Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. We've been married for 10 years. He's not a man baby. He does a ton of household and kid stuff every day. But he just doesn't seem to feel like planning fun stuff is high in the list of urgency. Mostly, at this point, I do it, because clearly i care more whether we have the plans. The exception is when it's specifically something for his friends or family, then I tell him he has to do it or we just won't go.

[Anonymous]

This is a bad sign OP.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, neither my husband nor I are real "planners". We would both love to just wait until Friday afternoon, decide what we want to do that weekend, and go. But I've faced the reality that with kids involved, that just doesn't work the way it did when we were 23.

What has mostly worked for me is to schedule a planning date. We book it as a dinner out so it doesn't feel like a chore. We both do as much research as we can handle ahead of time. Then we sit down at a restaurant, order a glass of wine, and go through it all. Our only rule is that decisions must get made - no "oh we should look into this other option....". If we can book stuff on our phones at the restaurant, we do. If we can't, we divide it up and promise each other that the reservations will be made within a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

OP: hmm interesting. I don't know. What I've observed is that the women in his life (ex, sister, mom) pretty much plan everything and just tell him where to be and she shows up.

Puke

Feel free to be his mother, secretary and housekeeper, but don’t pretend you’re not.

[Anonymous]

Get out while you can.

[Anonymous]

Red flag. Life requires planning, it is not optional, even if he’s been lazy his whole life and let his mommy do it. Find someone who can functions as an adult or don’t complain that you’re doing more than your fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: he suggested a weekend getaway and also said that he wants you go book it all because he "likes to go with the flow"?

HELL no. Run.

What’s hilarious is that he is stil courting you this early in relationship: this IS him going above and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Im apparently the one woman here who thinks that OP may be overreacting. Columbus Day is 3.5 weeks away. You have plenty of time to figure out the plans for the long weekend, esp since you are travelling without kids so you can be more flexible.

I mean honestly, is the whole point to go away together and have a fun weekend adventure just the two of you, or is the point to go on the best, most planned out, perfect vacation ever?

Let him plan the weekend without your booking “backup hotels”. Whats the worst that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western somewhere and have to wait at the bar for a table a few times? If you really like this guy, that should be good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im apparently the one woman here who thinks that OP may be overreacting. Columbus Day is 3.5 weeks away. You have plenty of time to figure out the plans for the long weekend, esp since you are travelling without kids so you can be more flexible.

I mean honestly, is the whole point to go away together and have a fun weekend adventure just the two of you, or is the point to go on the best, most planned out, perfect vacation ever?

Let him plan the weekend without your booking “backup hotels”. Whats the worst that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western somewhere and have to wait at the bar for a table a few times? If you really like this guy, that should be good enough.

Pp here. I dont mean “good enough” as in “accept what you get” which was not my intention. But it seems to me that you are looking at this weekend differently than he is. For you it seems to be a huge big romantic weekend away, some kind of litmus test for your relationship. Will this be your first time sleeping together or traveling together? Is this why this is such a big deal for you? He wants to spend the weekend together. He told you so and you guys have plans to do so. You dont have kids that weekend, he doesnt have kids that weekend, you both have 3 days off, you have plans to spend the weekend together. That sounds like a fun weekend to me. 3 weeks is plenty of time to figure out which hotel to stay in. Its Columbus Day weekend, its not 4th of July weekend. Its not a huge demand travel weekend. There are plenty of places you can go and find a nice hotel and have a nice romantic weekend.

Seriously, this relationship may work, it may not. Who knows, time will tell. But why is it so important that he book a hotel over 3 weeks before a random Columbus Day weekend trip? Are you planning to try and go to a small town with one hotel that books up months in advance and he is missing the booking window? Do you plan to go to somewhere like French Laundry and have to make arrangements around getting a hard to get reservation? Why cant you just let him plan this weekend the way he wants to? He may not be planning it the way that you would, but give him a chance. It is over three weeks away and you have already deemed him a failure for not over-planning. You havent even left on the trip yet and have already decided that the weekend will fail and/or you are going to bail on him and do something without him if he doesnt plan it your way.

At the end of the day, whats the worst thing that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western?

