SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

My SIL is in her late 40s-- never married, never moved away from her hometown, and doesn't have much going on in the way of hobbies or a wide group of friends. As a result, she has insisted on visiting us a lot. Her vacations are spent on our sofabed. We've been very welcoming and value the fact that she likes to see our kids, but it's gotten to be too much. Both DH and I are starting to get tired of this arrangement. She's become very entitled, already insisting that she's going to somehow spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with us this year. She was upset when we said we're going to do something else-- go a friend's house for one of the holidays and take a family trip-- just us-- for the other. She's having a lot of problems with this and even went so far as to complain to DH's parents that we're cutting her out. His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes. I think they still pay for a lot of stuff for her-- her downpayment on a new condo, grad school, even her plane tickets to see us.

I feel bad for her sometimes because, of course, life is changing. Our kids are getting older and spending more time with their friends. We've been teleworking a lot, too, and she doesn't seem to understand that we really don't need a third person parked in our little house all day when she visits. She has money for a hotel-- plenty of it-- but just doesn't want to spend it. It occurred to DH and I recently that we've never even actually invited her over once-- she's never given us a chance to extend an invitation. It's always been "I want to visit you next month, I'm booking for XX days. OK?"

We're not going to tell her to find hobbies, move to a new city, or find a partner. It seems to be well beyond that. Dating never worked out and every person she went on dates with was never quite right, based on what she's said. Still, it's become clear to us that our family is now her easy default for all of her needs. Any suggestions for how to handle this better? We don't want to hurt her, but we're not responsible for her personal life.

[Anonymous]

You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Nope. OP and her DH are well within bounds to have their own holidays without SIL, and have given her plenty of notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Holy sh!t no. OP and her husband are entitled to at least one holiday on their own. SIL can go spend it with her parents if she wants.

[Anonymous]

Handle it however you want. You’ll have to balance her feelings against your own wishes, set boundaries you’re comfortable with and communicate clearly and with compassion. That’s how families work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Holy sh!t no. OP and her husband are entitled to at least one holiday on their own. SIL can go spend it with her parents if she wants.

Agree. I’m in a similar position, although less severe than this. They can say no and are doing her a favor in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Oh, can it. Do you get that OP has a family side that deserves equal, special holiday time with OP/DH and their kids?

Here’s what: family should never expect all or even half of holiday and vacation time. Sometimes a family wants to spend time with one side, sometimes another, and sometimes they want to do their OWN THING.

Get over it. You Because Family people are the absolute worst, and you don’t seem to get that it’s this exact attitude that makes people NOT want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Hi SIL!

[Anonymous]

Just keep telling her every other holiday that you can’t spend it with her. Then increase to 2 holidays without and one with, etc
Same goes for “I am booking tickets to come over, ok?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Oh look - the SIL is here. Family does not mean you get to insist on what everyone does for the holidays. It sounds like part of the problem is not her being there for the actual day of the holiday, it’s that she constantly overstays her welcome.

[Anonymous]

So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

[Anonymous]

Here’s where you have to realize that if she was rationale about any of this she wouldn’t rely on your family so heavily. Expect her response to be equally as irrational, and let your husband do the talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Oh look - the SIL is here. Family does not mean you get to insist on what everyone does for the holidays. It sounds like part of the problem is not her being there for the actual day of the holiday, it’s that she constantly overstays her welcome.

"Oh look" -- OK, PP, you can mock people with ease. Congrats. I am not the SIL and not in the SIL's position, either. Some people don't have to be exactly like someone else to care about them. Think about that for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s where you have to realize that if she was rationale about any of this she wouldn’t rely on your family so heavily. Expect her response to be equally as irrational, and let your husband do the talking.

*rational