6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change schools. If this is a private, then it is small. Start looking into it now.

I agree. What you describe isn’t uncommon at this age! Happens all the time. Kids meet new friends and life goes on! The only hiccup is it sounds like small school, which makes the dynamic harder to ignore and move on from.

If her school is a bad fit socially, change.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry that this is happening to your DD and I am sorry that you have lost the "friendship" of these moms. You are now likely seeing that these moms were never your friend and they will not risk their DD being the one on the outs with this group.

You and your DD need to cut your losses. It totally sucks because this isn't how you would treat people, but sadly, it is the way many kids and mothers do. At least these people aren't your neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You write she can be very dramatic? What did you mean by that and is this a reason she is being excluded?

Op here. I'm not sure why she's being excluded. I've touched base with the school counselor who said that social groups shift in MS, which I totally get. As I said in my OP, I've mentioned the exclusion to a few of the parents, but they are all surprised (or feign surprise, not sure). And my DD has tried to approach one of the girls in the group, but that also has gone nowhere.

I understand that groups change and these girls may not like my DD longer for a myriad of reasons that almost don't even matter. Just looking for tools to help my daughter through this without it completely shattering her confidence.

If you've tried to get info and don't have any, letting her know this is a terrible but normal part of life might help. I.e., she doesn't deserve it, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it happens to most everyone at one point or another. My SN son is being blown off by his former best friend just because the kid outgrew him. It sucks because he will not make a new friend easily, but letting him know that friendship changes in the teenage years are normal has helped a little I think. I was blown off by my best friend in 6th grade and my parents acted like they were embarrassed for me. It would have been so helpful if they had just taken it in stride and let me know it wasn't my fault and helped me explore new ways to make friends.

[Anonymous]

If this is a small private, consider changing schools sooner rather than later and pick a larger school with more social groups.

Once you are locked out socially at a private it rarely goes back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

This is offensively poor advice. Sixth grade is way too young to demand that a child handle these feelings on her own - that’s terrible parenting.

You be supportive of your child w/out “engineering” - which means to say, going to other moms and trying to soothe things over. The best advice is to pick better friends. These ones aren’t kids you want to hang with!

[Anonymous]

It may be normal or something that happens, but it doesn't make it good. I went through this myself, it sucks. Just because friends may have some different interests, it's not ok to just dump your friends. A kid shouldn't have to load up on activities just to make friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, how large is the grade?

6th grade is often an entry year in PK-12 schools. Is that the case here? If so, has she tried to make friends with any of the new kids? She should. Maybe invite one or two or three over?

7th grade is often an entry year as well, is it in your school?

She should remain polite and friendly with the other girls, as things may shift, but she should be focusing her friendship efforts elsewhere. If any of the girls in this group are still nice to her, she could try asking that one over one on one.

Also, this sounds shallow, but make sure she has the opportunity to get a decent, easy to care for hairstyle and some clothes that are in fashion.

I was super popular through fifth grade because I was a fun nice kid. Then I became awkward looking in middle school and it was harder for me to make friends. My mom is not fashionable and it didn't help that I had ugly glasses, terrible hair, and hand me downs from my older sibling that weren't in style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

Her dramatic nature may be an "excuse" for the mean girls right now. But if it wasn't that, and wasn't her, it would be someone else.

Are there enough other girls in her grade that you think she can find some nice new friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how large is the grade?

6th grade is often an entry year in PK-12 schools. Is that the case here? If so, has she tried to make friends with any of the new kids? She should. Maybe invite one or two or three over?

7th grade is often an entry year as well, is it in your school?

She should remain polite and friendly with the other girls, as things may shift, but she should be focusing her friendship efforts elsewhere. If any of the girls in this group are still nice to her, she could try asking that one over one on one.

Also, this sounds shallow, but make sure she has the opportunity to get a decent, easy to care for hairstyle and some clothes that are in fashion.

