6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

happened to my dd but in HS. it stung. friends since K.
She is involved in several activities and all of them include at least one member of the group. She finally got the strength to confront and then ignore.
She is not leaving any of her activities but she is pushing back on meeting new kids. I wished we encouraged her to make new.friends when she was younger because it gets harder when older.
I suggested she just get to know some of the kids she sits next to or has to partner with at school. No need to start planning get togethers. She hasn't found anyone she feels she clicks with yet but hopefully soon.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice and BTDT on this thread. I really appreciate people taking a few minutes to share their kids' experiences.

To be clear, my priority is no way my friendships with these girls' parents. I have plenty of friends from other areas of life (work, grad school, neighbors). But is it really that unusual to become friends with some of the parents of your kids' friends? Our kids chose to be friends on their own (in no way social engineered) and I have spent hours upon hours with these people on the sidelines of games, at BBQs, school events. That evolved into adult dinners, parties, even travel. My questions was whether I should reach out to find out more about what is going on, again not applying pressure to include DD, just to better understand the source of the problem. Most of the responses have been a resounding no to this.

DD is not at a super small private, and it expands this year and in 7th, so seeking out friendships with some new kids is a really good idea. She does tend to be dramatic, and maybe that is a turn off to some of these friends. But the hurt she is feeling is real, and I've see with my own eyes the overt meanness on multiple occasions, so she is no way making this up in her head.

Thanks again for some of the tangible advice provided about how to help DD develop a thicker skin and become more resilient.

[Anonymous]

OP, consider that all of these kids are young, immature, and have undeveloped social skills. For some, that shows up as how you describe your daughter-- sensitive and not well-regulated. For others, it shows up as what the other girls are doing-- impulsivity, or lacking the skills or discretion to disengage politely. It honestly seems like you're being a lot more forgiving of your daughter's social behavior than you are of theirs-- and that's normal for us parents-- but remember, they're all kids, they all have sensitive feelings and poor self-control, and they all deserve the caring perspective that we have for our own kids.

There really is no solution other than diversifying her social network and developing her social skills. Everyone can benefit from strong social skills and it doesn't mean that anything's wrong with your DD, just that social skills are what kids this age need to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

This. It sounds like they're tiring of her because she's high maintenance. You can work with her on managing her emotions and not being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I'd back off spending time with these girls, diversify the friend group, and focus on social skills. Maybe she can circle back to these kids when they have all had some time to mature.

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader is also going/went through this last year too. It was hard for her and painful for me to watch but she overcame it. We really encouraged her to make more friends and new friends- to diversity. She did and overcame and now has a new crew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Totally agree. It’s called, um, making friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and BTDT on this thread. I really appreciate people taking a few minutes to share their kids' experiences.

To be clear, my priority is no way my friendships with these girls' parents. I have plenty of friends from other areas of life (work, grad school, neighbors). But is it really that unusual to become friends with some of the parents of your kids' friends? Our kids chose to be friends on their own (in no way social engineered) and I have spent hours upon hours with these people on the sidelines of games, at BBQs, school events. That evolved into adult dinners, parties, even travel. My questions was whether I should reach out to find out more about what is going on, again not applying pressure to include DD, just to better understand the source of the problem. Most of the responses have been a resounding no to this.

DD is not at a super small private, and it expands this year and in 7th, so seeking out friendships with some new kids is a really good idea. She does tend to be dramatic, and maybe that is a turn off to some of these friends. But the hurt she is feeling is real, and I've see with my own eyes the overt meanness on multiple occasions, so she is no way making this up in her head.

Thanks again for some of the tangible advice provided about how to help DD develop a thicker skin and become more resilient.

keep in mind that while you and your kid had great time in this group, somebody else might have felt excluded. not saying you deserve it or anything, i feel sorry for your kid, but few are always included and feeling great about where they are, socially. personally, i would not investigate to "see what is going on" as it is unlikely to help your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

This. It sounds like they're tiring of her because she's high maintenance. You can work with her on managing her emotions and not being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I'd back off spending time with these girls, diversify the friend group, and focus on social skills. Maybe she can circle back to these kids when they have all had some time to mature.

You clearly have no idea what gaslighting is.

[Anonymous]

Yup. Right on track. 5th and 6th grade is where girls ditch other girls in favor of new girl friends.

Put your daughter in a new activity of her choosing to make a new friend. You aren't getting this girl back, so move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

This. It sounds like they're tiring of her because she's high maintenance. You can work with her on managing her emotions and not being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I'd back off spending time with these girls, diversify the friend group, and focus on social skills. Maybe she can circle back to these kids when they have all had some time to mature.

You clearly have no idea what gaslighting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

This. It sounds like they're tiring of her because she's high maintenance. You can work with her on managing her emotions and not being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I'd back off spending time with these girls, diversify the friend group, and focus on social skills. Maybe she can circle back to these kids when they have all had some time to mature.

Or maybe the friends are just setting boundaries? Is it easier to just assume that 6 of these other girls are mean, and the one girl is the victim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child stopped year round swim for multiple new sports. This summer on swim team, not one year round swimmer talked to my daughter. Not at the meets or rec pool time. It was tough for my daughter (10) but she found new friends. I got the “on we missed Larla this winter, hope her times are still high” from the year round moms. I don’t care because those moms always sucked and I was never friends with them. So I just smiled and said none of us care what her times are. She just likes swimming - and walked away.

OP, your first mistake was thinking these moms were your friends. Second was allowing your child to learn to follow this group around. She isn’t wanted. Teach her self respect and move on. It’s sucks but it will make her stronger in the end.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s possible your daughter is experiencing a classic icing out/mean girls experience. I definitely second the recommendation for reading Untangled.

It’s also possible that there is something that has gone on that you are not privy to, and that your friends (the adults) aren’t. These daughters know that their moms like your daughter and it’s possible they aren’t sharing with the moms what the issue is because of that. I wouldn’t assume, as some PPs have, that the moms know what the issue is. They may have noticed their daughters pulling away from yours but not really understand the cause. For example, if your daughter’s “dramatic” personality (your words, if I recall correctly) is just not working with the group as they age and mature, they may not want to speak badly about your child in front of their parents who as you have said, have traveled with your daughter.

Either way the answer is to help your daughter keep her head high and find new friends. It’s a painful experience for sure, but transitioning to a new group is the best way for your daughter to move forward in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

NP here. In 6th grade they are not doing "playdates". OP, I'm guessing the real difference, this year, lies in maturation. Do the other girls seem a little more "boy crazy"?. They are likely beginning to discuss sex. They have a long, long way to go understanding it, but my guess is they sense that your DD is not ready to be included in these discussions. They recognize a gulf.

[Anonymous]

7th grade is a great time to reinvent yourself because new sports open up. A lot of kids don’t even try things like rowing, fencing or ultimate frisbee until the middle school years. Something like this would be a great way to meet new friends and keep active so she isn’t dwelling on the hurt feelings.