Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Hi would appreciate some feedback. My daughter will turn 18 soon. She lives in Europe with her mother. I'm a soldier we divorced when she was born. Mother didn't want to move to the U.S.
She denied me access to her till she was three. With the distance and language barrier it hasn't been an easy ride. I made sure to fly there a few times a year. Paid child support. The mom fought for sole custody and supervised all my visits. Daughter wasn't allowed to come to the states till she was 13- but this was a week holiday consisting of many shopping trips. I have done the best I could given the circumstances. She wouldn't allow her to come here incase I kidnapped her ( I would never). Over the years I have made sure to message and call my daughter regularly. My ex wife I feel always used my daughter to get extra money. I paid child support, pocket money, paid for flights to Europe, shopping trips, tuition, gym. If the amount wasn't to the mother's liking conveniently my daughter would refuse to speak to me or even wish me a happy birthday. At the age of 10 apparently ny daughter wanted to see my pay stubs.
Fast forward she takes forever to respond to my messages, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't ever remember my birthday, her grandmother's. We only get messages when she wants something. Last month I had enough and I called her out on it. She didn't respond to my messages. And now that she is 18 I sent the child support payment directly to her rather than her mother. The mother is very angry and wants payments till my daughter is 27. She also said im out of line for telling my daughter to take responsibility for her actions and do a better job of staying In touch. I'm lost. Is it ok to tell a teenager to remember birthdays and make more of an effort. Or do I just Stat quiet and accept the relationship. I do have another daughter she's a toddler. My daughter has no interest in her either.

[Anonymous]

Is there a legal obligation to pay child support until age 27?

[Anonymous]

In the country she lives in its until the child finishes education. This is the age the mother gave me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the country she lives in its until the child finishes education. This is the age the mother gave me

Ask a local lawyer there. Rates in Europe tend to be lower than US lawyers anyway. I fyou need a referral, contact the US embassy in that country. You mentioned you're in teh service so they may have a resource that can provide referrals.

ALso remember your daughter has been given the "truth" by her resentful mother all these years. It may take some time for her to get the real truth.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop paying for anything. She’s an adult that’s using you.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced too and I'm sure my ex-husband has a sob story that leaves out a lot of info. So I take your account with a boulder of salt. To answer your question, no, I would not tell a teenager that I did not raise to make more of an effort with me.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a legal agreement for child support? Maybe you want to consult a lawyer.

But as for your daughter, things are pretty messed up. Even kids who have a decent childhood can be self absorbed so it doesn’t surprise me that your daughter doesn’t remember birthdays and doesn’t show an interest in her half sister. I think you’re expecting a lot under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced too and I'm sure my ex-husband has a sob story that leaves out a lot of info. So I take your account with a boulder of salt. To answer your question, no, I would not tell a teenager that I did not raise to make more of an effort with me.

I'm also divorced and no matter what relationship I had with my ex I made sure my kids had a healthy one with their dad. You seem bitter

[Anonymous]

P.s. most older kids/teens don’t care about half siblings, especially if they don’t live in same house. She is 18 and lives in another country. Of course she isn’t going to care about your 3 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you did a great job all around.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation once in that I was the teenager who was distant from my dad because I was essentially raised by my mom after my parents divorced when I was 1 (saw my dad maybe 4 times a year tops). I don't think you're going to get anywhere, especially during the teen years, by trying to guilt her into being more proactive about the relationship. I honestly think you need to continue to be present as you can and she will eventually mature and realize it's important to have a relationship back with you. I'm closer to my dad now that I'm in my 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.s. most older kids/teens don’t care about half siblings, especially if they don’t live in same house. She is 18 and lives in another country. Of course she isn’t going to care about your 3 yr old.

My step daughter is like this. She is a brat so I keep my daughter away from her. Goes two ways.