I was super popular through fifth grade because I was a fun nice kid. Then I became awkward looking in middle school and it was harder for me to make friends. My mom is not fashionable and it didn't help that I had ugly glasses, terrible hair, and hand me downs from my older sibling that weren't in style.

Oh also. I switched to a K thru 12 private in seventh grade. I know the dynamics you are discussing - the cool kids who've been there since K who are all friends because their moms are friends, etc. Those girls were not nice. And they were more likely to party in high school. THere were a few girls in their group who were clearly not embraced but managed to hang on the periphery because they were lifers and one or two friends made sure they stayed in the fold. I didn't envy those girls. Sure they were technically in the popular crowd but they weren't treated nicely. I would not recommend your kid become one of those.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my DD at the same age. Friend groups shifted, and the other moms had more in common with each other.
Help your daughter find new friends. Try not to perseverate about this--especially not to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice so far. She is involved in one after school activity that does not include kids from school, and we are encouraging more involvement with that to expand her horizons. She also has some friends in the neighborhood who she sees pretty regularly.

For those that suggest she change schools, she loves the school and is doing very well academically. I'm somewhat resistant to the idea that DD has to uproot her life just because of the mean behavior of others. It's like the harassed employee being the one who is forced to change jobs instead of addressing the harassment. And aren't there mean people everywhere?

DD is a super sensitive kid, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset easily, which perhaps make her an easy target for the meanness. She can also be very dramatic. But she is kind, funny and a very loyal friend. This is so hard.

Well you know the school situation best. If it is big enough where it’s possible to make new friends, then fine. If it’s small and she’s stuck w/out many options then that’s different. I would not let your philosophical argument get in the way of what’s best for your child, though. Sometimes we have to do what’s right for our kids even if we don’t like it on principal. Kids usually hate changing schools, btw. It’s a scary idea to them. See how it goes and urge her to move on & make new friends. I would not over dramatize this. Tell her it’s normal at this age, and to find nicer girls. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op, I hate to say it but the moms know about it. they are facilitating these things and they know your DD isn't included and have probably asked their kids about it. It sucks, but true. We are going through this now. Worse is that there is a mom group chat that they plan on. These moms know I'm not on the chat. So both of us are excluded (but I don't give 2 shiz) but my kid does.

I've always praised inclusiveness with my kids. For Hoco, halloween, parties etc. I don't make my kids invite everyone. But if all her invites are getting declined something is up. I know you don't want to change schools but most privates are so small. I would apply out and then have another option if things are still this bad.

In addition, asking her teacher for insight may help. Maybe she can shed some light on it and let you know if your daughter could improve on any social skills, although I don't think this is the case.

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

If she’s in a small school, I would say either switch to a bigger school or go deep in one or two activities outside of school (a sport, an artistic pursuit, whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little confused why you can't ask your friends what is going on. I'm friends with my kids' friends' moms and if she was suddenly frozen out I'd probably ask them in a very low key way about what is going on. In a "I notice XX is not being included, is there something she's doing that's annoying the others or is just natural evolution of the friendships?"

I'm in a group of 6 moms and we've become friends because our 12 year old kids are friends. One kid has originally been excluded. That mom is very open about it--in fact we all are. "Hey we notice the girls aren't including XX these days. What do we think is going on? Is it a misunderstanding or something the parents can fix or just an organic parting of ways?" We're all on our 3rd or 4th kid so we're super open about stuff like this.

OP - just go through your daughter’s phone (its your phone) and read all her chats.

Your daughter does not have a phone contract. You do. It’s your phone and you allow her to use it.

[Anonymous]

Do not change schools. It sounds like the friend groups have drifted apart. The worst thing you can do is latch on to that current group and try to force it. Also you didn’t mention hosting anything or inviting people over? Maybe they’ve moved on bc they are consistently hosting and it’s not reciprocated? If your dd does really want to be friends with them then throw something at your house and just invite a few of them (less than half so you’re not excluding one or 2). Even better would be if you hosted something for friends from the activity or new girls at the school.