Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is stressful. You're asking him to step up into a role he isn't good at or doesn't have interest in being good at. And now you're in the position where you're trying to manipulate the situation to try and let him feel the "consequences" of his actions. It has a small chance of working, but an even bigger chance of you finding out just how much less of a big deal this is to you than it is to him. I do 100% of the planning and booking because I'm good at it and enjoy it. And this ensures everything is to my liking. If there are times when I don't want to do this, I just say so and leave it be. Or narrow down and get input on the final decisions cause I've done enough. Not be upset if it doesn't get done or get done to my liking. You can keep down the current path of trying to shift a situation/person into what you want it to be but this rarely works out well. I don't have all the answers, but that seems like a poor choice.

Is it because he isn't good at it? Or is it he's putting in low effort into the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Invite a friend to join you at the backup hotel you booked, or cancel the backup hotel and go visit your NYC friend. Announce to your BF that you've made other plans for that weekend and then - this is key - do not change those other plans no matter what he says or does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite a friend to join you at the backup hotel you booked, or cancel the backup hotel and go visit your NYC friend. Announce to your BF that you've made other plans for that weekend and then - this is key - do not change those other plans no matter what he says or does.

"Hey, nevermind about Columbus weekend, I'm going to do XYZ instead." The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite a friend to join you at the backup hotel you booked, or cancel the backup hotel and go visit your NYC friend. Announce to your BF that you've made other plans for that weekend and then - this is key - do not change those other plans no matter what he says or does.

OP: I can do this, and I'm sure he will get it, but then do we just keep dating and not talk about it? I know I'm not going to want to be the cruise director in the relationship long-term...

[Anonymous]

Took a while for me to accept that DH is not a planner. But I also noticed that he doesn’t need to plan like I do. First really started noticing when we were dating and started to talk about going away on trips. I would get nervous and frustrated because I would ask for details and he would say there aren’t any yet. Then he just finally said what are your top five requirements, I listed them and he said those should be given s, stop stressing and let me handle it. He took care of everything a day or two before we left and it was an unbelievable vacation.

My point is there are different paths to the same end goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

OP here: Correction. He SAID he was going to book the hotel last week and I assumed he did, even though it was a two double bed room. He told me today that he went to actually book it and now they are sold out completely.

I'm disappointed because I did the leg work of researching and finding places, sending him the links, and he said he was going to book it and did not, and now we missed out on a great place. How would you handle this? I did make a back-up reservation a few weeks ago, anticipating this might happen, but not sure if I should share that or just let it go.

OP I am getting tired just reading this. Also, if your free time away from your kids is precious to you, wouldn't that include the time you spent on the leg work, the backup reservation, and this thread?

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you're over him and the relationship. I am sure in your position I would feel the same way and would want to maximize my limited "me time" away from my kids. He's either not that into the relationship, or didn't really want to go, or wants to be with a 'cruise director', none of these are that great for you. FWIW, DH is a great planner and a spread sheet guy, which I loved in the first few years when I was overwhelmed with work, but as time went on, it started to annoy me that all our trips were planned to optimize his schedule, hobbies, favorite restaurants, etc. He tried to please me as well, but the planner usually gets their way. Accordingly, over time, this aspect of our relationship have shifted and I probably do more trip planning now, and even farther in advance, just so that I can control more of what happens on our vacations.

[Anonymous]

If you like planning things and taking the reins for all the decision making, then the advantage of being the planner in the relationship is that you get your preferred choices.
Personally I like planning vacations and activities. However the downside is that my husband doesn't plan the kids activities or extracurriculars and it's become a bit overwhelming for me to coordinate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite a friend to join you at the backup hotel you booked, or cancel the backup hotel and go visit your NYC friend. Announce to your BF that you've made other plans for that weekend and then - this is key - do not change those other plans no matter what he says or does.

OP: I can do this, and I'm sure he will get it, but then do we just keep dating and not talk about it? I know I'm not going to want to be the cruise director in the relationship long-term...

