How to drop the rope re mental load?
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Anonymous
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Desperate for suggestions, please!! I’m sick of it!! Husband will ask where are dd’s shirts instead of walking into room to figure it out. What did the email from school say instead of reading it. What time did she wake up from nap instead of looking on the camera app. Is there milk in the fridge instead of using your functioning legs to walk to the fridge and look.
I AM TIRED. I work full time. I need a same level playing field partner who takes initiative and has basic decency to try to look around and see what needs to get done, vs someone who is like my college intern, expecting me to be the manager and repository of all. I set up this dynamic for too long and it’s time for a change. How do you recommend to handle some of the above examples? |
Anonymous
| What happens when you say, I don’t know, can you check? Keep repeating and don’t provide the info. |
Anonymous
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Start practicing non combative responses.
Where are dd's shirts - in the top drawer (do not get up and show) What did the email say - I did not get around to reading it yet. Tips - put his name 1st on the school / daycare contact forms. School directory etc. |
Anonymous
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DH asks me the same type questions and my standard response is, “I don’t know.” That makes him have to look himself. After awhile, he’ll start looking without asking you.
For the email, also ask him if he can read to and let you know what it says. He needs some ownership in your family and the events happening in it. |
Anonymous
| Another hack - My DH is point on everything teeth. I am point on everything medical. It takes some of the load off |
Anonymous
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Get in front of asking -
Hey - I saw there was an email from daycare. Anything I need to know from it? |
Anonymous
| Staring, spaced outlook without any emotions or talking but clearly showing you heard what he asked is the key! |
Anonymous
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I highly recommend divide and conquer. Sounds like your kids are little but we divided activities - DH was totally in charge of soccer - he signs up the kids, he gets the emails, he figures out driving (even if its me doing it, he told me - 8:00 at that field or whatever) and gets the kids their cleats and jerseys or whatever.
I had other activities - that way we aren't doing double work and everyone knows what to do. It really works well. DH even ended up being in charge of setting up playdates with kids from soccer since he was the one that knew everyone. I have always been in charge of school (forms, emails, calendar) and no reason for both of us to do everything. If you both do everything, you'll be exhuasted. |
Anonymous
m “But didn’t you buy groceries? But didn’t you make dinner last night? Don’t you know what’s in the fridge/pantry/cupboard?” |
Anonymous
Catch 22 to making him the contact person- not sure I’m confident for him to read the emails/handle the calls etc |
Anonymous
DH will come here soon and post "how do I handle the mental load of not being allowed to ask my wife simple questions without her flying into a rage and screaming that she is tired"? 
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Anonymous
+30000 if at all possible don’t let him even list your number. So many places will call mom no matter who is the primary. If my husband knows I am taking care of something he will not |
Anonymous
You have to give him stuff you can let go off. My DH is 100 percent in charge of everything lawn related or outdoors. I just let it go if it looks bad because I have other priorities. Same for dental- they usually make you schedule the next appointment before you leave and if it’s 7 months instead of 6, whatever. My husband also does eye doctor; same thing there it’s routine and not super urgent. I handle all other medical stuff including mental health support one kid needs. I would definitely micromanage him on that because I get very stressed out about it. In general the more routine things are best to assign to the less organized parent. |
Anonymous
With all that said I do read/manage all the school emails. But I definitely resent it less when he has other things he is 100 percent responsible for |
Anonymous
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Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.
I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye |