6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

This was our experience too. The “no phone/no TikTok” kids need to find each other. They will never be invited into the other group.

Omg - they will never be invited into the group? My daughter doesn’t have a phone in 6th and is friends with plenty of girls that have them. Stop making stupid generalized statements. Some girls have phones without social media, others with, some have a Samsung, some have none. My daughter will be getting one for Christmas without social media. No big deal. Her friends have changed some as she has met new girls from different schools. Still friends with some girls and have moved on from others. It truly is no big deal. I am shocked how involved and opinionated you moms are about MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

NP. Not true. Most of the time, the kids without phones are left out because this is how plans are made among friends. You wouldn’t know this… because you don’t do social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change schools. If this is a private, then it is small. Start looking into it now.

+1. That’s what we did too. We did speak to teachers and headmaster about the mean girls problem and the bullying and gave them time to try and work on the social dynamics but they failed to do anything so we went to another private. Now I wish I had only done it sooner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

This was our experience too. The “no phone/no TikTok” kids need to find each other. They will never be invited into the other group.

Omg - they will never be invited into the group? My daughter doesn’t have a phone in 6th and is friends with plenty of girls that have them. Stop making stupid generalized statements. Some girls have phones without social media, others with, some have a Samsung, some have none. My daughter will be getting one for Christmas without social media. No big deal. Her friends have changed some as she has met new girls from different schools. Still friends with some girls and have moved on from others. It truly is no big deal. I am shocked how involved and opinionated you moms are about MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

NP. Not true. Most of the time, the kids without phones are left out because this is how plans are made among friends. You wouldn’t know this… because you don’t do social media.

+1

This is true at my kid’s school. It’s how they get together and also a big topic of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Get your kid a phone. She’ll make friends a lot faster. Or don’t, but then don’t be surprised when she is left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your kid a phone. She’ll make friends a lot faster. Or don’t, but then don’t be surprised when she is left out.

Or do, but don’t be surprised when she feels even worse, because now she knows about the plans, but still isn’t included. Or gets dropped from the group chat. Or gets sucked into some social media algorithm and completely changes her personality. Or loses the ability the make eye contact and hold a conversation. Sure, just get a phone. It’ll fix everything.

[Anonymous]

You teach her to stay away from a holes. Find kind friends.

[Anonymous]

matured more to their level

If she isn't boy crazy yet, she doesn't have much in common with them. They know this. They sense she just isn't where they are, in what they want to talk about. They aren't judging her for being less mature but they know that at this time it is not appropriate to include her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teachers has mentioned this shift of friendship at the end of 5th grade, 6th grade and throughout middle school many times. A big shift they said. Kids start to find their real interest and not the interest of their parents.
And you just hope the social skills you taught your kids will kick in. And activities is where people meet other people, even for adults.
So, your child can not be looking at a screen all week long. He/She needs to be doing something. Try a new thing. Find an interest. And at this age, it is hard because they no longer want to be controlled by the parents.

Two person friend groups seemed prevalent t at our private school, driven by pairs in the same homerooms for many years, moms doing 2 kid sleepovers a lot, and how early one got a smartphone. Kids with phones in 4th or 5th grade became friends with each other or made the whole friend group get one, or else.

This was our experience too. The “no phone/no TikTok” kids need to find each other. They will never be invited into the other group.

Omg - they will never be invited into the group? My daughter doesn’t have a phone in 6th and is friends with plenty of girls that have them. Stop making stupid generalized statements. Some girls have phones without social media, others with, some have a Samsung, some have none. My daughter will be getting one for Christmas without social media. No big deal. Her friends have changed some as she has met new girls from different schools. Still friends with some girls and have moved on from others. It truly is no big deal. I am shocked how involved and opinionated you moms are about MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

NP. Not true. Most of the time, the kids without phones are left out because this is how plans are made among friends. You wouldn’t know this… because you don’t do social media.

So someone says it hasn't affected their friendships and you say yes it has. Ok then LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You teach her to stay away from a holes. Find kind friends.

Impossible in middle school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach her to stay away from a holes. Find kind friends.

