Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a planner, but I just don’t get this. Why would you put in the effort of finding a hotel and sending links instead of just booking what you want? Wouldn’t it be easier to just book it when you are looking at hotels?

It was the guy's idea to go away and it would be awkward for OP to book it and also have it on her credit card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is stressful. You're asking him to step up into a role he isn't good at or doesn't have interest in being good at. And now you're in the position where you're trying to manipulate the situation to try and let him feel the "consequences" of his actions. It has a small chance of working, but an even bigger chance of you finding out just how much less of a big deal this is to you than it is to him. I do 100% of the planning and booking because I'm good at it and enjoy it. And this ensures everything is to my liking. If there are times when I don't want to do this, I just say so and leave it be. Or narrow down and get input on the final decisions cause I've done enough. Not be upset if it doesn't get done or get done to my liking. You can keep down the current path of trying to shift a situation/person into what you want it to be but this rarely works out well. I don't have all the answers, but that seems like a poor choice.

Is it because he isn't good at it? Or is it he's putting in low effort into the relationship?

It's definitely just not his thing. Cooking isn't mine, but he loves it so he takes care of meals and packs my lunches. He's also a very neat person and is on top of cleaning, laundry etc often before I even get a chance. We understand we excel in different areas and are ok letting the other person handle that stuff. This may not work for people where an exact 50/50 on everything is important but we're pretty content.

I can see how this might work in a marriage, but in a dating situation, if he is off the hook for all "planning" (e.g., vacations, dates, activities), because he's supposedly not good at it, what is he actually contributing to the relationship? I assume he's not doing chores or paying bills if they're not living together. So OP is driving the whole boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

[Anonymous]

Who plans all the $hit for his kids and coparenting schedule? Does he just Disney dad or or screen time when in charge?

You need to decide if it’s a pervasive pattern and if you want to cover for him for as long as he’s in your picture. Many women would flee by now. Depends how hard up you are, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is stressful. You're asking him to step up into a role he isn't good at or doesn't have interest in being good at. And now you're in the position where you're trying to manipulate the situation to try and let him feel the "consequences" of his actions. It has a small chance of working, but an even bigger chance of you finding out just how much less of a big deal this is to you than it is to him. I do 100% of the planning and booking because I'm good at it and enjoy it. And this ensures everything is to my liking. If there are times when I don't want to do this, I just say so and leave it be. Or narrow down and get input on the final decisions cause I've done enough. Not be upset if it doesn't get done or get done to my liking. You can keep down the current path of trying to shift a situation/person into what you want it to be but this rarely works out well. I don't have all the answers, but that seems like a poor choice.

Is it because he isn't good at it? Or is it he's putting in low effort into the relationship?

It's definitely just not his thing. Cooking isn't mine, but he loves it so he takes care of meals and packs my lunches. He's also a very neat person and is on top of cleaning, laundry etc often before I even get a chance. We understand we excel in different areas and are ok letting the other person handle that stuff. This may not work for people where an exact 50/50 on everything is important but we're pretty content.

I can see how this might work in a marriage, but in a dating situation, if he is off the hook for all "planning" (e.g., vacations, dates, activities), because he's supposedly not good at it, what is he actually contributing to the relationship? I assume he's not doing chores or paying bills if they're not living together. So OP is driving the whole boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I posted this about how we do things in my relationship and this is a great point. Dating doesn't typically involve the day-to-day domestic stuff for both people to pull their weight on, so all you're left with are the meet-ups. I wouldn't be happy putting together all of them and arranging all the trips in this situation. Regardless, this is really important to the OP as far as her boyfriend being invested in the relationship, so she should absolutely stand her ground when it comes to him putting in the effort and following through with what he said he would. These things don't really get better IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a planner, but I just don’t get this. Why would you put in the effort of finding a hotel and sending links instead of just booking what you want? Wouldn’t it be easier to just book it when you are looking at hotels?

It was the guy's idea to go away and it would be awkward for OP to book it and also have it on her credit card.

