Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating my bf for 8 mos and am now realizing that he is not a planner, at all. He suggested we go away for a weekend and I've asked him twice what he wants to do and it's obvious he's just waiting for me to take the reigns and book everything. Do you have this role in your relationship? I'm not sure I like this dynamic.

He says he likes to be "spontaneous". But if you don't book something in advance, you're not going to get your top choices. He says he'll go along with and be
appreciative if I book, but for himself he just likes to go with the flow.

I've never taken on this role before in relationships. Do yo have this dynamic in your relationship? Does it work?

[Anonymous]

Man here. Sometimes I enjoy a well planned get away and sometimes I enjoy just rolling with things and seeing where the path leads. My wife takes a 50lb plus suitcase on a weekend getaway.

[Anonymous]

Every man is a planner. He just isn't that excited about this weekend.

Tell him that you will have a threesome on this trip if he plans everything, including where you are going to go to dinner and where you will meet her/him for drinks. Watch his clipboard and headset materialize from nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every man is a planner. He just isn't that excited about this weekend.

Tell him that you will have a threesome on this trip if he plans everything, including where you are going to go to dinner and where you will meet her/him for drinks. Watch his clipboard and headset materialize from nothing.

op: haha. I don't think every man is a planner, though. He has ADHD and is good at many things, but really does suggest stuff last minute all the time.

[Anonymous]

Being spontaneous isn't about getting your top choices. It is about going with the flow and doing more what comes your way than checking off a list of top choices.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

I can see why it didn't last!

[Anonymous]

That wouldn't work for me.I can be spontaneous but not for everything. We are both planners and it really helps. A non planner boyfriend turns into a non planner husband and father and that's just more work for you. Some enjoy that, some dont.

[Anonymous]

DH is like this. He will not change so you need to figure out if you can deal with it. You can't make anyone a planner just as you can't force someone to be a spontaneous person. You either are or you aren't.

[Anonymous]

Don't plan it. See if the trip happens, and of let does see if you like it. Then reevaluate.

This would be a relationship killer for me, especially if it extends to things like career planning and financial goals. Don't be your partner's parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every man is a planner. He just isn't that excited about this weekend.

That is false. I'm a highly skilled, highly successful, highly paid professional. No ADHD in sight. But when it comes to initiating social planning, I'm almost completely unable to do it, even if I want to do something with the person I'd be socializing with. The instant the planning starts, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. Maybe it's FOMO, maybe something else. I don't know. I can't be the only one who experiences this.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

+1

Maybe spend some time on all the emotional labor/my husband doesn't do his share with the kids/if I didn't make the doctors appointments they wouldn't happen threads on this site. Your story is how they all start!

[Anonymous]

Male here and a weekend away doesn’t really take any planning. For me it would be booking flights Thursday night and Hotrl Friday morning. If a road trip it would be packing before heading to work Friday morning while booking hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

OP: to be fair, he never said he wanted me to book it all. But it's become obvious, because I'm the one who has brought it up twice, and I also said I'm getting anxious that everything will be booked up since it's a holiday weekend just a few weeks away (Columbus Day weekend), and he didn't offer to book anything. I also sent him a few links after our conversation of ideas. So it looks like my choices are to just book it myself, or to wait around and then likely be disappointed that we don't have a hotel reservation anywhere fun.