Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol @ the one, lonely bitter woman taking the mom's side in this thread. Who hurt you?

I'm neither lonely nor bitter. I live with my husband who is an excellent, actual father. I just think it's hilarious how a "dad" who's done exactly the legal minimum can claim to be aggrieved and get automatic "yeah women are always alienating kids" comments. Alienate from what? He lived on another continent. And his complaint isn't that he doesn't see his daughter enough, or know her better, it's that *she* doesn't call *him* on his birthday. Who hurt you to have such low expectations of men?

OP here I offered to have her live with and to go to high school here. Her mother would not allow it. All visits were surprised. When my daughter came here the mom came too with her brother. I flew multiple times a year.
The mom said in her recent email all troubles started when k remarried and had my daughter. This is not true not fair to blame a baby. I have multiple emails dating back to 2004. Some where she said my daughter doesn't want to speak to me as no Christmas gift arrived on time. Or child support wasn't the amount she wanted. I'm sorry big which 10 year old asks for pay stubs??

Not having a gift arrive on time is important to children. They're childish. You blame the MOM for that? Because she was the one explaining it to you in an email? Also, your offer to uproot her and have her attend high school in the US, do you really think a teenager would want to do that? You sound totally unrealistic and willing to blame all of your problems on the mom.

My cousin's *mother* is much like Op has described. Took my uncle for every penny she could, while willingly raising the kids in another country. His story is very similar to OP's.

Op, at 24 my cousin reconnected with my uncle. They don't have a father-daughter relationship,but they do have a relationship.

Your daughter has been raised to see you as a bank account. Make court ordered payments to her directly. Pay according to your court order. If you don't have one, get one.

Also, let your daughter know that you will be there when she's ready.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

I'm sure at times it was hard. When my daughter turned 3 my ex was already in a new relationship and had another daughter. That relationship didn't last. I paid for my daughter to go to private school and I paid for hort ( after care facility)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol @ the one, lonely bitter woman taking the mom's side in this thread. Who hurt you?

I'm neither lonely nor bitter. I live with my husband who is an excellent, actual father. I just think it's hilarious how a "dad" who's done exactly the legal minimum can claim to be aggrieved and get automatic "yeah women are always alienating kids" comments. Alienate from what? He lived on another continent. And his complaint isn't that he doesn't see his daughter enough, or know her better, it's that *she* doesn't call *him* on his birthday. Who hurt you to have such low expectations of men?

OP here I offered to have her live with and to go to high school here. Her mother would not allow it. All visits were surprised. When my daughter came here the mom came too with her brother. I flew multiple times a year.
The mom said in her recent email all troubles started when k remarried and had my daughter. This is not true not fair to blame a baby. I have multiple emails dating back to 2004. Some where she said my daughter doesn't want to speak to me as no Christmas gift arrived on time. Or child support wasn't the amount she wanted. I'm sorry big which 10 year old asks for pay stubs??

Way too much detail. Dude. You messed up by being young and stupid and not wearing protection…in another country. Big mistake. Oh well. Just move on. Keep in touch and maybe DD will reach out more on her own as she becomes an independent adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

I'm sure at times it was hard. When my daughter turned 3 my ex was already in a new relationship and had another daughter. That relationship didn't last. I paid for my daughter to go to private school and I paid for hort ( after care facility)

Seems like she has a career in collecting child support checks. Should have worn protection. Your ex is cray crag and you are stupid trapped by a foreigner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

Well that's the entire point of child support. Despite what many men on this thread and elsewhere seem to think, the money is to support their child, who is being cared for by someone else, usually the mother. You are not doing the mother some big favor by sending her a check. Also child support does not even BEGIN to cover half of the actual cost of raising a child. Nice try, guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

Well that's the entire point of child support. Despite what many men on this thread and elsewhere seem to think, the money is to support their child, who is being cared for by someone else, usually the mother. You are not doing the mother some big favor by sending her a check. Also child support does not even BEGIN to cover half of the actual cost of raising a child. Nice try, guys.

Get a job

[Anonymous]

I think cutting her off for not giving you enough attention is sending a bad message...that your financial support is contingent on her showing affection and/or that you think you should be able to "buy" her feelings.

She is 18, still so young. She will likely come around in her 20s and see that you were a good dad who tried your best and that her mom unfairly made you out to be a villain. Don't give the mom ammunition by trying to wield your money as a weapon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

Agreed. My teens are good kids, but they remember my birthday largely because my spouse (their other parent) reminds them of the fact and helps organize the celebration. Same for mothers' day/fathers' day.

