6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

I was cut from my friend group in 6th grade and it shook my social confidence for years. I think it’s a common year for friendships to change but that kind of context doesn’t help your suffering daughter.

I get that she’s doing well at her current school but I would seriously consider a change of scenery if things don’t improve within the next 6 months or so. She may also benefit from therapy to help her process the sad feelings she’s having and possibly get some feedback on whether her sensitivities/drama are contributing.

Given her vulnerable age and the nature of the exclusion, I would take this very, very seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This is offensively poor advice. Sixth grade is way too young to demand that a child handle these feelings on her own - that’s terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

You write she can be very dramatic? What did you mean by that and is this a reason she is being excluded?

[Anonymous]

Could it be possible that not every single girl in the group excluded her? Like only 1 or 2 are doing it? DD can do her own sleepover and invite the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

Mean! Why even bother to write this?

The friendships happened organically through school and sports. I became friends with these girls' parents because our kids were friends. I'm trying to figure out how to help my DD through this painful experience, not dictate her social life. "Just find new friends," isn't cutting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

She might benefit from some social skills coaching. That's not to say that the situation is her fault-mean kids suck. But, this is the age when kids get less understanding of super emotional, dramatic friends (I know because I also have one of those kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

As a parent who has BTDT, I totally agree with finding new friends but I don't agree with changing schools. Friend groups shift over time. The cliques will likely shift a lot by 9th grade and even more by 11th. What seems set in stone now will not stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

Ugh, so hard. In these years there's a lot of reshuffling as the kids transition from kids who play with anyone and everyone to cliquey teens. It's normal, but it still sucks.

I don't think you getting involved with the moms will help - I think she just needs to get through it. She will find her people on the other side, but it might suck for awhile. Encourage outside activities, other friendships, give her support, and focus on what is going well (academics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

But some schools are known for enabling / having more of this and if she stays she will need to navigate this until the Queen Bee is tired of her.
Your child does not have the tools right now to navigate this. You need to provide her with them.

The idea to reach out to the school counselor is a great place to start.

Please also watch out for her sense of self / confidence. Getting bullied and iced out of a friend group can lead to poor self-esteem, withdrawal and spiral quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You write she can be very dramatic? What did you mean by that and is this a reason she is being excluded?

Op here. I'm not sure why she's being excluded. I've touched base with the school counselor who said that social groups shift in MS, which I totally get. As I said in my OP, I've mentioned the exclusion to a few of the parents, but they are all surprised (or feign surprise, not sure). And my DD has tried to approach one of the girls in the group, but that also has gone nowhere.

I understand that groups change and these girls may not like my DD longer for a myriad of reasons that almost don't even matter. Just looking for tools to help my daughter through this without it completely shattering her confidence.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, this sucks. I agree with talking to your friends for info and also talking to her teachers. Your goal will not be to make the girls include her, obviously, but just to see if you can figure out whether there is anything she can (and should) do to heal the rift. It may just be a natural change, it may be mean girls being mean girls, or it may be your DD can work on a skill.

Encouraging her to build other friendships is also good. As for switching schools, I see why the idea sucks but limited social options is a common downside of small communities, whether they be schools, work places, towns, etc. At some point you could at least let your daughter know that is an option if she wanted, though certainly she does not have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

I understand, I've kind of been there. I would encourage both ends - be open to new friends, and also try inviting existing friends to activities. Also, like I posted above, just because 1 or 2 girls in a group isn't beasties with your daughter and doesn't invite her doesn't necessarily mean the rest of the group isn't friend-worthy or possible besties.

Mean! Why even bother to write this?

The friendships happened organically through school and sports. I became friends with these girls' parents because our kids were friends. I'm trying to figure out how to help my DD through this painful experience, not dictate her social life. "Just find new friends," isn't cutting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's at an age where friend groups start to shift and exclusion is part of that shifting. You say that you are friends with the parents- is this a situation where the kids were friends in first and the parents kept directing the friendship? Those groups seem to be the first to break apart once kids have more power over who they get to hang out with. I agree with PP who says she needs to diversity friend groups. She needs sports or other activities away from school. How large is her class? Hopefully it's big enough for her to find a group, if not I'd look at other options.

+1
These kids were a good fit at one time in her life, but for whatever reason, they aren't anymore. Help her find some places where she does fit. Agree that it's sad, and that they are being unkind (telling someone they can't join in is unnecessarily mean), but that this happens sometimes and the best way to handle it is to find other activities and people that you enjoy. And things might continue to shift; this isn't set in stone. Friend groups may dissolve, reform, etc., for the next several years. Learning to roll with it is an important skill.

[Anonymous]

Who is the nicest girl in the group? Invite her over for playdates and sleepovers.

Who is the nicest mom in the group? Ask her what's going on and don't let her shrug it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

Mean! Why even bother to write this?

The friendships happened organically through school and sports. I became friends with these girls' parents because our kids were friends. I'm trying to figure out how to help my DD through this painful experience, not dictate her social life. "Just find new friends," isn't cutting it.

Ugh, my reply got all screwed up. Here goes again:

I understand, I've kind of been there. I would encourage both ends - be open to new friends, and also try inviting existing friends to activities. Also, like I posted above, just because 1 or 2 girls in a group isn't beasties with your daughter and doesn't invite her doesn't necessarily mean the rest of the group isn't friend-worthy or possible besties.