Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The boyfriend has earmarked the specific weekend to go away. Why can’t you simply have a wait and see approach? It’s Columbus Day, not New Year’s Eve or your birthday. If he doesn’t organize anything, you can then decide if this is a dealbreaker. I think you are overreacting before you need to.

Op needs to book a flight to visit a friend for Columbus Day weekend. Refundable for credit just in case boyfriend comes through with planning a weekend trip.

And when he “suddenly” says he got to busy to plan something or go anywhere, OP says she’ll go see her friend as she’s wanted to for a couple years. After all your 3-day weekends are valuable.

Then you’ll know he’s all talk and no action.

And if he starts arguing with you about Who cares, we can have fun here. No one needs to go away and starts gaslighting OP she can reiterate her values: my time and my 3 day weekends are valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

Duh.

Fail to plan, Plan to fail.

First come, first served.

Early bird, gets the worm.

Delay long enough and you think decisions are magically made for you. The leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

I can see why it didn't last!

Not me! I love a man who can plan! It means I do not have to.

My DH does all the planning and doesn’t need a spreadsheet. I never have to worry about reservations being at subpar places. He just planned a 10 day European trip and I took him about an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im apparently the one woman here who thinks that OP may be overreacting. Columbus Day is 3.5 weeks away. You have plenty of time to figure out the plans for the long weekend, esp since you are travelling without kids so you can be more flexible.

I mean honestly, is the whole point to go away together and have a fun weekend adventure just the two of you, or is the point to go on the best, most planned out, perfect vacation ever?

Let him plan the weekend without your booking “backup hotels”. Whats the worst that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western somewhere and have to wait at the bar for a table a few times? If you really like this guy, that should be good enough.

Pp here. I dont mean “good enough” as in “accept what you get” which was not my intention. But it seems to me that you are looking at this weekend differently than he is. For you it seems to be a huge big romantic weekend away, some kind of litmus test for your relationship. Will this be your first time sleeping together or traveling together? Is this why this is such a big deal for you? He wants to spend the weekend together. He told you so and you guys have plans to do so. You dont have kids that weekend, he doesnt have kids that weekend, you both have 3 days off, you have plans to spend the weekend together. That sounds like a fun weekend to me. 3 weeks is plenty of time to figure out which hotel to stay in. Its Columbus Day weekend, its not 4th of July weekend. Its not a huge demand travel weekend. There are plenty of places you can go and find a nice hotel and have a nice romantic weekend.

Seriously, this relationship may work, it may not. Who knows, time will tell. But why is it so important that he book a hotel over 3 weeks before a random Columbus Day weekend trip? Are you planning to try and go to a small town with one hotel that books up months in advance and he is missing the booking window? Do you plan to go to somewhere like French Laundry and have to make arrangements around getting a hard to get reservation? Why cant you just let him plan this weekend the way he wants to? He may not be planning it the way that you would, but give him a chance. It is over three weeks away and you have already deemed him a failure for not over-planning. You havent even left on the trip yet and have already decided that the weekend will fail and/or you are going to bail on him and do something without him if he doesnt plan it your way.

At the end of the day, whats the worst thing that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western?

Spending 2 nights in a best western would not be enjoyable, especially if you have limited time away from kids to be able to do this.

DP. I would also find 2 nights at a Best Western enjoyable, especially if the main thing is just being together away from the kids.

Honestly, I don’t think I would be compatible with someone who needed hotels and restaurants chosen months in advance and who expected me to plan it all. Sometimes I remember to do it, but I’m not consistently good at it, and I would feel like a constant disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

OP here: Correction. He SAID he was going to book the hotel last week and I assumed he did, even though it was a two double bed room. He told me today that he went to actually book it and now they are sold out completely.

I'm disappointed because I did the leg work of researching and finding places, sending him the links, and he said he was going to book it and did not, and now we missed out on a great place. How would you handle this? I did make a back-up reservation a few weeks ago, anticipating this might happen, but not sure if I should share that or just let it go.

[Anonymous]

How predictable.

A loser who lies and said he did something when you remind him if something he already should have done. Then proceeds to “forget” to do it again.

Unreliable and untrustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Are you all set to visit your good friend in another city? That should be your backup plan. Not covering for your boyfriend who can’t plan or do much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you all set to visit your good friend in another city? That should be your backup plan. Not covering for your boyfriend who can’t plan or do much.

OP: I do have a friend in NYC that I could visit. How would you say this to him though, if he proposes doing something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

OP: to be fair, he never said he wanted me to book it all. But it's become obvious, because I'm the one who has brought it up twice, and I also said I'm getting anxious that everything will be booked up since it's a holiday weekend just a few weeks away (Columbus Day weekend), and he didn't offer to book anything. I also sent him a few links after our conversation of ideas. So it looks like my choices are to just book it myself, or to wait around and then likely be disappointed that we don't have a hotel reservation anywhere fun.

I’m an extremely spontaneous and avid traveler and reading your post makes me incredibly anxious. It could be you aren’t reading his signals and you’re being overbearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

OP here: Correction. He SAID he was going to book the hotel last week and I assumed he did, even though it was a two double bed room. He told me today that he went to actually book it and now they are sold out completely.

I'm disappointed because I did the leg work of researching and finding places, sending him the links, and he said he was going to book it and did not, and now we missed out on a great place. How would you handle this? I did make a back-up reservation a few weeks ago, anticipating this might happen, but not sure if I should share that or just let it go.

He doesn’t care about you. This isn’t a priority to him. I’d walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you all set to visit your good friend in another city? That should be your backup plan. Not covering for your boyfriend who can’t plan or do much.

OP: I do have a friend in NYC that I could visit. How would you say this to him though, if he proposes doing something else?

Tell him that since the hotel plans fell through, you’ve made other plans, and the two of you can go away some other weekend.

[Anonymous]

You have been with this guy 8 months. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Because it looks like you will do ALL the executive functioning.

I married a man that isn’t a planner. But he definitely would do a lot better than this guy. I do most of the executive functioning, but he does more of the “doing.” But when I tell him something is important to me, he plans it.

Personally, I would break up over this if it happened more than once. If it was the first time, I would have a real heart to heart. It find it disrespectful for someone to mess around with my schedule like this.

[Anonymous]

This is stressful. You're asking him to step up into a role he isn't good at or doesn't have interest in being good at. And now you're in the position where you're trying to manipulate the situation to try and let him feel the "consequences" of his actions. It has a small chance of working, but an even bigger chance of you finding out just how much less of a big deal this is to you than it is to him. I do 100% of the planning and booking because I'm good at it and enjoy it. And this ensures everything is to my liking. If there are times when I don't want to do this, I just say so and leave it be. Or narrow down and get input on the final decisions cause I've done enough. Not be upset if it doesn't get done or get done to my liking. You can keep down the current path of trying to shift a situation/person into what you want it to be but this rarely works out well. I don't have all the answers, but that seems like a poor choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been with this guy 8 months. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Because it looks like you will do ALL the executive functioning.

I married a man that isn’t a planner. But he definitely would do a lot better than this guy. I do most of the executive functioning, but he does more of the “doing.” But when I tell him something is important to me, he plans it.

Personally, I would break up over this if it happened more than once. If it was the first time, I would have a real heart to heart. It find it disrespectful for someone to mess around with my schedule like this.

OP: I don't necessarily want to get married again. We both already have kids. I do feel a bit hurt because I had explained to him weeks ago that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy or had bad intentions. I do feel as someone else said, that this is not a priority to him.