SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

But don’t you feel like a third wheel intruding on their vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

But don’t you feel like a third wheel intruding on their vacation?

NP. God, drop it. Why are you dogging this PP?
OP, that sounds tough. Any chance your SIL could be encouraged to do online dating or whatever to build up more of a life for herself? And your MIL and FIL need to butt out. Their daughter is their responsibility, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I am also in this position, OP. Let me know when you figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

Yeah, I used the term because the shoe fits.

But why did you feel the need to use the term “Spinster Sis”? It was obvious she was older and unmarried. How did using that term add value or meaning?
What about my main question? Still think the parents don’t want her around? If so, why?

Spinster is an accurate description of SIL. Sorry if it hurts your feelings. Her parents seem all too happy to pawn her off on brother and his wife, they’re not insisting that SIL come for one of the holidays each year - heck they are paying for her flight to see OP’s family. You must see yourself as the SIL with the personal offense you’re taking in this thread.

What makes you think I am taking personal offense?

“SIL” is also an accurate description of the woman. It is the one that has been used uniformly throughout this thread. What I am asking is why you chose not to use the same term as everyone else?

Because you continue to ask a question you’ve already been provided a valid response to. You’re pressed, lady! Check out G Tours, great way to travel with a like minded group, and absolves your extended family from having to deal with your temper tantrum from assuming you can carve out a permanent lump on their couch well into your 80s. Hope you find peace and happiness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are dh’s parents doing for the holidays?

Prob enforcing boundaries they’ve previously set around SIL’s freeloading ways

How do you define "freeloading"? I think my definition is very different....

(Also, did you even read what OP said about the dynamic between SIL and the parents?)

She doesn’t ask, she tells her brother and OP when she wants to show up. OP doesn’t make mention of SIL offering to grab pizza one night, or pick up bagels and juice for one breakfast (SIL has the cash to stay in a hotel so she’s not broke). SIL is also mooching off of her elderly parents for plane tickets.

1. Not asking has nothing to do with freeloading.
2. Correct, no specifics were offered about who pays for pizza or bagels. So that is not evidence for or against freeloading.
3. She may be "freeloading" off the parents, based on what OP "thinks" (but does not know). But clearly they are OK with it, which is proof that they are not "enforcing boundaries" around the sister.

Based on OP’s description I bet the parents are happy to pay for her flight so they don’t have Spinster Sis at their home for weeks at a time every holiday season.

Really? What part of OP's posts make you say that?

Was it this? "His parents always take her side-- I think she's forever 12 in their eyes."
Or this? "DH partially blames his parents for the situation. They catered to her all of their lives and were very upset when she wanted to move away."

Or the complete absence of saying that ANYTHING about SIL is bad other than that she is around more than they want and that she does not wait for an invitation?

And tell me more about your use of "Spinster"? What did you mean to convey by that term?

Oooh I’ve struck a nerve! Found the SIL! Go find friends and hobbies and expand your world outside your brother’s family.

Spinster: an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.

So you think I am the SIL and you offered advice as to what I should do with my life.

Any interest in responding to my actual question?

(Providing a definition of spinster is not the same as explaining why you chose to use the term.)

I think we've all figured out why you're still single.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is be kind and clear. “Larla, the kids have always wanted to do Christmas in a place with palm trees, and the timing works really well for us this year with the school break dates. We’ll be out of town through New Years. Hoping that saves you on the hectic holiday travel and flight costs! Our spring break is looking pretty busy with Janie’s softball tournament. Hopefully we can plan something for 4th of July!”

You can’t control how she responds. I’d make your husband deal with it. His circus, his monkeys, don’t give anyone a reason to pin this on you.

[Anonymous]

Has OP answered why SIL can't visit her parents for the holidays? As far as I can tell they're still alive?