How to drop the rope re mental load?

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get this and I know it’s not the questions itself it’s the expectation that you know or should know the status of every item in the house. Where is this? Do we have this? Why do I have to be the one who knows it all off the top of my head? It’s totally frustrating. You have to be a team or it doesn’t work. But I would say try to approach it with more kindness than “I don’t know” and have a conversation about how you would like things to be. He probably has no clue he’s pissing you off.

What has worked for my husband is for the kids Dr and dentist appointments and many of their sports/activities, I do the scheduling, fill out the forms and sign ups and purchase the uniforms or whatever … and then he gets to do the transporting. He has a more flexible schedule and time off at work than I do (he is a fed) so he can take DD to her eye doctor visit at 3, or take DS to his peewee hockey at 5. That’s not to say I never do these things, but we’ve fallen into a routine where he does the majority.
He also does most of the cooking and outdoor stuff, while I handle shopping (Costco, groceries, kids clothes), deal with household service appointments (pest guy, cleaners), laundry, most of the bill paying, and organizing. It has taken us a long time to find a good rhythm and it’s not perfect, but it has helped a lot with the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Rude. It’s not fragile to want your grown ass spouse to act like a grown up and not be lazy. Raising little humans is hard enough without having your husband add to the load.

This exactly. I cannot think of what he adds to my life.
- I make more money and have for the last 5 years
- he doesn’t do housework unless I hound him
-he dials it in re kids, unless it’s fun frivolous stuff. Then he goes balls to the wall
- when he’s gone on travel I feel busy but stress-free, relieved, and alive.
- I don’t need him for money, emotional fullfillment, s*x is nonexistent

I just don’t think I can blow up my kids lives for my unhappiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree that these are pretty normal things to ask in the course of the day. I would ask the deeper questions of why these questions bug you so much. Is it:

1). He never does ANYthing at all around the house, and these questions grate on you?

2). He acts like you are irresponsible and can only be tasked with these meaningless things that are below his level of importance?

3). Your standards are much too high and no one could live up to them?

Thee is something else going on here.

He doesn’t do crap around house unless I hound him. He acts like his time is precious and mine is not important.

I would say that this is the issue in your marriage. If he is overall dismissive of you and doesn’t take you seriously, then you should probably focus on that. That’s what’s going to ruin your marriage and your family. The fact that he doesn’t know where the shirts are is a straw man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking where stuff is honestly doesn’t sound too bad “in the bottom drawer!” Or “I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

If I asked my husband if we had onions and he told me to “look yourself” I’d be pissed.

Why? Do you not have functioning legs and arms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

It's true. NP

No, it’s not true. It’s absurd. “Narcissist” is a very specific, uncommon diagnosis and words have meanings. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

I think you have to try to stop viewing it that way. There are lots of other reasons he might be acting this way, including the possibility that so far this has been the dynamic and he thinks you’re basically fine with it.

What makes people respect you is boundaries. You have to stop hoping he will change just because you ask him to or because it bothers you. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action. And give him some grace, this will take time to change.

+1 you need to work on setting boundaries OP. Your husband needs to work on stuff too, but you can’t control him, so work on yourself first. Responding with snarkiness or anger will not improve the situation. You need to have a calm convo with DH about what is going on, and how these questions are sometimes triggering your anger since you feel you are responsible for a disproportionate amount of work running the family. Acknowledge that you should have brought this problem up sooner instead of letting it fester. Before you discuss this, I would write down all the routine aspects of running a household (lawn, house repairs, trash, cars, heath appointments, etc etc) and who is doing those tasks now. It could be your husband is doing more than your realize. Maybe not. Once you have a clear picture, set up a meeting with DH to discuss family tasks and agree on who is responsible for what. If he’s not willing to do this, even when you’ve approached the situation very rationally and without anger, that tells you a lot about who he is.

I did this a few months ago. Wrote down everything I handle. Asked him to write down everything he handles. We compared. My list was probably 8x his. After he saw my list- he then came back and started ADDING and padding things that either were one time items (managed ds circumcision care) or Things that are honest to god made up (making sure internet/Hulu is working and set up)

His response to seeing how little he does was to be defensive and petty.
As I write this, I hear him saying to dd “tell mommy you need to potty so she can take you.”

Uhh no. You’re sitting with her. TAKE HER. Don’t just pawn everything on me.

Sort the list by frequency. Separate things that are daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and one time/infrequent and make sure each of you have a commensurate number of each. But it sounds like he’s already on the defensive and you’re obviously annoyed. I think you need an arbiter. Try marriage counseling, and be willing to work on your own anger and boundaries. If counseling doesn’t get you anywhere as a couple, personally I’d start making an exit strategy, especially since you make your own money. Life is too short to live it feeling trapped for 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

It's true. NP

No, it’s not true. It’s absurd. “Narcissist” is a very specific, uncommon diagnosis and words have meanings. NP.

