wednesday dinner.

Or it could be a shared electronic to-do list, items to check off. Of course, she may not like these things either.

If i was a grandma doing all this and given a chore chart, I wouldn’t be super happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if there was some sort of communication tactic to get her to more regularly text to say laundry is done and put away or food is bought and in the fridge. Here's the list of what I bought. I can come over Tuesday and Thursday to cook. This is what I'm looking for and I just think it's weird to not communicate with someone you are helping them out with but obviously for some people it's difficult and not natural.

I know one couple who uses Slack to communicate with one another about short and long-term things to do.

Would it work, for some of the tasks, if you had something like a "dishwasher is clean/dishwasher is dirty" sign to flip over when something is or is not done? Maybe something like that would work for the laundry. For example, if she did the laundry, she puts out the "laundry is washed and folded" sign.

Or another model might be a kids chore chart: for each day, meals, groceries, etc. She Marks off if it was done or not. Or mark off a day ahead of time that she won't be cooking the Wednesday dinner.

Or it could be a shared electronic to-do list, items to check off. Of course, she may not like these things either.

If i was a grandma doing all this and given a chore chart, I wouldn’t be super happy.

+1. It's the micro managing boss from hell. This wouldn't appeal to anyone, it's condescending and infantilizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you come up with a weekly menu, buy the food and have cook is. Is this really such s hard problem to solve? I’m soory. I don’t understand why you are making this so complicated.

So do it all myself? No thanks. Already been discussed previously.

I really don't understand posters who come on just to make others feel bad and minimize their issue. Just feel sorry for your need to put others down and seek out ways to do so. I've never been on the family page before so just happen to have this one issue. It's complicated for me because I'm used to coordinating with another human and find it weird that she doesn't want to.

You are being stubborn. You are getting more help than most people and complaining it is not good enough. Your mom is giving you the help she is willing. Others are suggesting alternatives that might work better for both of you, not just you. This is not about your mom not communicating. It is about you wanting her to act as a paid helper versus grandma. You can buy some food yourself. You can look at the food she buys and figure out what to make. You could weekly meal plan and give your mom a list. All of these are things you can do because you are the kids parent. It is your responsibility. Your mom is doing more than most grandparents. Thank her profusely and figure out what you can do to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are correct I need more of a stop gap. I do have frozen meals in the freezer. I have to stock up on snacks for when we are out. I'll just do this. I just thought perhaps someone had gotten through to a person who didn't regularly communicate these things.

The question was about communication, not about setting up a different system. DCUMers have trouble answering the actual questions regularly I've noticed.

Wow you sound so easy to get along with I’m shocked you’re having trouble w your mom!

+1. OP, you need to stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. When food happens to be there, awesome. When it isn’t there, have a back up plan. But honestly, your level of snark to reasonable responses makes me think you have a major communication issue yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you come up with a weekly menu, buy the food and have cook is. Is this really such s hard problem to solve? I’m soory. I don’t understand why you are making this so complicated.

So do it all myself? No thanks. Already been discussed previously.

I really don't understand posters who come on just to make others feel bad and minimize their issue. Just feel sorry for your need to put others down and seek out ways to do so. I've never been on the family page before so just happen to have this one issue. It's complicated for me because I'm used to coordinating with another human and find it weird that she doesn't want to.

Troll you keep saying the same thing over and over don’t you have some homework?

[Anonymous]

Maybe suggest something tossed in a crock pot for days she is heading out early or has other evening plans.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm also a single mom, no spouse and no local family. Help I can't rely on isn't help to me. My mom is also 70, also loves to help, and also has her own frustrating ways of doing so (I won't get into it). But what I learned was how important it was for me to set boundaries. My mom was still trying to mother me, even when I was a grown woman with a child. She couldn't turn that button off. I get how much the help is important to you, believe me. But it's on you to manage your mom, not the other way around. Help her help you. She wants to do it and you want to let her, and it's great for everyone if it works. But whether it's a schedule or logistical change or whatever, understand that you are more malleable at your age than she is. Best of luck to you, from one mom just hanging in there to another.