What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

My brother blames my parents for all of his failures. They did the best they could. He was a very challenging kid, and they were really not well-equipped to deal with him. Some of this dynamic is personality driven. They are never going to give him what he needs. I don't know if anybody could.

Just listen to your kid and acknowledge that you weren't perfect and that you wish you had done better. Tell him you support him and love him.

As an adult you have to realize that your parents are imperfect and that you are now the captain of your own happiness. Some people get this, others don't.

[Anonymous]

Op, you list one crappy thing after another. How did you even come up with all those? I understand if relationships/marriages/co-parenting is hard, but why did you decide on the other crap? Leave your kid alone.
Even now, you are worried about you being blamed instead of what you did to him. You are to be blamed. Everything you did was for you, not for him.

[Anonymous]

.
You need to get back in church

[Anonymous]

Which is why I have often remarked to my kids that it's hard finding a therapist that doesn't indirectly blame parents. The worse thing a patient can do is misinterpret their therapist's suggestions and put all the blame on a parental figure without understanding that they have to do the work to heal, regardless of what they went through in the past.

We tried a couple's therapist once: instead of talking about respectful communication, rules for fighting fairly, etc, all she wanted to talk about was my husband's parents and their perceived dysfunction. He of course was happy to talk about them so that we didn't have to do the hard work of fixing our actual problems. Utter waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Hard disagree. It's something for the mother to discuss in therapy and friends, not her child. My mom always recounts how I had colic for a year, and how hard that was. But, she never once has related to it as a rejection of her or anything more than a fluke. Which is what it is. I'm sorry to the PP (above you) that you had to bear the brunt of that.

A colicicky baby can give a parent PTSD. It can cause mental health issues. It doesn't just fade in your memory.

OH MY GOD. IT'S NOT THE BABY'S FAULT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

ALL THE TIME. But you know what? I don't guilt trip my kid about it because she's JUST A KID. For god's sake. What is your problem?

What until she is an adult, goes into therapy and hands you the blame for all her defects and bad feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

That’s probably true. But that’s not toddler PP’s fault or responsibility and the dad shouldn’t be guilt tripping her about it still years later. Many if not most young kids prefer their moms. Many if not most young kids cry easily when their preferred caregiver leaves. That is normal baby/toddler stuff and an emotionally mature adult should understand that and get over it, even if it does hurt their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

ALL THE TIME. But you know what? I don't guilt trip my kid about it because she's JUST A KID. For god's sake. What is your problem?

What until she is an adult, goes into therapy and hands you the blame for all her defects and bad feels.

I'm far from perfect, accept that I make lots of parenting mistakes, and I have a pretty thick skin. I'm pretty sure I'll be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

There’s having your feelings hurt which is unavoidable and understandable especially for sensitive parents and there’s blaming a baby-toddler for hurting your feelings and using something your kid did as a baby/toddler to guilt trip them years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

That’s probably true. But that’s not toddler PP’s fault or responsibility and the dad shouldn’t be guilt tripping her about it still years later. Many if not most young kids prefer their moms. Many if not most young kids cry easily when their preferred caregiver leaves. That is normal baby/toddler stuff and an emotionally mature adult should understand that and get over it, even if it does hurt their feelings.

+1 What is it with our parents?!? I swear I feel like I'm raising a real child on one end and also having to deal with grown up, immature kids on the other end. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My mother used to laugh, literally laugh about my sister going into therapy. She'd say "well, they always blame the mother!"

Just to add, our mother was a manipulative narcissist (my DH's words, not mine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

+1 And they were ensure that it takes many, many expensive sessions to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

That’s probably true. But that’s not toddler PP’s fault or responsibility and the dad shouldn’t be guilt tripping her about it still years later. Many if not most young kids prefer their moms. Many if not most young kids cry easily when their preferred caregiver leaves. That is normal baby/toddler stuff and an emotionally mature adult should understand that and get over it, even if it does hurt their feelings.

+1 What is it with our parents?!? I swear I feel like I'm raising a real child on one end and also having to deal with grown up, immature kids on the other end. It's exhausting.

People like that never change. My parents were emotionally immature at 30, when I was a child, and they are emotionally immature at 70. The only difference is I no longer need them. Thank God, because they were terrible parents. They are ok to visit in short stints, but I will never be close to them...they aren't capable of that.

[Anonymous]

Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.