6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gotta love all the moms whose kids get dropped from a friend group and place blame on all the other kids and not look at their own child. And they throw out queen b and mean girls to rationalize that your kid is “so innocent” but maybe your kid did some things or are nothing like the rest of the group. That the other moms forced the friendship and your kid had fake friends for years. And now they are sick of mom engineered friend-based groups and moving on.

My youngest is high maintenance. I knew once Girl Scouts and group activities would start falling off, her friendships would too. It sucked but I am not an idiot to know that my daughter isn’t the coolest to hang out with. She is immature, likes playing kid games, and is kinda loud. Most of the other girls stayed friends. My daughter eventually found her tribe and all was well. I would never ever ever place blame on other children and name call them like some of you nasty moms here. And I certainly wouldn’t let my daughter bad mouth anyone. I made her rise above. She is even friendly with 2 of them again now that they are in 8th grade and she has matured more to their level.

The throwing around bully, mean girls, and queen b on friendships that die once they can do their own things is embarrassing. Over-involved moms are the toxic ones.

Your parenting style is not one I would hold up as some exemplary style. Nor is your post one that demonstrates your ability to "rise above." I literally laughed when read that, given how judgy, smug, and bit---y your post is.

Yikes, you laughed when the PP asked her daughter to rise above and not bad mouth other kids her age and move on? Is good parenting calling the parents, demanding their kid still gets to hang out, and make their kid conform to others.

What the heck is wrong with you?

You should be directing that to the other poster, who was indeed judgmental, smug, and bi---y.

Not even in the slightest were they smug. I just read it. They were honest. Stop pointing fingers and bad mouthing kids and definitely don’t teach your kids to do that. You don’t know the whole story. Your response was immature and embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

You have superficial mean girl friends and your daughter is not one of them. Find a different group.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen a couple of moms be very successful with curating a group of friends for their DD’s going into middle school. It’s actually quite fascinating how it seems to have gone so smoothly. Perhaps as others have mentioned, this will only last for so long. It’s caused some hard feelings for the girls that didn’t “make the cut.”
On another note, is it typical to see girls who have been very quiet to almost overnight become extroverts at the start of MS? It seems like some are following personalities they see on TikTok. It’s a surprising to see such significant personality changes in such a short time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen a couple of moms be very successful with curating a group of friends for their DD’s going into middle school. It’s actually quite fascinating how it seems to have gone so smoothly. Perhaps as others have mentioned, this will only last for so long. It’s caused some hard feelings for the girls that didn’t “make the cut.”
On another note, is it typical to see girls who have been very quiet to almost overnight become extroverts at the start of MS? It seems like some are following personalities they see on TikTok. It’s a surprising to see such significant personality changes in such a short time.

Huh? Have not seen a shy sensitive child suddenly become an extrovert and tik tok influencer just because they got a smart phone. What the heck?

[Anonymous]

This is very typical of 6th and 7th grade. Friend groups change. She needs to find her new people.

As an aside, parents often post that they considered a new school for a kid, but then decided to let the kid go where the friends are going. Parents who decide not to change schools at middle school because of "grade school friendships" need to know up front that this is a likelihood. It is less painful if the shift away from old friends happens when you switch schools, than if you are the same school and suddenly your "friends" won't sit with you at lunch anymore. Not saying everyone should change schools because this happens; rather that if you were thinking of it anyway, friends shouldn't necessarily be the only or primary reason you don't make the move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

This is all true. It is sad that some kids can be very mean and socially abusive about the shift, which is incredibly hurtful. Things like everyone standing up from the lunch table and moving when a kid sits down actually happen. That is quite different from just a normal shift in friends interests. The slow fade is painful enough, not need to pile on with public humiliation. So in addition to teaching kids how to find their new interests and friend groups, parents should also teach their kids how not to be cruel about it when they are no longer close to a former friend. Shifting friendships is normal, cruelty and mean behavior while it happens is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

You have superficial mean girl friends and your daughter is not one of them. Find a different group.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

This was our experience too. The “no phone/no TikTok” kids need to find each other. They will never be invited into the other group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

You have superficial mean girl friends and your daughter is not one of them. Find a different group.