[Anonymous]

Run OP. Seriously. He’s not respecting you or your time. You’re a single parent, which means you need to plan more than a person without a kid. If he loved you, he’d understand this, and start stepping it up.

[Anonymous]

The boyfriend has earmarked the specific weekend to go away. Why can’t you simply have a wait and see approach? It’s Columbus Day, not New Year’s Eve or your birthday. If he doesn’t organize anything, you can then decide if this is a dealbreaker. I think you are overreacting before you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is like this. He will not change so you need to figure out if you can deal with it. You can't make anyone a planner just as you can't force someone to be a spontaneous person. You either are or you aren't.

+1
My husband is like this. But he also never complains about anything I plan and is appreciative. It works for us. At first it bothered me but I also realize I’m more opinionated and can just plan what I want.

Do you ever feel resentful that you are spending so much time researching, calling, etc. and he just gets to sit back and enjoy what you planned? And what about for your birthday and Valentine's Day- do you also plan those?

I was early in our marriage but I realize I’m also part of the problem in that I’m somewhat picky about accommodations and just care more than he does/like things more planned. The only time I got really pissed was trips I didn’t want to do like visit his mother. I just don’t plan them anymore and they don’t happen and that’s how it is. Also somewhat of a win. But vacations? I didn’t grow up getting to take vacations and feel grateful I get to take them, he makes more $ and has a stressful job so that’s his contribution. He’s enjoyable and fun on the vacations and it works for us.
Valentines and birthdays - yeah i also plan those. Not a huge deal in our house for adult birthdays.
He’s a planner in his career though. He just doesn’t find vacations or social plans at the top of his priorities.

[Anonymous]

If you marry and have kids with this guy, you will grow to resent and hate him. He will be an extra child. I dated a guy like that for 3 years, he also had untreated ADD. Came to my sense and married a responsible planner type. Maybe less exciting but he is currently planning every detail of our big vacation next April. He was sharing flight pricing with me last night!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im apparently the one woman here who thinks that OP may be overreacting. Columbus Day is 3.5 weeks away. You have plenty of time to figure out the plans for the long weekend, esp since you are travelling without kids so you can be more flexible.

I mean honestly, is the whole point to go away together and have a fun weekend adventure just the two of you, or is the point to go on the best, most planned out, perfect vacation ever?

Let him plan the weekend without your booking “backup hotels”. Whats the worst that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western somewhere and have to wait at the bar for a table a few times? If you really like this guy, that should be good enough.

Pp here. I dont mean “good enough” as in “accept what you get” which was not my intention. But it seems to me that you are looking at this weekend differently than he is. For you it seems to be a huge big romantic weekend away, some kind of litmus test for your relationship. Will this be your first time sleeping together or traveling together? Is this why this is such a big deal for you? He wants to spend the weekend together. He told you so and you guys have plans to do so. You dont have kids that weekend, he doesnt have kids that weekend, you both have 3 days off, you have plans to spend the weekend together. That sounds like a fun weekend to me. 3 weeks is plenty of time to figure out which hotel to stay in. Its Columbus Day weekend, its not 4th of July weekend. Its not a huge demand travel weekend. There are plenty of places you can go and find a nice hotel and have a nice romantic weekend.

Seriously, this relationship may work, it may not. Who knows, time will tell. But why is it so important that he book a hotel over 3 weeks before a random Columbus Day weekend trip? Are you planning to try and go to a small town with one hotel that books up months in advance and he is missing the booking window? Do you plan to go to somewhere like French Laundry and have to make arrangements around getting a hard to get reservation? Why cant you just let him plan this weekend the way he wants to? He may not be planning it the way that you would, but give him a chance. It is over three weeks away and you have already deemed him a failure for not over-planning. You havent even left on the trip yet and have already decided that the weekend will fail and/or you are going to bail on him and do something without him if he doesnt plan it your way.

At the end of the day, whats the worst thing that will happen? You spend 2 nights in a best western?

Spending 2 nights in a best western would not be enjoyable, especially if you have limited time away from kids to be able to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

I can see why it didn't last!

Not me! I love a man who can plan! It means I do not have to.