I’m not trying to be obtuse here. Is it about the cost then? OP doesn’t want to be stuck paying for it? Why couch it as planning if the issue is actually paying for the trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been with this guy 8 months. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Because it looks like you will do ALL the executive functioning.

I married a man that isn’t a planner. But he definitely would do a lot better than this guy. I do most of the executive functioning, but he does more of the “doing.” But when I tell him something is important to me, he plans it.

Personally, I would break up over this if it happened more than once. If it was the first time, I would have a real heart to heart. It find it disrespectful for someone to mess around with my schedule like this.

OP: I don't necessarily want to get married again. We both already have kids. I do feel a bit hurt because I had explained to him weeks ago that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy or had bad intentions. I do feel as someone else said, that this is not a priority to him.

Did your previous boyfriend do a better job at planning?

[Anonymous]

I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

What was it like when you were dating though? She booked everything and you paid her back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

What was it like when you were dating though? She booked everything and you paid her back?

When we were dating there was more flexibility on her part, so I actually booked some things and she paid me back, or we’d just let it all “come out in the wash.” We got older and things changed, and now she wants to control everything. So, okay. If she asks for my input I’ll provide it, but ultimately - happy wife, happy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

My husband would probably say this about me, but if I didn’t plan anything, everyone would wake up each morning of the trip looking to me to figure out what we’re doing, where we’re eating, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

My husband would probably say this about me, but if I didn’t plan anything, everyone would wake up each morning of the trip looking to me to figure out what we’re doing, where we’re eating, etc.

I hear you. But for my wife it’s like she has an agenda, and an obsessive need for control, and then feels victimized when there’s no help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, in my experience, my wife would never trust me enough to book anything. Every last excruciating detail must be accounted for, and by the time the trip comes around it's largely a to-do list of joyless transactions. Now we do this. Now we do that.

My husband would probably say this about me, but if I didn’t plan anything, everyone would wake up each morning of the trip looking to me to figure out what we’re doing, where we’re eating, etc.

I hear you. But for my wife it’s like she has an agenda, and an obsessive need for control, and then feels victimized when there’s no help.

Do you have kids? It's really hard not to plan some things (like meals and activities) if you have little ones who will meltdown if hungry or get bored and tear up the place if you're not out and about. Planning can make it possible for the adults to relax more.

[Anonymous]

Find out if he has ANY executive functioning skills or not. If so it’s pretty pervasive and may be the tip of the mental disorder iceberg. No one needs that type of clinger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every man is a planner. He just isn't that excited about this weekend.

Tell him that you will have a threesome on this trip if he plans everything, including where you are going to go to dinner and where you will meet her/him for drinks. Watch his clipboard and headset materialize from nothing.

Way to generalize. My DH is not a planner. It has nothing to do with his desire to go places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. We've been married for 10 years. He's not a man baby. He does a ton of household and kid stuff every day. But he just doesn't seem to feel like planning fun stuff is high in the list of urgency. Mostly, at this point, I do it, because clearly i care more whether we have the plans. The exception is when it's specifically something for his friends or family, then I tell him he has to do it or we just won't go.

+!. This is us. My husband does tons of day to day stuff, but I'm the vacation/holiday/birthday/social event planner. I used to resent it. But I have accepted that this is who he is, and it has its plusses for me -- I get to pick what looks fun. He never objects and is pretty flexible when it comes to what I'd like to do. Sometimes that kind of pairing works. He rarely gets his act together to book things that he wants to do but I might not, which is fine with me.

I do not plan certain things -- Mother's Day, my birthday, holidays in his religious tradition, things for his friends and family. He's on his own for those.

OP, I think this comes down to love languages and compatibility. If you're someone who feels cared for when another person puts together a whole itinerary and spends time and effort researching the best things to do and is very on top of booking, then this isn't going to work for you. If you can accept the other things he offers as his love and not take personally the fact that this is how he rolls, then do so. He obviously does not prioritize having the best place to stay in, eating a fantastic meal, doing special activities. For him a fun weekend might be lowkey and just having time hanging out and having fun in a new place. This isn't bad -- just different. Only you know if you can live with that.