SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

Oooh! We've found the sadist!

Bitter: angry and unhappy because of unfair treatment; feeling or showing a lot of hatred or anger; very cold

Divorcee: A person who has been divorced. The term is more commonly applied to a woman.

Won't be long with a lovable personality like yours, PP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Because that PP doesn't have much going for her, if being married is the only thing she can use to bludgeon someone else over the head with. Pathetic, really. And I'm referring to any DH who would marry someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

because she's mean, and "spinster" is more fun for her than "SIL."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

God, you people are so predictable and so tiresome. Always with these these same insipid middle school wannabe-gotcha moment replies?

Several of us disagree with you. I’m neither PP nor OP, I’m married with kids and you sound like a pathetic, insecure overgrown mean girl. Sad.

+1 Super crazy.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

NP. Come on. We all know the difference between single/child-free people who contribute to family gatherings and those who have demands and expectations but never host, never recognize that people need time with the other side of the family, people want to have quiet holidays at home or travel during holidays, etc. I know a few people who basically only engage with family when it’s time not not feel alone at the holidays—take, no give. Expect/demand, no understanding or self-reliance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

NP. Come on. We all know the difference between single/child-free people who contribute to family gatherings and those who have demands and expectations but never host, never recognize that people need time with the other side of the family, people want to have quiet holidays at home or travel during holidays, etc. I know a few people who basically only engage with family when it’s time not not feel alone at the holidays—take, no give. Expect/demand, no understanding or self-reliance.

Yes, they are "less-than." But they're still family. Would you really expect the single SIL to host OP and her DH and their kids in, what, her apartment? SIL is trying to get a dose of family time by being at OP's house. She doesn't have much to offer OP in return. OP should be glad she has something nourishing to offer her single SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Go away, shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Go away, shrew.

You just fixed my DCUM addiction for me. Thank you, b/tch. I'm happy to oblige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

Are you this annoying in real life? That person who loves to pick one tiny thing and try to argue it ad nauseam? You’re like a dog with a bone. The sister in law (which is what she is to the OP) is a spinster. Plain and simple. And PP doesn’t owe you an explanation about why she used one word over another. This is an anonymous listserv, dope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Go away, shrew.

The only “shrew” here is in your mirror.