Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

I can see why it didn't last!

Can you tell me why?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

[Anonymous]

May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

OP: This is kind of what I'm thinking. I secretly made backup reservations at two nice hotels, just so that we/I have something to do that holiday weekend. I may just not bring it up again and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

OP: hmm interesting. I don't know. What I've observed is that the women in his life (ex, sister, mom) pretty much plan everything and just tell him where to be and she shows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

OP: This is kind of what I'm thinking. I secretly made backup reservations at two nice hotels, just so that we/I have something to do that holiday weekend. I may just not bring it up again and see what happens.

See, you have already invested 100x more time and effort than he has! Stop it! Let him experience "spontaneous", which likely means he asks you on a Thursday night to go away for a weekend and you say you can't because of the kids. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How non-planny are we talking about? Like he suggested you go away for the weekend - and now won't commit to a place, a hotel, etc? Or he doesn't want a full itinerary for the weekend?

OP: he says he still wants to time to read the links I sent him a while ago and won't commit to a hotel, and hasn't offered to book it. I explained that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. That's why I don't like taking chances with not booking anything in advance.

I'm TOTALLY fine with not having a full itinerary- I don't like that either. It's just that the not taking any initiative or even pitching in to help plan feels like low effort, instead of "spontaneous".

So when I first read your original post I figured there could be a real benefit to this (if you like planning) in that you can have everything the way you want it and he'd happily go along. But this follow-up, ugh, just no. It's the combo of saying he wants to have input but then refusing to actually get around to it that's poisonous. Maybe try sending him one more note saying, "here's what I'm planning to book, if something doesn't work for you let me know by tomorrow morning otherwise I'll run with it" and see how he reacts? This is probably a really good litmus test at 8 months for your relationship and whether you want to continue partnering with him or find someone who's more fun and less work.

+1

I'd throw this one back in, OP, unless (highly unlikely) he has other amazing skills and attributes. There's a sweet spot between obsessively planning ever minute and detail and winging it. And throw in his weirdly passive-aggressive response, just no. Life is too short for yahoos like this one.

[Anonymous]

Too busy to help plan = too busy to go. Same goes for too lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are ignoring the most important thing about dating. The purpose of dating is to find your best match.

It's not to just keep dating the same person and work exhaustedly to have the relationship continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are ignoring the most important thing about dating. The purpose of dating is to find your best match.

It's not to just keep dating the same person and work exhaustedly to have the relationship continue.

This. Do you want this push-pull routine to be your life?

If he wanted to go, he would look at the links.

[Anonymous]

You should dump this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

+1

Maybe spend some time on all the emotional labor/my husband doesn't do his share with the kids/if I didn't make the doctors appointments they wouldn't happen threads on this site. Your story is how they all start!

+1.

I do all of the above. I kind of did it to myself, probably the same way you are about to do now - husband suggests "we" do something, which really means "I" should pan it and get everything in order. He wants to go camping. I told him to book the place and the kids and I would get ourselves ready. There's about a 99% chance that camping isn't happening.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like your BF, but fortunately, I'm a control freak and plan/coordinate everything happily. If you don't enjoy planning, it probably won't work out and you will be back later complaining about the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How non-planny are we talking about? Like he suggested you go away for the weekend - and now won't commit to a place, a hotel, etc? Or he doesn't want a full itinerary for the weekend?

OP: he says he still wants to time to read the links I sent him a while ago and won't commit to a hotel, and hasn't offered to book it. I explained that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. That's why I don't like taking chances with not booking anything in advance.

I'm TOTALLY fine with not having a full itinerary- I don't like that either. It's just that the not taking any initiative or even pitching in to help plan feels like low effort, instead of "spontaneous".

So when I first read your original post I figured there could be a real benefit to this (if you like planning) in that you can have everything the way you want it and he'd happily go along. But this follow-up, ugh, just no. It's the combo of saying he wants to have input but then refusing to actually get around to it that's poisonous. Maybe try sending him one more note saying, "here's what I'm planning to book, if something doesn't work for you let me know by tomorrow morning otherwise I'll run with it" and see how he reacts? This is probably a really good litmus test at 8 months for your relationship and whether you want to continue partnering with him or find someone who's more fun and less work.

DP. I say take the opposite approach and don't lift a finger. He has been provided with more than enough to plan the weekend away he suggested. If he doesn't follow through then it's a pretty clear sign that you two aren't on the same page, especially in regard to the bolded about why your free time is valuable to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

Go to therapy.