What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

But the mother should never have had 12 kids regardless of how great a parent she was. That’s too much for any parent to be able to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

[Anonymous]

I think most people in their 20s and 30s go through a sort of reckoning where they take an honest look at their parents’ parenting from a distance and come to terms with their parents’ strengths and weaknesses and how it affected their upbringing. I think most adults go through an angry stage where they process how their parents’ faults have harmed them. And I think as people continue to age, especially as they reach late 30s/40s they come to understand their parents aren't perfect and did their best.

Parents’ imperfections run the gamut though and some parents do terrible harm to their kids regardless of intention or best efforts. People can still recognize that their parents tried their best but could still choose to distance themselves from said parents if their behavior was abusive. But I think the majority of adult children eventually accept their parents faults and eventually move past them — letters like this can be the beginning of that acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

But the mother should never have had 12 kids regardless of how great a parent she was. That’s too much for any parent to be able to handle.

Why do you blame only the mother? Surely you can also blame the father too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

The bad feelings are already there. The therapist didn’t cause them, the parent did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Exactly.

+1

Tell him that you are sorry and that you tried your very best. And then tell him that he is no longer a child and now his life is completely up to him. Unless there was some abuse/harassment/neglect etc you could not possibly cause him major childhood trauma.

P.S. I wish my parents allowed me to homeschool when I was having horrible time in high school. Many of my self esteem issues stem from those years. I also wish they were religious and taught me faith. It's very sad and confusing to be raised by atheists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

[Anonymous]

Parents are just flawed humans like everyone else. Your son will also be a flawed parent should he have children.

My parents were people who did a lot of things wrong but none of it was intentional. They had their own issues from their own childhoods and lives and thought they were raising us the best way based on what they thought they should or shouldn't do from their own experiences.

One time my dad called me and was sobbing and saying sorry over and over. I was in a store and had never heard my dad cry and was extremely uncomfortable and just said that s okay. I still don't even know exactly what he was apologizing for but that call was very healing for me as it was clear he was upset that about something related to me and that was all the recognition I needed.

I did have a friend whose therapist told her to cut all ties with her family so she could grow and be her own person as I guess how she had described them made them sound overbearing. However her mental health was very poor and as imperfect as they might have been, they loved her and had been her support system and without them she got much much worse. Three years later she finally got back in contact with them and they all feel the therapist pressured her at a vulnerable time into doing something that was far from her best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

You do realize this is a parenting forum right? Most if not all of us ARE parents. What is your problem? You f'ed up with your kid, take accountability and get over yourself. Stop trying to normalize shitty parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Hard disagree. It's something for the mother to discuss in therapy and friends, not her child. My mom always recounts how I had colic for a year, and how hard that was. But, she never once has related to it as a rejection of her or anything more than a fluke. Which is what it is. I'm sorry to the PP (above you) that you had to bear the brunt of that.

A colicicky baby can give a parent PTSD. It can cause mental health issues. It doesn't just fade in your memory.

Then the parent should seek help, not hold a grudge against their BABY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.