Well, when you tell him to forget it and that you’ve made other plans, I don’t think his response is going to be “oh okay, cool.” No, he’s going to ask you to reconsider, promise he’ll book today, etc., and then you can have the conversation about how you got the impression he wasn’t that eager to go away with you, weekends are precious, etc. so you made other plans.

I guess the alternative is you drop the subject altogether and see what he comes up with (accepting that he may do nothing and you’ll have wasted a long weekend). Who knows, maybe it’ll turn out amazing.

Under no circumstances should you go to the hotel you booked (unlimited you go solo or with a friend). If he wants to spend prime time holiday weekends with you he’s gotta put in some effort - if he wanted to he would!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update: he booked the hotel! Unfortunately, they only have rooms left with two double beds at this point (no Kings), but it is something.

Duh.

Fail to plan, Plan to fail.

First come, first served.

Early bird, gets the worm.

Delay long enough and you think decisions are magically made for you. The leftovers.

What a premonition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been with this guy 8 months. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Because it looks like you will do ALL the executive functioning.

I married a man that isn’t a planner. But he definitely would do a lot better than this guy. I do most of the executive functioning, but he does more of the “doing.” But when I tell him something is important to me, he plans it.

Personally, I would break up over this if it happened more than once. If it was the first time, I would have a real heart to heart. It find it disrespectful for someone to mess around with my schedule like this.

OP: I don't necessarily want to get married again. We both already have kids. I do feel a bit hurt because I had explained to him weeks ago that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy or had bad intentions. I do feel as someone else said, that this is not a priority to him.

I would break up with him.

I have little tolerance for childish people, incapable people, and deadweights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is stressful. You're asking him to step up into a role he isn't good at or doesn't have interest in being good at. And now you're in the position where you're trying to manipulate the situation to try and let him feel the "consequences" of his actions. It has a small chance of working, but an even bigger chance of you finding out just how much less of a big deal this is to you than it is to him. I do 100% of the planning and booking because I'm good at it and enjoy it. And this ensures everything is to my liking. If there are times when I don't want to do this, I just say so and leave it be. Or narrow down and get input on the final decisions cause I've done enough. Not be upset if it doesn't get done or get done to my liking. You can keep down the current path of trying to shift a situation/person into what you want it to be but this rarely works out well. I don't have all the answers, but that seems like a poor choice.

Is it because he isn't good at it? Or is it he's putting in low effort into the relationship?

It's definitely just not his thing. Cooking isn't mine, but he loves it so he takes care of meals and packs my lunches. He's also a very neat person and is on top of cleaning, laundry etc often before I even get a chance. We understand we excel in different areas and are ok letting the other person handle that stuff. This may not work for people where an exact 50/50 on everything is important but we're pretty content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been with this guy 8 months. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Because it looks like you will do ALL the executive functioning.

I married a man that isn’t a planner. But he definitely would do a lot better than this guy. I do most of the executive functioning, but he does more of the “doing.” But when I tell him something is important to me, he plans it.

Personally, I would break up over this if it happened more than once. If it was the first time, I would have a real heart to heart. It find it disrespectful for someone to mess around with my schedule like this.

OP: I don't necessarily want to get married again. We both already have kids. I do feel a bit hurt because I had explained to him weeks ago that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. I honestly don't think he's a bad guy or had bad intentions. I do feel as someone else said, that this is not a priority to him.

Same poster. I agree. He doesn’t care about what you are about. You know this now so you have to decide what to do about it.

[Anonymous]

I plan everything in our relationship because I hate crappy hotels, changing planes and trying to figure where we can eat at the last minute. My husband couldn’t care less about those things so instead of insisting that he plan something to my liking, I just do it and he’s fine with whatever I plan. Once I accepted this as a fact of life for us, it’s fine. I check with him on dates and general themes. My only rule is that there is no complaining. If he wants an alternative plan, he needs to tell me at the time I ask him about it or take care of it himself.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a planner, but I just don’t get this. Why would you put in the effort of finding a hotel and sending links instead of just booking what you want? Wouldn’t it be easier to just book it when you are looking at hotels?