If you want to get to know your young adult child better, spend time with them. Call them. Write them. Tell them about your life. Invite them to spend time with you, and understand if they're too busy or uninterested because they've got other stuff going on in their life.

When I was 18, I had over 6000 days of being with my parents to build up a solid relationship, and I was still an immature jerk to them at times. I'm guessing you need more quality time together (in person or virtually) to develop a relationship before you start chiding her for not being attentive enough.

OP here I did exactly this multiple times a week. When she was younger mom should say she doesn't want to Skype me. I will call and call even bought an I pad to make it easy.
As she got older I was only allowed to call tbe house phone. The schedule was set by mom ( Sunday mornings only)
I flew 3 or 4 times a year. Even then dates were given last minute and always on their schedule which I respected. I tried to plan activities like theme parks etc. Everytime I've gone she will spend a few hours with me then is busy with friends. She will only want to go shopping etc
I eventually started to communicate with her on what's app. She wouldn't answer calls so we stuck to typing. I message multiple times. Messages are read as they turn blue but she will not reply for days. In order to keep the peace I tried to just go along with the demands but it's enough. The mom didn't want me to have custody so I lost all rights what can I do? I fought it. When I asked for her to spend summers here she refused as she wouldn't get child support for the overnights my daughter was with me.
I try and speak about my day, ask her about hers. I get one word replies.

Honestly most of this stuff sounds pretty typical for a teenager. Lots of custodial parents get one-word answers to their texts or get left on read. Their teens would rather hang out with their friends than their parent, too. I think your expectations are a little high under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

OP, yes, you’re no more than an ATM to them. She’s 18 you owe them nothing anymore. Move on and when your daughter decide not to behave not like a brat and be more considerate you can open yourself up to have a relationship. They’ve controlled the situation for far too long. Focus on your 3 year old daughter.

Question: as a custodial mom, am I also allowed to "move on" from my teen daughter when she acts like a brat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think cutting her off for not giving you enough attention is sending a bad message...that your financial support is contingent on her showing affection and/or that you think you should be able to "buy" her feelings.

She is 18, still so young. She will likely come around in her 20s and see that you were a good dad who tried your best and that her mom unfairly made you out to be a villain. Don't give the mom ammunition by trying to wield your money as a weapon

Where are you seeing evidence of this? There is nothing parental or loving about any of the sentiments expressed by the OP. All he talks about is money. He doesn't even miss his DD. He blames his ex for his DD's feelings towards him instead of taking any responsibility. Where do you read the mom has unfairly made him out to be a villain? Literally, where?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

OP, yes, you’re no more than an ATM to them. She’s 18 you owe them nothing anymore. Move on and when your daughter decide not to behave not like a brat and be more considerate you can open yourself up to have a relationship. They’ve controlled the situation for far too long. Focus on your 3 year old daughter.

Question: as a custodial mom, am I also allowed to "move on" from my teen daughter when she acts like a brat?

Exactly. The mom does literally everything and the OP wants a real relationship with his DD in exchange for providing child support.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you've done everything you could do but the fact is, you did not raise your DD. That's the sad fact. You have to accept that you have the relationship with her that is the result of being raised solely by her mom.

You're using child support as a weapon instead of something that is your responsibility as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think cutting her off for not giving you enough attention is sending a bad message...that your financial support is contingent on her showing affection and/or that you think you should be able to "buy" her feelings.

She is 18, still so young. She will likely come around in her 20s and see that you were a good dad who tried your best and that her mom unfairly made you out to be a villain. Don't give the mom ammunition by trying to wield your money as a weapon

Where are you seeing evidence of this? There is nothing parental or loving about any of the sentiments expressed by the OP. All he talks about is money. He doesn't even miss his DD. He blames his ex for his DD's feelings towards him instead of taking any responsibility. Where do you read the mom has unfairly made him out to be a villain? Literally, where?

I don't agree. He has posted about how hard he tries to see her, calls and messages regularly, tried to FaceTime until Mom cut him down to one call a week on the house phone, flies to Europe to see her, tries to get her to come for summer visits, etc.

I'm not saying he's Dad of the year or that the Mom is a bad person, but he clearly genuinely cares about his DD and would like to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

Well that's the entire point of child support. Despite what many men on this thread and elsewhere seem to think, the money is to support their child, who is being cared for by someone else, usually the mother. You are not doing the mother some big favor by sending her a check. Also child support does not even BEGIN to cover half of the actual cost of raising a child. Nice try, guys.

Get a job

Or multiple jobs, like most single moms. Do you think OP's ex is living off of child support? Is there something about OP we don't know, like he's a wealthy American star?