Fine. They’re exhibiting narcissistic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

It's true. NP

No, it’s not true. It’s absurd. “Narcissist” is a very specific, uncommon diagnosis and words have meanings. NP.

Fine. They’re exhibiting narcissistic behavior.

So what is the diagnosis on the spouse who can’t perform basic adult functions?

[Anonymous]

Curious. What was the dynamic before kids? You both divided up grocery shopping, cooking and other chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious. What was the dynamic before kids? You both divided up grocery shopping, cooking and other chores?

DP. We didn’t really grocery shop and cook before kids. We would stop at the store and pick up something, and one of the other of us would cook if we felt like it, but it wasn’t the chore that it was after kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asking where stuff is honestly doesn’t sound too bad “in the bottom drawer!” Or “I don’t know I didn’t read it.”

If I asked my husband if we had onions and he told me to “look yourself” I’d be pissed.

Why? Do you not have functioning legs and arms?

I meant if he knew the answer. “I don’t know” is a fine answer and it sounds like op should employ it more.

[Anonymous]

This would not be triggering in our house because we have a division of labor where I manage calendar/appts/camps and DH is in charge of the kitchen/cooking/lunch. So he can ask/text - when is pick up / where is the birthday party etc and I’ll text things like do we need milk/onions. It depends on the context in this house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Gaslighting, awesome. Misogyny, awesome. Flip the script…if the q is so simple and harmless, why doesn’t the other person figure it out or TRY to figure it out? Or are you saying it’s a woman’s responsibility to manage and be aware of all, and the man doesn’t have a responsibility to know and act on basic goings on of the home?

If you are a mature adult and psychologically stable, you don't regard questions from family members as burdensome or as the family member shirking their responsibility to "know stuff". Nor do you respond with any of the pissy, sarcastic suggestions in this thread - "where you left it / I don't know / look yourself / where'd you look / where they always are" etc etc. You're a grown up, don't act like a snarky teenager, just answer the question and forget about it.

The real problem here is not anything the OP's husband is doing but her hostility to him and determination to make a mountain out of a molehill. Is this guy drunkenly beating her? No he is asking possibly thoughtless questions fer chrissake. This is no big deal.

How do I know you are a fan of that dude from Ohio- the one who said remember when families use to stick together. whats a little domestic violence. HE is stressed with all of the earning (except wife earns or out earns him statistically) burden, the pregnancies/birth/childrearing (oh wait two of those he doesnt do and again, statistically even WOHM do more childrearing and spend more hours with their children compared to SAHM decades prior), etc.

If you heard a kid ask their parents where the milk was you would come on here and talk about how passive and permissive those parents are. Tell that kid to find it himself! Stop acting like adult men are less capable then small children. Discussing what to do for the day or how to manage conflicting priorities is a reasonable conversation- where the milk is or do we have cereal or where is DDs favorite pink shirt are basic items a mature adult who is psychologically stable should be able to handle... solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I view it as you being so fundamentally fragile that simple and harmless questions are breaking you.

LMAO at all the DCUM women who claim to be Strong and Independent and also "OMG he asked if we have milk such questions impose a punishing emotional load I am exhausted and can't take it any more!"

Rude. It’s not fragile to want your grown ass spouse to act like a grown up and not be lazy. Raising little humans is hard enough without having your husband add to the load.

This exactly. I cannot think of what he adds to my life.
- I make more money and have for the last 5 years
- he doesn’t do housework unless I hound him
-he dials it in re kids, unless it’s fun frivolous stuff. Then he goes balls to the wall
- when he’s gone on travel I feel busy but stress-free, relieved, and alive.
- I don’t need him for money, emotional fullfillment, s*x is nonexistent

I just don’t think I can blow up my kids lives for my unhappiness

It might be too late for this, but try the book How Not to Hate your husband after you have kids. Despite the self help title, it was really helpful to me. And DH, though he hasn’t read so he doesn’t know why we have been happier lately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person that thinks they carry the mental load is almost a narcissist who only considers the things they do and the things their partner does never register.

The things they do are important. The things their partner does are not or "I would do it but I just let them handle."

Narcissist?
Please stop. You’re adding nothing to this discussion.

It's true. NP

No, it’s not true. It’s absurd. “Narcissist” is a very specific, uncommon diagnosis and words have meanings. NP.

Fine. They’re exhibiting narcissistic behavior.

So what is the diagnosis on the spouse who can’t perform basic adult functions?

they’re doing other functions the other spouse refuses to acknowledge carry the same weight through a constant campaign of gaslighting. And not complaining when they’re asked questions on their own expertise.