SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

Are you this annoying in real life? That person who loves to pick one tiny thing and try to argue it ad nauseam? You’re like a dog with a bone. The sister in law (which is what she is to the OP) is a spinster. Plain and simple. And PP doesn’t owe you an explanation about why she used one word over another. This is an anonymous listserv, dope.

DP. I dunno once someone starts using spinster to talk about the SIL, it just screams mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

I know, that's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

You and your family mutually enjoy the amount of time you spend together, that is great. OP's family is less jazzed about the amount of time spent together. It should be re-calibrated to the comfort level that works for everyone. OP isn't saying the SIL can't ever visit, just not every single holiday (plus additional random time during the year).

I don't think it's completely unreasonable to expect a mid-40 YO to have some sort of relationships outside her parents/brother... doesn't have to be romantic in nature, but parents and brother can't be the *only* social outlet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

Are you this annoying in real life? That person who loves to pick one tiny thing and try to argue it ad nauseam? You’re like a dog with a bone. The sister in law (which is what she is to the OP) is a spinster. Plain and simple. And PP doesn’t owe you an explanation about why she used one word over another. This is an anonymous listserv, dope.

PP you are quoting.

One thing I do not do is assume anything about other posters or judge or insult other posters. Ever.
I find it so interesting that you find my focus on wanting to discuss an issue, rather than make assumptions about or judge people on "an anonymous listserv", to be what makes someone annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Oh gosh! Another one with no understanding of language. Being able to DEPEND ON family is not the same as being DEPENDENT UPON for ALL your emotional needs, entertainment, activities, etc.
Grow up!

[Anonymous]

I could have written this thread, minus the parent enabling.

My sister is not interested in building relationships outside her nuclear family. It's sad but that's her choice. I include her when I can but I don't feel any guilt if we make other plans (It helps that our parents are still alive and will have her over too).

[Anonymous]

Put your husband and children first! Book you own holiday plans now and break this cycle. Also, the next time she calls and says she is booking tickets to visit you, just tell her NO. You have to get her on your schedule.Have her visit when it works for you. The inviting should be in your court, not hers.
It sounds so stressful to me to have those long visits. Good Luck! Your children and husband will be so much happier without her hanging around all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have fun with your strawman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Project much? OP’s sister clearly does come other times of the year. And we don’t know that she doesn’t have friends, coworkers, etc. that she spends time with the rest of the year, but it’s not at all odd for people with plenty of friends to spend holidays with their families instead. Newsflash - all of those friends and coworkers are likely doing the same!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

FFS, give this crap a rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Well said. It is hard to believe that you think you are a good person, OP, when you are so clearly showing that you aren't. You can't make even a little room in your heart for this woman? You can't even suggest that she come to town and stay in a hotel (you can pay or you can pay halfsies or you can tell her to pay the cost herself, whichever you choose) just so one less person will be alone on the holidays? Your husband's sister? I would be so embarrassed to be you.

This is emotionally manipulative and childish. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! This post has clearly struck a nerve. I think there are a lot of people who relate to her SIL or the MIL and DIL who are getting up in arms.

SIL needs more outlets and it is not the job of OP and her husband to enable a grown up. She isn't dumping her. They simply won't cater so much anymore. This may be just the push the SIL needs to develop a fulfilling life so she isn't so needy.

There aren't a lot of people on this post who relate to the sil. There is one overbearing, dysfunctional probably mil who does this on every "family" related post. You know all the women on dcum hate their ils, don't you?