6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Mean kids suck and their mean parents suck worse.

I'm so sorry OP. We too have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean kids suck and their mean parents suck worse.

I'm so sorry OP. We too have BTDT.

+1

[Anonymous]

My DD attended a 6-12 school and in 9th grade experienced a similar situation. She was in the 'cool' group but apparently not cool enough. She reached out to some girls who seemed nice in a different group and they included her. It was an upsetting experience but probably not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Respectfully and politely I disagree that parents know what's going on at this age. I really don't know my child's friends these days because they are organizing themselves and I'm just driving my child and dropping her off at events. I recently found out, a year later, that one child I thought DD was hanging out with is not being included. There is nothing wrong with the friend. She has a great outgoing personality and is still adored by others but this child's interests and DD's diverged so they were no longer seeing each other in some of the informal get togethers when the girls would get together and shoot basketballs as one example or hang out and make Tiktok videos. At those informal get togethers the kids would then make more formal plans and whoever wasn't there was often not included. As soon as I noticed, I mentioned it to DD who was invited her to their next gathering and DD seemed really happy to see her old friend. I think this is different from what OP is going through but really at this age many parents just don't know the details.

If DD hadn't wanted to hang out with the old friend I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably I would have brought it up again and urged but not forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and BTDT on this thread. I really appreciate people taking a few minutes to share their kids' experiences.

To be clear, my priority is no way my friendships with these girls' parents. I have plenty of friends from other areas of life (work, grad school, neighbors). But is it really that unusual to become friends with some of the parents of your kids' friends? Our kids chose to be friends on their own (in no way social engineered) and I have spent hours upon hours with these people on the sidelines of games, at BBQs, school events. That evolved into adult dinners, parties, even travel. My questions was whether I should reach out to find out more about what is going on, again not applying pressure to include DD, just to better understand the source of the problem. Most of the responses have been a resounding no to this.

DD is not at a super small private, and it expands this year and in 7th, so seeking out friendships with some new kids is a really good idea. She does tend to be dramatic, and maybe that is a turn off to some of these friends. But the hurt she is feeling is real, and I've see with my own eyes the overt meanness on multiple occasions, so she is no way making this up in her head.

Thanks again for some of the tangible advice provided about how to help DD develop a thicker skin and become more resilient.

If you feel close enough to the friends sure reach out but I wouldn't push it. I'm not sure there's anything "wrong" with your DD or that she's doing anything "wrong." It's probably just about a match with her and the other girls and their development and personalities as they get older. Friendships change and that's okay. One year my DD was sad she wasn't as close to a friend as she used to be and was sad about it. We talked about how Larla was a great friend in K-2nd and now she's not and that's okay and that maybe she would be a good friend again later or maybe not but that Larla will always have been that great friend growing up and that memory or experience would not change. They are in HS now and she and Larla are very close again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean kids suck and their mean parents suck worse.

I'm so sorry OP. We too have BTDT.

So once your kid is friends with someone, they are obligated to be their friend forever? And as a parent, you must force the friendship to continue or you are even more "mean"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

This happened to my daughter in 7th. Girl went out of her way to make my daughters life miserable and isolate her from her former friend group. Girls mom even joined in. Lots of queen bees here who raise little queen bees. Your daughter is going to have to move on to a different friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean kids suck and their mean parents suck worse.

I'm so sorry OP. We too have BTDT.

So once your kid is friends with someone, they are obligated to be their friend forever? And as a parent, you must force the friendship to continue or you are even more "mean"?

Here’s the queen bee mom.

[Anonymous]

We went through a similar issue in 5th/6th grade. To make a long story short, we intervened and we regret doing so. Social group was breaking in two. Our DD ended up going one way vs. the other. In hindsight, I don't think anyone in the group was a great fit for her, and, fast forward years later - she's going through the same crap as in 5th/6th grade. But, now it's harder for her to address b/c mommy helped her when she was in 5th/6th. To be fair. in 5th/6th, other moms reached out to me, so I wasn't the only one, but I really wish that I had stood down.

We learned our lesson for DC#2. He had a big falling out with a friend. We had no clue. By end of year, falling out over. Neither I nor the parents of the other kid had any idea. Better that they work it out themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

This happened to my daughter in 7th. Girl went out of her way to make my daughters life miserable and isolate her from her former friend group. Girls mom even joined in. Lots of queen bees here who raise little queen bees. Your daughter is going to have to move on to a different friend group.

I'm the PP and I overlooked this post when responding, but I could not have said this better. What we see is that the moms drive some of this. Maybe they had bad years in high school/middle school? And, in my DD's case, we aren't even talking about a "popular" kid, but someone who really wants to be...But, apple doesn't fall far from tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Totally agree. It’s called, um, making friends.

^^^Tell me your a mom that microengineers friendships without telling me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Let it go.

NP. She's right though. The moms who are yhr most aggressive about jeepin their kids inrge friend group always get prickly when other moms get even slightly involved.

[Anonymous]

NP. The OP is right though. The moms who are the most aggressive about keeping their kids in the friend group always get prickly when other moms get even slightly involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean kids suck and their mean parents suck worse.

I'm so sorry OP. We too have BTDT.

So once your kid is friends with someone, they are obligated to be their friend forever? And as a parent, you must force the friendship to continue or you are even more "mean"?

Here’s the queen bee mom.

Quite the opposite. My DD was excluded from a friend group in middle school. It was horrible, but I didn’t blame the moms for not forcing their kids to extend pity invites to DD. I think the vitriol towards the moms is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

This absolutely sucks and is painful to watch but you have to let her handle her own conflicts.

What you can and should do is get her involved in an activity. Think outside the box if she's not a sports gal. Scouts, chorus, chess club, drama club. I absolutely thrived when I found extracurriculars with kids who had something in common.