You are only getting HER daughter's versions of the events. As a school nurse, 99% of one person's version is different than the others. stop judging one-sided arguments and grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen a couple of moms be very successful with curating a group of friends for their DD’s going into middle school. It’s actually quite fascinating how it seems to have gone so smoothly. Perhaps as others have mentioned, this will only last for so long. It’s caused some hard feelings for the girls that didn’t “make the cut.”
On another note, is it typical to see girls who have been very quiet to almost overnight become extroverts at the start of MS? It seems like some are following personalities they see on TikTok. It’s a surprising to see such significant personality changes in such a short time.

Huh? Have not seen a shy sensitive child suddenly become an extrovert and tik tok influencer just because they got a smart phone. What the heck?

Way to miss the point, Carrie!

[Anonymous]

I wonder how much of this is small private school related. My kids go to a huge public school (they are in 5th and 6th grades). Their friend group changes every year as their classes change and they have friends through multiple activities. There's one group of girls in each grade whose friendship is clearly socially engineered by their parents but that's literally 4-5 girls in each grade of 100+ kids. My older DD was preschool friends with a couple of them and I am friendly with a couple of the moms, but my kid was never part of their core group of besties and I'm 100% okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

This was our experience too. The “no phone/no TikTok” kids need to find each other. They will never be invited into the other group.

Omg - they will never be invited into the group? My daughter doesn’t have a phone in 6th and is friends with plenty of girls that have them. Stop making stupid generalized statements. Some girls have phones without social media, others with, some have a Samsung, some have none. My daughter will be getting one for Christmas without social media. No big deal. Her friends have changed some as she has met new girls from different schools. Still friends with some girls and have moved on from others. It truly is no big deal. I am shocked how involved and opinionated you moms are about MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 6th grade and has been attending her current PK-12 since Kindergarten. She has always had a strong group of friends with whom she participates in sports teams and other activities. DH and I have become friends with many of the parents over the years. This fall, on multiple occasions, DD has not been invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties, etc. The group attending these events tends to be somewhat amorphous -- a portion of the group will be invited, in most cases -- but DD is never one of the kids included. She has reported some horrible behavior from one girl who is a leader and has often been quite mean over the years (when she's not being super, super nice.). DD also reports that another close friend, who has always been a very low drama kid, now ignores DD at lunch, doesn't invite her over when she's hosting groups, and pointedly excludes DD from activities (as in, DD is not allowed to join even when she directly asks.)

It's heartbreaking and confusing for DD. She has tried to approach the formerly low-drama friend to understand what is going on, but the friend just says, "Everything is fine" and walks away. We have invited some of these girls over for playdates or sleepovers a few times, and they always decline.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I'm also super annoyed at the parents (my friends!) for not being more sensitive about this. After one school event, DD watched as 6 of her best friends climbed into a car for a sleepover. She cried for hours. When I've casually approached a few of the parents about DD having issues this year with being excluded, they said, "Oh, I had no idea!" and then nothing changes. I hesitate pushing more -- what is the answer? They force their DDs to invite my DD to things? That would likely make things worse.

How do I help her navigate this? I understand the occasional mean behavior in middle school, but it seems like DD is getting the total freeze out from a group she has been close to since she was 5. We talk about her finding friends that make her feel good about herself, but it's easier said than done to find a whole new group of friends. This is especially true when she is involved in after school activities with many of them.

Appreciate any advice.

You have superficial mean girl friends and your daughter is not one of them. Find a different group.

You are only getting HER daughter's versions of the events. As a school nurse, 99% of one person's version is different than the others. stop judging one-sided arguments and grow up

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

This is all true. It is sad that some kids can be very mean and socially abusive about the shift, which is incredibly hurtful. Things like everyone standing up from the lunch table and moving when a kid sits down actually happen. That is quite different from just a normal shift in friends interests. The slow fade is painful enough, not need to pile on with public humiliation. So in addition to teaching kids how to find their new interests and friend groups, parents should also teach their kids how not to be cruel about it when they are no longer close to a former friend. Shifting friendships is normal, cruelty and mean behavior while it happens is not.

+1

Friends shift. You don’t have to be cruel about it.