6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

If she goes to a small private school, it sounds like you need a new school OP. Small privates can be brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

It's not micromanaging if the kids at 8, but once they start getting older it is. Accept that engineered friendships aren't going to survive middle school, but they may be fine for younger kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this happened to my oldest years ago.


Help her find other friends these are not her friends.

And calling parents isn't going to do anything but make them talk about you more.

Help her find her passions and find friends there. And think about changing schools.

+1 This happened to my DC last year. I bought the book "Odd Girl Out", and it explains the thinking in some of these girls' minds. I would read sections of it, then talk about it with DD and explain to her what I read.

I didn't finish the book because my DD found new friends, better friends who didn't have these power struggles. They seem more supportive of my DD.

DD is still "friendly" with the other girls but no longer hangs out with a couple of the girls in the group. She said she wasn't going to hold onto resentment because ultimately, that negativity just poisons her soul.

Teen girl social drama is a landmine. I went through my own, and it sucks. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This. Plus you knew this could happen or heard about it happening but believed it wouldn't happen to you.

Part of your upset is you are realizing that your social life is going to be effected and you enjoyed your social life and don't want it to change. You liked hanging out with those moms and you do feel mad because you thought because you were friends with them that meant that all your kids would remain friends.

Part of the upset is realizing that your child isn't going to be part of the in group and you will have to watch from the outside.

It is going to be ok. And if the school is really small, consider whether your desire to not move her is about her academics or is it about you don't want the other moms to talk about you or have it look like to other moms you guys couldn't deal. Neither are true but if you were that enmeshed before it might be clouding your judgement.

Making friends outside school is a good idea but keep in mind your DD will spend most of her time at school so it's hard not to have any friends there. I think it depends on whether there are other kids she could be friends with or if the school is so small there really isn't.

It's not microengineering to be friends with people in a group with common interests. JFC what planet are you from? People do this all the time being kids in groups together (e.g., scouts), in the same school/class, same sports team, same neighborhood. And nor is it wrong to, based on those interactions, think these were your kids and your friends. Finally, OP is entirely valid in her feelings that her own friendships will likely be affected.

None of that is microengineering. That is how social groups interact all the time. It happens here. In the midwest where i grew up. It happens everywhere. So quit labeling it like it's some helicopter parenting situation.

Yes it actually is, especially in small schools. Do you think every girl wanted every activity they were grouped together with? Come on now.

[Anonymous]

My child stopped year round swim for multiple new sports. This summer on swim team, not one year round swimmer talked to my daughter. Not at the meets or rec pool time. It was tough for my daughter (10) but she found new friends. I got the “on we missed Larla this winter, hope her times are still high” from the year round moms. I don’t care because those moms always sucked and I was never friends with them. So I just smiled and said none of us care what her times are. She just likes swimming - and walked away.

OP, your first mistake was thinking these moms were your friends. Second was allowing your child to learn to follow this group around. She isn’t wanted. Teach her self respect and move on. It’s sucks but it will make her stronger in the end.

[Anonymous]

My daughter and friends had a group of 6 from early elementary. In 6th grade, one of the girls (XX) started a pattern of behavior where she would claim that the others were being mean to her in this way or that and then generally ask to be driven home. As part of this, she made up all sorts of tall tales: so and so did this, said this, etc. We (the other parents) took her word very seriously when this started and we had many a conversation with our own kids to "be nice to XX" "be sensitive to her" etc. However, over time things continued to escalate and XX's stories got increasingly grandiose. We (the parents) started asking our kids separately "tell me exactly what happened" and we realized that our stories jived while XX's did not. In fact, they were told for the sake of being dramatic and then rescued by her parents. For whatever reason, at that developmental stage this girl THRIVED on drama and then built up a behavioral pattern where she would have her parents swoop in and rescue her. Her parents always took her word for it and viewed her completely as the victim.

It's now 8th grade and this girl has just naturally left the group. She's matured and is in a good place within a different group of kids.

I bring this up because sometimes it's not the group that's at fault but the kid who is being excluded is making herself toxic to the group. No one wants to be friends with a kid who is always playing the victim or injecting drama into a friend group. In my experience, when a friend group shifts its just as likely to because of the kids being excluded as it is because of those left in the group.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me in 6th grade and it sucked. Friend groups shift at this age and it's normal, but I agree with PPs that these girls and their moms are NOT your or your daughter's friends. It is an opportunity for her to learn self-respect to let these friendships go (they may come back by the way - it's still a long way from high school graduation). Get involved in other things at school and outside of school, and she should really try to stop pursuing these girls. It's clearly a form of entertainment for them to exclude her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

+1

+2 NP

[Anonymous]

This also happened to me in 6th. I agree that this seems beyond the usual “kids drift apart,” but there seems to be a concerted effort to freeze your DD out. If it were me I would encourage your DD to move on, but I would try to find out from one of the mom friends what happened.
Honestly, if they are just freezing her out but not spreading any rumors about her or bullying, I would be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This happened to one of my kids in middle school.

