Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

OP, yes, you’re no more than an ATM to them. She’s 18 you owe them nothing anymore. Move on and when your daughter decide not to behave not like a brat and be more considerate you can open yourself up to have a relationship. They’ve controlled the situation for far too long. Focus on your 3 year old daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Shot up.

**Shut

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Shot up.

Shut*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Shot up.

Shut*

*shoot

shat**

*short

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

Agreed. My teens are good kids, but they remember my birthday largely because my spouse (their other parent) reminds them of the fact and helps organize the celebration. Same for mothers' day/fathers' day.

If you want to get to know your young adult child better, spend time with them. Call them. Write them. Tell them about your life. Invite them to spend time with you, and understand if they're too busy or uninterested because they've got other stuff going on in their life.

When I was 18, I had over 6000 days of being with my parents to build up a solid relationship, and I was still an immature jerk to them at times. I'm guessing you need more quality time together (in person or virtually) to develop a relationship before you start chiding her for not being attentive enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Sounds like she restricted access and brain washed their child into hating her father but was happy to take all the money she could.

This is why I pray for a male birth control pill (with less side effects than what's available for women currently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

Agreed. My teens are good kids, but they remember my birthday largely because my spouse (their other parent) reminds them of the fact and helps organize the celebration. Same for mothers' day/fathers' day.

If you want to get to know your young adult child better, spend time with them. Call them. Write them. Tell them about your life. Invite them to spend time with you, and understand if they're too busy or uninterested because they've got other stuff going on in their life.

When I was 18, I had over 6000 days of being with my parents to build up a solid relationship, and I was still an immature jerk to them at times. I'm guessing you need more quality time together (in person or virtually) to develop a relationship before you start chiding her for not being attentive enough.

OP here I did exactly this multiple times a week. When she was younger mom should say she doesn't want to Skype me. I will call and call even bought an I pad to make it easy.
As she got older I was only allowed to call tbe house phone. The schedule was set by mom ( Sunday mornings only)
I flew 3 or 4 times a year. Even then dates were given last minute and always on their schedule which I respected. I tried to plan activities like theme parks etc. Everytime I've gone she will spend a few hours with me then is busy with friends. She will only want to go shopping etc
I eventually started to communicate with her on what's app. She wouldn't answer calls so we stuck to typing. I message multiple times. Messages are read as they turn blue but she will not reply for days. In order to keep the peace I tried to just go along with the demands but it's enough. The mom didn't want me to have custody so I lost all rights what can I do? I fought it. When I asked for her to spend summers here she refused as she wouldn't get child support for the overnights my daughter was with me.
I try and speak about my day, ask her about hers. I get one word replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi would appreciate some feedback. My daughter will turn 18 soon. She lives in Europe with her mother. I'm a soldier we divorced when she was born. Mother didn't want to move to the U.S.
She denied me access to her till she was three. With the distance and language barrier it hasn't been an easy ride. I made sure to fly there a few times a year. Paid child support. The mom fought for sole custody and supervised all my visits. Daughter wasn't allowed to come to the states till she was 13- but this was a week holiday consisting of many shopping trips. I have done the best I could given the circumstances. She wouldn't allow her to come here incase I kidnapped her ( I would never). Over the years I have made sure to message and call my daughter regularly. My ex wife I feel always used my daughter to get extra money. I paid child support, pocket money, paid for flights to Europe, shopping trips, tuition, gym. If the amount wasn't to the mother's liking conveniently my daughter would refuse to speak to me or even wish me a happy birthday. At the age of 10 apparently ny daughter wanted to see my pay stubs.
Fast forward she takes forever to respond to my messages, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't ever remember my birthday, her grandmother's. We only get messages when she wants something. Last month I had enough and I called her out on it. She didn't respond to my messages. And now that she is 18 I sent the child support payment directly to her rather than her mother. The mother is very angry and wants payments till my daughter is 27. She also said im out of line for telling my daughter to take responsibility for her actions and do a better job of staying In touch. I'm lost. Is it ok to tell a teenager to remember birthdays and make more of an effort. Or do I just Stat quiet and accept the relationship. I do have another daughter she's a toddler. My daughter has no interest in her either.

I would stop making "payments", at that age, I felt as I was just a check for my mom and payment for my dad.

I was her once and 30 years later I still don't have/want a relationship with my father.
We both moved on with our lives. You can't miss something you never had.

This is truly sad. My daughter did reply and said she wants the money to go to her mom. She doesn't want to talk to me and wants space.

I'm PP. Unfortunately, that proves my point.

I would not pay the mom but would make payment directly to your daughter's school/college, etc. She is 18 and this is how the law works in the U.S.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you are hoping to be more than just a check. If it's any consolation, my sister did come around in her late 20s and went looking for dad. They now communicate and have seen each other a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

There are service members’ (and CIA, etc.) babies all over the world that don’t even know their fathers. Common.

But you have to come to terms with your situation is vastly different than if you divorced your pregnant American wife in Virginia. It isn’t the same and you can’t expect the same outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

There are service members’ (and CIA, etc.) babies all over the world that don’t even know their fathers. Common.

But you have to come to terms with your situation is vastly different than if you divorced your pregnant American wife in Virginia. It isn’t the same and you can’t expect the same outcome.

Exactly it is well known that local women prey on service members. You guys are a guaranteed check for them and as you said for 27 years. Move on your daughter sucks. Sounds just as greedy as her mom and will probably grow up to prey on a man and use him as a cash line

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

Why would she treat you like a father when you haven't been there as a father? Did you raise her? Did you feed her? Did you bathe her or comfort her when she was sick or upset?

+1 You can say that you had no choice but it's not true. You could have fought for custody. You took the path of least resistance, which was functioning as an international ATM, and now that's what you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Sounds like she restricted access and brain washed their child into hating her father but was happy to take all the money she could.

This is why I pray for a male birth control pill (with less side effects than what's available for women currently).

Amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex wife used your daughter as a pawn. Sadly happens to a lot of fathers. Please know this forum is full of a lot of bitter woman, mostly the sad desperate first wives clutching onto child support, similar to your ex wife.
Your ex sounds like a terrible person. You did your best.

+1

OP, I'm not sure what you want out of your relationship with your daughter, but I think you need to evaluate what's possible / probable. At some point, your daughter is an adult and needs to lay in the bed she's made. I certainly wouldn't continue to be an ATM for somebody who expresses no interest in having a relationship with me.