SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a late 40s SIL never married never dated no kids, and thankfully she doesn’t visit us often as the ball is in my DHs court with managing her and he has always said, “no, I don’t really like her” lol

She has living parents. And nieces from her half brother. And cats. We will make sure she is not alone but we are not responsible for her emotional failure to thrive or the fact that she has not developed interpersonal skills as an adult.

I have this sil. She thinks my dh owns everything we have and when she would visit, she would go through everything in our house in front of me. As in go into our bedroom and go through every drawer. She would do this in any and every room. I told her to cut it out but she ignored me. The house is my dh's in her mind. If a piece of furniture had a scratch or there was damage somewhere in our beautiful house, she would catalog it and come to me expecting an explanation. She would also never bathe. If she wanted to do something and we couldn't or didn't want to she would immediately call her parents and complain and they would expect me to get on the phone so they could lecture me. The day I gave birth to my first child who was premature, she called me at the hospital angry because I was doing parenting all wrong. She lived at home with the ils until she was 40 and had no idea how to manage basic living. Her mother did everything and she never had to do anything while she lived with her parents. After I married dh, even though we both had high powered stressful jobs and I brought in more money, dh's family thought I was responsible for everything. They would come for long visits and never help with anything.

Yeah, no. She doesn't get to visit anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

But don’t you feel like a third wheel intruding on their vacation?

So little empathy these days. After my paternal grandmother died, my mothers family went out of their way to include my bachelor uncle in holiday dinners so he wouldn’t be alone. Did they have to? Of course not. But it costs nothing to be kind. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about how you would feel. But apparently that’s asking too much of our self-centered culture these days.

Not the same situation. Work on your critical thinking skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Go away, shrew.

It would be nice if people would stop with the sexist terms. Shrew, spinster etc are vile. Sil seems to have a dependent personality and it would be good for op to switch things up to encourage sil to grow but also because op and her dh want to do something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Honestly this. Work it to your and their advantage. Single childless aunts love to spoil nieces and nephews. College funds?

Nothing wrong with wanting some nuclear family only time, but your DH should take the lead here ehas to be in agreement.

I honestly just think you don't like her and think you're better than her because you're married with kids. Your phrasing of DHs parents was weird.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find a low drama solution

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have fun with your strawman!

Have fun with your cats! Just not “too” much fun…reeeer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Honestly this. Work it to your and their advantage. Single childless aunts love to spoil nieces and nephews. College funds?

Nothing wrong with wanting some nuclear family only time, but your DH should take the lead here ehas to be in agreement.

I honestly just think you don't like her and think you're better than her because you're married with kids. Your phrasing of DHs parents was weird.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find a low drama solution

Come on now, not all single women are great aunts, especially those who have obvious social deficits. There is nothing wrong with putting some reasonable limits on visits. Let her complain to MIL and FIL but stand firm, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Honestly this. Work it to your and their advantage. Single childless aunts love to spoil nieces and nephews. College funds?

Nothing wrong with wanting some nuclear family only time, but your DH should take the lead here ehas to be in agreement.

I honestly just think you don't like her and think you're better than her because you're married with kids. Your phrasing of DHs parents was weird.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find a low drama solution

Come on now, not all single women are great aunts, especially those who have obvious social deficits. There is nothing wrong with putting some reasonable limits on visits. Let her complain to MIL and FIL but stand firm, OP.

This. Expecting to “milk” this situation is unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

I have an unmarried SIL who has kids. She isn't close to her parents so she spends every holiday with me and my husband. It's exhausting. She's a nice enough person but we can never have a holiday with my extended family at their home because it feels like we would be leaving her, and her kids, out.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like OP or her DH has ever actually communicated with SIL instead of about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

+100 (and I am the one with a family house in this scenario that tends to be the host of unmarried IL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

BUT is it DH doing this to his sister, or his wife who has decided for the both of them that the family plans are now only to be their family, and not his family. Wedge driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

BUT is it DH doing this to his sister, or his wife who has decided for the both of them that the family plans are now only to be their family, and not his family. Wedge driver.

Literally from the OP: “ Both DH and I are starting to get tired of this arrangement.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

+1. And for those who aren’t fortunate enough to have found a “significant other,” on holidays like Christmas, their “friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteers, churches, community groups” are full of people who aren’t available, because they are celebrating WITH THEIR FAMILIES.

(happily married mom)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Try responding to the actual post and not your own personal fanfiction.