How to drop the rope re mental load?

[Anonymous]

My cousin married her college sweetheart and they divorced 10 years later. She said same thing as you, what was quirky at 21 was incompatible with a marriage later. I am very sorry for your stress!

[Anonymous]

I don't understnd why folks are het up about this.

In a well managed house there are only a few places DD's shirts will be in the first place. They are

1) in her room hanging up/in the drawers.
2) they are in the hamper
3) they are in the laundry currently being washed/dried
4) they are being folded and put away as we speak.

But there are instances when you may ask, such as if you looking for a specific shirt. Such as if DD has no school uniform shirts hanging in her closet and it is Tuesday Morning!! Did they just get washed??!!!??? Reasonable concern before school. If you aren't the laundry person you might not know where things are in the cycle of dirty/clean.

I also don't understand the milk question. Is somebody making a grocery list or thinking about making a cake? Then it is a legit question. "I think so" or "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" are reasonable answers. Why else would you ask somebody else who is sitting elsewhere in the house if there is milk? I suppose if you reallllllly want to drink a glass of milk? Then ask "Honey bunny can you please get me a glass of milk? Thank you."

Ignoring the school email I totally get. Who wants to read that stuff? Not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understnd why folks are het up about this.

In a well managed house there are only a few places DD's shirts will be in the first place. They are

1) in her room hanging up/in the drawers.
2) they are in the hamper
3) they are in the laundry currently being washed/dried
4) they are being folded and put away as we speak.

But there are instances when you may ask, such as if you looking for a specific shirt. Such as if DD has no school uniform shirts hanging in her closet and it is Tuesday Morning!! Did they just get washed??!!!??? Reasonable concern before school. If you aren't the laundry person you might not know where things are in the cycle of dirty/clean.

I also don't understand the milk question. Is somebody making a grocery list or thinking about making a cake? Then it is a legit question. "I think so" or "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" are reasonable answers. Why else would you ask somebody else who is sitting elsewhere in the house if there is milk? I suppose if you reallllllly want to drink a glass of milk? Then ask "Honey bunny can you please get me a glass of milk? Thank you."

Ignoring the school email I totally get. Who wants to read that stuff? Not me.

Op here. I’m talking about dh Standing in kitchen, I’m in another room. He shouts asking me if there’s milk in fridge, food for kids to eat etc
Literaly standing in front of the freaking fridge.

Kids shirts are in drawer. They’ve always been in the drawer. We’ve lived in the house for 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

This is it. It’s never about the milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

This is it. It’s never about the milk.

Yup women always bury the lede

With guys you need to be direct

I'd want my wife to say along the lines of hey let's talk about something. When you ask about x when you are standing right by something it makes me feel belittled, undervalued whatever. Can you see that? What are you going through in that situation?

P.S. Reflective Listening sounds cheesy but it saved our marriage

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-couple-healed-their-dysfunctional-marriage-through-active-listening-ncna101429

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understnd why folks are het up about this.

In a well managed house there are only a few places DD's shirts will be in the first place. They are

1) in her room hanging up/in the drawers.
2) they are in the hamper
3) they are in the laundry currently being washed/dried
4) they are being folded and put away as we speak.

But there are instances when you may ask, such as if you looking for a specific shirt. Such as if DD has no school uniform shirts hanging in her closet and it is Tuesday Morning!! Did they just get washed??!!!??? Reasonable concern before school. If you aren't the laundry person you might not know where things are in the cycle of dirty/clean.

I also don't understand the milk question. Is somebody making a grocery list or thinking about making a cake? Then it is a legit question. "I think so" or "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" are reasonable answers. Why else would you ask somebody else who is sitting elsewhere in the house if there is milk? I suppose if you reallllllly want to drink a glass of milk? Then ask "Honey bunny can you please get me a glass of milk? Thank you."

Ignoring the school email I totally get. Who wants to read that stuff? Not me.

Op here. I’m talking about dh Standing in kitchen, I’m in another room. He shouts asking me if there’s milk in fridge, food for kids to eat etc
Literaly standing in front of the freaking fridge.

Kids shirts are in drawer. They’ve always been in the drawer. We’ve lived in the house for 3 years.

So, still, you then have the opportunity to suggest to hiim that he open the fridge and take a look. "I don't know, why don't you look in the fridge?" "We have food for the kids if you make it" "Don't give the kids the cake I made for Charlie's birthday, but everything else if free game!"

As to DD's shirts, you ask "are they not in her drawer where I put them?"

What have you been respondig up til now? Why are you snapping now?

[Anonymous]

"I don't know, I'm on the couch and you are in the kitchen! Go look in the fridge!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

This was my mother. My dad was quite narcissistic, drank too much, and verbally abused her. Instead of dealing with that, she would lose her mind when he left the lid off the jelly jar or some other silly thing. That allowed him to say “see, you are the problem and the crazy one.” I wished the would divorce. Instead she dropped dead at 66 and never was really happy. It was a terrible model for her three daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

This is it. It’s never about the milk.

Yup women always bury the lede

With guys you need to be direct

I'd want my wife to say along the lines of hey let's talk about something. When you ask about x when you are standing right by something it makes me feel belittled, undervalued whatever. Can you see that? What are you going through in that situation?

P.S. Reflective Listening sounds cheesy but it saved our marriage

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-couple-healed-their-dysfunctional-marriage-through-active-listening-ncna101429

I thought I expressed how it makes me feel when we talked about it later. I'll bring it up again at some point and use those specific words. Will also read the link= thank you.