Impossible in middle school

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

I understand what you are saying, but realistically, in terms of attending a new school, your dd has 7th and 9th to move. It might not hurt to look at a few other schools and apply out just in case dd is still miserable at the end of the year. Being a lifer at a school can be really hard. It can be a blessing to reinvent yourself at a new school. My dd is at school that stops at a certain grade. Most of the kids will go to the same school after the current school. My dd will be going to a different school than most of her classmates in part because of the disproportionate number of mean girls DD has experienced for two years. We are lucky there is a forced break, ie must leave school. I'm sorry your daughter is going through this, kids can be really mean. You are lucky though it sounds like your dd is a good person.

[Anonymous]

I have 8th and 6th girls and I am still very close friends with their preschool and elementary friends’ moms. The kids have NEVER had an instance of falling out of friendships or anyone being excluded.

How did I manage this? Simple, we moved to a different country right after preschool, and again to another country after elementary. None of the kids ever went to school together after preschool and only a couple of us live in the same city.

I agree with the pp who said not to become best friends with moms of your child’s friends. My advice to moms about to enter the school social scene is not to get married. Be friendly, get coffee and dinner, but don’t commit to deep friendships simply because your kids play together. If your kids don’t move on to different friends, you might move on yourself once you actually get to really know them. I have seen money lost in real estate (two families decided to buy vacation homes next to each other and then had a falling out), an actual physical altercation between two moms who were running a Girl Scout troop that had to dissolve or split, and two families who shared a ski house rental until one mom caught the other husband spying on her in the shower.

I haven’t seen this mentioned, but obviously, our kids see our friendships and learn from them. OP, I can tell that part of your difficulty is that these moms are your friends and it hurts to see them not trying to help your daughter. From your daughter’s perspective, she can clearly see that you have a close friendship with these moms, and it’s natural for her to think that her friendship with their daughters is assured because all of the moms are friends. It adds to her sense of confusion and makes it more difficult for her to move on with other friends.

The problem is that when kids are in preschool and early elementary, it’s really beneficial for moms to be friendly with each other. Kids with more outgoing and friendly moms have more playdates. If you check the boards, you will see plenty of shy/introverted/recently moved posters asking how they can get more play dates for their kids because they are not friends with the other moms. But once the kids hit middle school, they don’t need their parents to be best friends. Being friendly is helpful, but having parental friendships influence their own too strongly can be complicated. I don’t know what the solution is, other than the one that fell into my lap - move. Hope things continue to improve. And I’m sorry that you might be moving on from your mom friendships. That is hard too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and BTDT on this thread. I really appreciate people taking a few minutes to share their kids' experiences.

To be clear, my priority is no way my friendships with these girls' parents. I have plenty of friends from other areas of life (work, grad school, neighbors). But is it really that unusual to become friends with some of the parents of your kids' friends? Our kids chose to be friends on their own (in no way social engineered) and I have spent hours upon hours with these people on the sidelines of games, at BBQs, school events. That evolved into adult dinners, parties, even travel. My questions was whether I should reach out to find out more about what is going on, again not applying pressure to include DD, just to better understand the source of the problem. Most of the responses have been a resounding no to this.

DD is not at a super small private, and it expands this year and in 7th, so seeking out friendships with some new kids is a really good idea. She does tend to be dramatic, and maybe that is a turn off to some of these friends. But the hurt she is feeling is real, and I've see with my own eyes the overt meanness on multiple occasions, so she is no way making this up in her head.

Thanks again for some of the tangible advice provided about how to help DD develop a thicker skin and become more resilient.

OP, my DD is also at a private that is not small. Between 6th and 8th grade pretty much her entire social circle changed. This did not just happen to her, but two about 2/3 of the girls in the grade. Then I’m 9th, there was a huge influx of students and the social circles changed again. Now in 10th the social circles have shifted a little bit but not as much as in previous grades. Throughout all of this, my DD has maintained a friendship with one girl and even that does not look the same as in years past.

The only thing that I did was to validate her emotions and tell her that this is completely normal, and that she would make new friends. I never spoke to the parents because I’m not the type of person that would do that and I wasn’t very friendly with them anyways. A couple of us that are friends because of our own interest and not because of our children past friendships decided together to sit back and let this happen, and not to involve ourselves in any kind of social engineering. I also reminded her that it happened to me in public school and that unfortunately, it’s just a part of the tween life. I became friends with some great people who I am still friends with to this day. DD now has a diverse group of friends and helps some of the younger girls who are going through this.

All this to say that it is a normal part of growing up. Just let her know is that you are there for her. That means more than anything in my opinion.