SIL emotionally dependent on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a late 40s SIL never married never dated no kids, and thankfully she doesn’t visit us often as the ball is in my DHs court with managing her and he has always said, “no, I don’t really like her” lol

She has living parents. And nieces from her half brother. And cats. We will make sure she is not alone but we are not responsible for her emotional failure to thrive or the fact that she has not developed interpersonal skills as an adult.

I have this sil. She thinks my dh owns everything we have and when she would visit, she would go through everything in our house in front of me. As in go into our bedroom and go through every drawer. She would do this in any and every room. I told her to cut it out but she ignored me. The house is my dh's in her mind. If a piece of furniture had a scratch or there was damage somewhere in our beautiful house, she would catalog it and come to me expecting an explanation. She would also never bathe. If she wanted to do something and we couldn't or didn't want to she would immediately call her parents and complain and they would expect me to get on the phone so they could lecture me. The day I gave birth to my first child who was premature, she called me at the hospital angry because I was doing parenting all wrong. She lived at home with the ils until she was 40 and had no idea how to manage basic living. Her mother did everything and she never had to do anything while she lived with her parents. After I married dh, even though we both had high powered stressful jobs and I brought in more money, dh's family thought I was responsible for everything. They would come for long visits and never help with anything.

Yeah, no. She doesn't get to visit anymore.

Neat. And completely irrelevant to the OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have fun with your strawman!

Have fun with your cats! Just not “too” much fun…reeeer!

I’m sorry you’re so insecure.I hope you feel better soon. DP.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses. I have a SIL like this and my kids are older now. She's always welcome at my home and now that my kids are older they are sometimes and other times they are not. Sure, she can annoy me on occasion but we are family so I've never thought of it as a big deal. I don't really see the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses. I have a SIL like this and my kids are older now. She's always welcome at my home and now that my kids are older they are sometimes and other times they are not. Sure, she can annoy me on occasion but we are family so I've never thought of it as a big deal. I don't really see the problem here.

You don't see a problem with someone showing up and staying on your couch for every holiday (let's call it Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas) and an additional vacation each year, for years and years? That's 4x a year - quarterly! OP's kids are at the age they want to spend more time with their friends, so they have to be at least 8-10!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

BUT is it DH doing this to his sister, or his wife who has decided for the both of them that the family plans are now only to be their family, and not his family. Wedge driver.

Literally from the OP: “ Both DH and I are starting to get tired of this arrangement.”

Don’t waste your time. I recognize these trolls from other threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses. I have a SIL like this and my kids are older now. She's always welcome at my home and now that my kids are older they are sometimes and other times they are not. Sure, she can annoy me on occasion but we are family so I've never thought of it as a big deal. I don't really see the problem here.

Of course you can’t. Your SIL is not OP’s SIL.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

But don’t you feel like a third wheel intruding on their vacation?

So little empathy these days. After my paternal grandmother died, my mothers family went out of their way to include my bachelor uncle in holiday dinners so he wouldn’t be alone. Did they have to? Of course not. But it costs nothing to be kind. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about how you would feel. But apparently that’s asking too much of our self-centered culture these days.

Not the same situation. Work on your critical thinking skills.

Work on your interpersonal skills so you’re not such a glassbowl.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find your SIL a house of worship to join and become part of their community. Historically, this is how single, childless people found places to go for the holidays instead of traveling to visit family. My in-laws are leaders in their church and frequently host random people for Christmas dinner (usually they're interesting people, sometimes they're duds and it's super awkward). This is definitely a thing, your SILs all need to find a church or other house of worship. I've seriously been trying to push this on my single SIL too, but she hasn't found one she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to find your SIL a house of worship to join and become part of their community. Historically, this is how single, childless people found places to go for the holidays instead of traveling to visit family. My in-laws are leaders in their church and frequently host random people for Christmas dinner (usually they're interesting people, sometimes they're duds and it's super awkward). This is definitely a thing, your SILs all need to find a church or other house of worship. I've seriously been trying to push this on my single SIL too, but she hasn't found one she likes.

Me again - wanted to say that DH and I are non-religious, so I'm not like forcing my religion on anyone or anything. I'm nothing, DH is a lapsed Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to find your SIL a house of worship to join and become part of their community. Historically, this is how single, childless people found places to go for the holidays instead of traveling to visit family. My in-laws are leaders in their church and frequently host random people for Christmas dinner (usually they're interesting people, sometimes they're duds and it's super awkward). This is definitely a thing, your SILs all need to find a church or other house of worship. I've seriously been trying to push this on my single SIL too, but she hasn't found one she likes.

Stop being gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Oh my goodness. This is a grown woman who is treating the Op's home like it has a revolving door on it. Free and Open anytime this chick feels the urge to visit. Op is not her mama and this chick is not a kid. She's a freeloader. In fact, maybe the SIL should offer to host the holidays at her house for a change and invite her elderly parents to stay with her.

[Anonymous]

Same ahole OP?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1134987.page

[Anonymous]

When my uncle lost his professional license, got divorced and basically lost everything including his relationship with his 4 adult kids, my parents took him in for a year. They invited over for every holiday and for dinners until he passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to find your SIL a house of worship to join and become part of their community. Historically, this is how single, childless people found places to go for the holidays instead of traveling to visit family. My in-laws are leaders in their church and frequently host random people for Christmas dinner (usually they're interesting people, sometimes they're duds and it's super awkward). This is definitely a thing, your SILs all need to find a church or other house of worship. I've seriously been trying to push this on my single SIL too, but she hasn't found one she likes.

Wow, so not only are those random people spinsters but duds too. How unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this thread goes back to 2022. How did Christmas and Easter turn out, OP?