SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

NP. No, I don’t feel obligated to people who are likely lonely because they are steamrollers who can’t take “no” for an answer, always have to have their way, only consider their own needs, and thus don’t have many people who want to hang out with them.

I have an uncle that no one invites to family functions anymore. That’s the natural consequence of him saying racist remarks and using racial slurs in other people’s homes, after being directly told not to and asked to leave. Natural consequences.

I love to hate how these PPs are always, always, always talking about someone else. We aren't talking about your uncle. We're talking about OP's SIL.

[Anonymous]

We have no idea if OP is a selfish nightmare or if the sister-in-law is an entitled jerk.

When did this pattern of her visiting start? When it started were you fine with it? When did that change? Other than occupying the sofa bed and taking up physical space in your home, is she a good guest? Is she polite, helpful and appreciative or does she spend the whole visit complaining? What is her relationship like with your kids? Does she engage with them and act as another positive adult influence in their lives or does she only like to play fun auntie briefly for a few selfies and then ignore them the rest of the visit? What is your relationship like with her outside of as a houseguest? Do you or your husband talk to her or check in with her when she’s not staying with you? When was the last time you guys went and visited her in her home?

I agree that nobody is obligated to spend holidays in a particular way, but Thanksgiving and Christmas are both big family holidays that mean a lot to some people. And it sounds like in previous years you would’ve been absolutely fine hosting her For one or both of those big holidays. You may choose to see her visiting so often and staying on your couch as being “emotionally dependent on your family“ but she may just as easily view it as her putting in the work to build a relationship with her nieces and nephews and with her brother and his wife. How else is she supposed to connect with you all if she lives in a condo and doesn’t have room to comfortably host you/doesn’t want to put the burden of buying plane tickets for your family on you?

In short, it’s very obvious that you dislike her as a person and find her annoying, but that’s not the same thing as saying that she’s a bad sister, Aunt, or houseguest.

If she has been a good sister, aunt and houseguest over the years, and you were suddenly pulling the rug out on her ability to see your family over these two major holidays when that has been part of her routine for years now, that definitely feels pretty abrupt and inconsiderate.

It also sounds like your family is pretty passive aggressive in terms of the fact that you and your husband have apparently discussed at length with one another the fact that this arrangement no longer works for you, but the first she is hearing of it is when you are announcing a change to your routine for these two major holidays. Why could you not have told her the first time you noticed that it was getting on your nerves to have a houseguest that she was welcome to visit but you’d prefer she get a hotel because you’d like more privacy/ alone time in your home now that you are working from a home office? why could you not have had a conversation a year ago about how you’d like to limit visits to X number of times a year?

In short, you are welcome to handle this exactly as you are doing it, but a lot of us are telling you that it is very easy to look at this behavior as hurtful, and your examples of the things she has done to hurt you are pretty limited. Mostly it just sounds like you don’t like her, which is fine, but it doesn’t mean she is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

This reply is very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

She has no one? Um, no. She can go see her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Well said. It is hard to believe that you think you are a good person, OP, when you are so clearly showing that you aren't. You can't make even a little room in your heart for this woman? You can't even suggest that she come to town and stay in a hotel (you can pay or you can pay halfsies or you can tell her to pay the cost herself, whichever you choose) just so one less person will be alone on the holidays? Your husband's sister? I would be so embarrassed to be you.

This is just amazing. Did you miss the fact that the SIL has living parents? Did you miss that the OP’s husband - SIL’s brother - would like to change this situation? Why aren’t you attacking him instead of OP? Why aren’t you attacking the parents for not inviting their daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Well said. It is hard to believe that you think you are a good person, OP, when you are so clearly showing that you aren't. You can't make even a little room in your heart for this woman? You can't even suggest that she come to town and stay in a hotel (you can pay or you can pay halfsies or you can tell her to pay the cost herself, whichever you choose) just so one less person will be alone on the holidays? Your husband's sister? I would be so embarrassed to be you.

This is just amazing. Did you miss the fact that the SIL has living parents? Did you miss that the OP’s husband - SIL’s brother - would like to change this situation? Why aren’t you attacking him instead of OP? Why aren’t you attacking the parents for not inviting their daughter?

No one is attacking. OP asked a question. I answered. I think OP is wrong and there are a lot of people who agree with me. You don't. I have the same opinion about you as I do about OP. Oh, well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

[Anonymous]

Wow! This post has clearly struck a nerve. I think there are a lot of people who relate to her SIL or the MIL and DIL who are getting up in arms.

SIL needs more outlets and it is not the job of OP and her husband to enable a grown up. She isn't dumping her. They simply won't cater so much anymore. This may be just the push the SIL needs to develop a fulfilling life so she isn't so needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

[Anonymous]

I also have a late 40s SIL never married never dated no kids, and thankfully she doesn’t visit us often as the ball is in my DHs court with managing her and he has always said, “no, I don’t really like her” lol

She has living parents. And nieces from her half brother. And cats. We will make sure she is not alone but we are not responsible for her emotional failure to thrive or the fact that she has not developed interpersonal skills as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.