I get that friends change, but the way that the parents handled it was crappy. I didn’t expect them to actually do anything but they pretended like it wasn’t happening.

My kid has found a couple new friends and there is practically no drama.

What would you have wanted them to say/do?

Not lie to my face and pretend like nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and friends had a group of 6 from early elementary. In 6th grade, one of the girls (XX) started a pattern of behavior where she would claim that the others were being mean to her in this way or that and then generally ask to be driven home. As part of this, she made up all sorts of tall tales: so and so did this, said this, etc. We (the other parents) took her word very seriously when this started and we had many a conversation with our own kids to "be nice to XX" "be sensitive to her" etc. However, over time things continued to escalate and XX's stories got increasingly grandiose. We (the parents) started asking our kids separately "tell me exactly what happened" and we realized that our stories jived while XX's did not. In fact, they were told for the sake of being dramatic and then rescued by her parents. For whatever reason, at that developmental stage this girl THRIVED on drama and then built up a behavioral pattern where she would have her parents swoop in and rescue her. Her parents always took her word for it and viewed her completely as the victim.

It's now 8th grade and this girl has just naturally left the group. She's matured and is in a good place within a different group of kids.

I bring this up because sometimes it's not the group that's at fault but the kid who is being excluded is making herself toxic to the group. No one wants to be friends with a kid who is always playing the victim or injecting drama into a friend group. In my experience, when a friend group shifts its just as likely to because of the kids being excluded as it is because of those left in the group.

+1

OP I’m not at ALL saying that your DD is doing anything like this, but it does happen. Something similar happened with a girl in my DDs group of friends (had been friends since early elementary) around 6th grade. It does happen. We also took it seriously and reprimanded our girls (and made them keep including her) but finally out two and two together by the end of the year. All of the moms (who are friendly but not friends outside of the girls) liked the girl and the mom very much. They actually moved across town (preplanned, nothing to do with this issue) and the girl is thriving.

I agree with the tips to encourage diversity of friends rather than putting all eggs in one basket, and realize that (most of the time) you and the other moms are not truly friends. Friendly acquaintances sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and friends had a group of 6 from early elementary. In 6th grade, one of the girls (XX) started a pattern of behavior where she would claim that the others were being mean to her in this way or that and then generally ask to be driven home. As part of this, she made up all sorts of tall tales: so and so did this, said this, etc. We (the other parents) took her word very seriously when this started and we had many a conversation with our own kids to "be nice to XX" "be sensitive to her" etc. However, over time things continued to escalate and XX's stories got increasingly grandiose. We (the parents) started asking our kids separately "tell me exactly what happened" and we realized that our stories jived while XX's did not. In fact, they were told for the sake of being dramatic and then rescued by her parents. For whatever reason, at that developmental stage this girl THRIVED on drama and then built up a behavioral pattern where she would have her parents swoop in and rescue her. Her parents always took her word for it and viewed her completely as the victim.

It's now 8th grade and this girl has just naturally left the group. She's matured and is in a good place within a different group of kids.

I bring this up because sometimes it's not the group that's at fault but the kid who is being excluded is making herself toxic to the group. No one wants to be friends with a kid who is always playing the victim or injecting drama into a friend group. In my experience, when a friend group shifts its just as likely to because of the kids being excluded as it is because of those left in the group.

I don't think actual statistics would support this. Sounds like you got in the path of a sociopath in training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

This might be the root of it. It’s certainly possible that these girls are being mean, and also that the reason is that your daughter is a high maintenance friend. If she’s always causing drama, eventually it becomes easier to not include her. She will eventually mature past this, but I suspect this is what’s going on and this would also explain why your mom friends don’t know what to say to you. Most parents don’t want to hear negatives about their child, or hear they are annoying to others.

This. It sounds like they're tiring of her because she's high maintenance. You can work with her on managing her emotions and not being over-sensitive or dramatic.

I'd back off spending time with these girls, diversify the friend group, and focus on social skills. Maybe she can circle back to these kids when they have all had some time to mature.

[Anonymous]

Such a tough age OP! Definitely encourage your DD to make new friends at school. Also at this age please don't call them "playdates". That alone could get a kid ostracized. Find a fun weekend activity and have DD invite a classmate. Or see if there's one she wants to invite to come over an hang out.