How to drop the rope re mental load?

[Anonymous]

+1 to ^^ PP. I always ask, “Where have you looked?” If they have looked in 5 places, I throw out some options. If they haven’t looked anywhere, they get the stink eye.

[Anonymous]

Q: Where are dd’s shirts?
A: Where they always are.
Q: Do we have milk?
A: I’m not sure, did you check the fridge?
Q: What did the email from school say?
A: I haven’t had a chance to check my email yet. You should go read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

It's true. NP

[Anonymous]

You sound burnt out. I would start there. Tell him you need time off to recharge. Let him take care of more kid stuff on the weekend while you go off and do your thing. Unplug from the constant round of answering to other people’s needs. Men are very good at this sort of thing. Notice how many times they answer “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” or “I haven’t gotten to it yet.”

I have just explained the same re: burnout to my husband. There is a learning curve — the first day I got about six emails and texts similar to what you describe, down to “is X in the fridge?” I basically told him that’s not a break and I expect him to ask me about urgent/important things that ONLY I can answer. We are about a week in and I only had one message today, which was appropriate (as in not answerable by others) so there is hope.

No advice on the cleaning. I am letting H do everything else while I recover from burnout but there’s no way he would ever tidy, declutter, or organize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking where stuff is honestly doesn’t sound too bad “in the bottom drawer!” Or “I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

If I asked my husband if we had onions and he told me to “look yourself” I’d be pissed.

That’s why I don’t think OP should handle this as a discussion about the rightness/ wrongness of said behavior. This is about her needs. She needs a break. She should take her space and explain to him how he can support her.

[Anonymous]

“Where are dds shirts”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because she spilled milk/needs an extra for daycare”

“Yes but *why* do you *ask*?”

If your husband is remotely self aware this will do it. You may need to repeat it on a few different subjects. I have also found a pause after “what did the baby sitter say about ____” gives time to self correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

I think you have to try to stop viewing it that way. There are lots of other reasons he might be acting this way, including the possibility that so far this has been the dynamic and he thinks you’re basically fine with it.

What makes people respect you is boundaries. You have to stop hoping he will change just because you ask him to or because it bothers you. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action. And give him some grace, this will take time to change.

+1 you need to work on setting boundaries OP. Your husband needs to work on stuff too, but you can’t control him, so work on yourself first. Responding with snarkiness or anger will not improve the situation. You need to have a calm convo with DH about what is going on, and how these questions are sometimes triggering your anger since you feel you are responsible for a disproportionate amount of work running the family. Acknowledge that you should have brought this problem up sooner instead of letting it fester. Before you discuss this, I would write down all the routine aspects of running a household (lawn, house repairs, trash, cars, heath appointments, etc etc) and who is doing those tasks now. It could be your husband is doing more than your realize. Maybe not. Once you have a clear picture, set up a meeting with DH to discuss family tasks and agree on who is responsible for what. If he’s not willing to do this, even when you’ve approached the situation very rationally and without anger, that tells you a lot about who he is.

I did this a few months ago. Wrote down everything I handle. Asked him to write down everything he handles. We compared. My list was probably 8x his. After he saw my list- he then came back and started ADDING and padding things that either were one time items (managed ds circumcision care) or Things that are honest to god made up (making sure internet/Hulu is working and set up)

His response to seeing how little he does was to be defensive and petty.
As I write this, I hear him saying to dd “tell mommy you need to potty so she can take you.”

Uhh no. You’re sitting with her. TAKE HER. Don’t just pawn everything on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Gaslighting, awesome. Misogyny, awesome. Flip the script…if the q is so simple and harmless, why doesn’t the other person figure it out or TRY to figure it out? Or are you saying it’s a woman’s responsibility to manage and be aware of all, and the man doesn’t have a responsibility to know and act on basic goings on of the home?

If you are a mature adult and psychologically stable, you don't regard questions from family members as burdensome or as the family member shirking their responsibility to "know stuff". Nor do you respond with any of the pissy, sarcastic suggestions in this thread - "where you left it / I don't know / look yourself / where'd you look / where they always are" etc etc. You're a grown up, don't act like a snarky teenager, just answer the question and forget about it.

The real problem here is not anything the OP's husband is doing but her hostility to him and determination to make a mountain out of a molehill. Is this guy drunkenly beating her? No he is asking possibly thoughtless questions fer chrissake. This is no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Gaslighting, awesome. Misogyny, awesome. Flip the script…if the q is so simple and harmless, why doesn’t the other person figure it out or TRY to figure it out? Or are you saying it’s a woman’s responsibility to manage and be aware of all, and the man doesn’t have a responsibility to know and act on basic goings on of the home?

If you are a mature adult and psychologically stable, you don't regard questions from family members as burdensome or as the family member shirking their responsibility to "know stuff". Nor do you respond with any of the pissy, sarcastic suggestions in this thread - "where you left it / I don't know / look yourself / where'd you look / where they always are" etc etc. You're a grown up, don't act like a snarky teenager, just answer the question and forget about it.

The real problem here is not anything the OP's husband is doing but her hostility to him and determination to make a mountain out of a molehill. Is this guy drunkenly beating her? No he is asking possibly thoughtless questions fer chrissake. This is no big deal.

So any behavior short of beating a spouse in drunken rage is no big deal. Got it, dude. 👍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Q: Where are dd’s shirts?
A: Where they always are.
Q: Do we have milk?
A: I’m not sure, did you check the fridge?
Q: What did the email from school say?
A: I haven’t had a chance to check my email yet. You should go read it.

Why would you just not answer the question. Why start a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Q: Where are dd’s shirts?
A: Where they always are.
Q: Do we have milk?
A: I’m not sure, did you check the fridge?
Q: What did the email from school say?
A: I haven’t had a chance to check my email yet. You should go read it.

Why would you just not answer the question. Why start a fight.

Narcissistic behavior in terms of overrating the chores they do and underrating the chores their partner does. Many such cases.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree that these are pretty normal things to ask in the course of the day. I would ask the deeper questions of why these questions bug you so much. Is it:

1). He never does ANYthing at all around the house, and these questions grate on you?

2). He acts like you are irresponsible and can only be tasked with these meaningless things that are below his level of importance?

3). Your standards are much too high and no one could live up to them?

Thee is something else going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Rude. It’s not fragile to want your grown ass spouse to act like a grown up and not be lazy. Raising little humans is hard enough without having your husband add to the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree that these are pretty normal things to ask in the course of the day. I would ask the deeper questions of why these questions bug you so much. Is it:

1). He never does ANYthing at all around the house, and these questions grate on you?

2). He acts like you are irresponsible and can only be tasked with these meaningless things that are below his level of importance?

3). Your standards are much too high and no one could live up to them?

Thee is something else going on here.

He doesn’t do crap around house unless I hound him. He acts like his time is precious and mine is not important.