How to drop the rope re mental load?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you say, I don’t know, can you check? Keep repeating and don’t provide the info.

Yep. This is what I’ve done from the beginning and he quickly got the picture that he should be as capable as me at answering these questions. I imagine it might take awhile to stick if you’re years into a different pattern, but it really is this simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you say, I don’t know, can you check? Keep repeating and don’t provide the info.

I have the same type of husband and when I do this he accuses me of being hostile. He knows what he's doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Well gee you don't seem to care at all whether your kid's lives are better if their mom and dad stay together or whether they will suffer any stress if you split up.

No doubt you'll talk yourself into believing "they'll be fine" though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you say, I don’t know, can you check? Keep repeating and don’t provide the info.

I have the same type of husband and when I do this he accuses me of being hostile. He knows what he's doing

You are being hostile. You know what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

You need to have an actual conversation and explain the problem

Some of the passive aggressiveness talked about on here won't get you anywhere

Take it from me, as a guy we are dense.

Now if after the conversation, your husband still refuses to figure things out then you have an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you say, I don’t know, can you check? Keep repeating and don’t provide the info.

I have the same type of husband and when I do this he accuses me of being hostile. He knows what he's doing

Yes, when I brought this up to him he said I was being unnecessarily hostile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Well gee you don't seem to care at all whether your kid's lives are better if their mom and dad stay together or whether they will suffer any stress if you split up.

No doubt you'll talk yourself into believing "they'll be fine" though.

Why the f do you think I haven’t left? Precisely bc of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an actual conversation and explain the problem

Some of the passive aggressiveness talked about on here won't get you anywhere

Take it from me, as a guy we are dense.

Now if after the conversation, your husband still refuses to figure things out then you have an issue.

As a guy, can you pls share your view on how to frame the convo? I’d be grateful..

[Anonymous]

Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

[Anonymous]

Good grief, stop feminizing your husband. Let him be a man who doesnt know to cut kids' nails. Im sure he can find studs in the wall to hang a picture, teach the kids how to change a tire and just be a source of strength and love to your kids that a mother isnt (we love differently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.