Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Ha why would she do that.. it would cut her child support check. That is why most of them want sole custody- to take revenge and get a check"


No one gets what they want when they go to court. The judge decides what's best for the child. If men step up and say they want custody, they usually get partial custody. If a judge decides one parent gets sole custody, it's a HUGE RED FLAG that there is something wrong with the other parent. HUGE.

Not when one parent is active duty military. How exactly do you work out "partial custody" living thousands of miles apart? My husband was in the military and I see it happen all the time when a couple gets divorced. The military member can't force the ex spouse to move to Japan or South Dakota or Florida so they can have split custody. And the military member doesn't have a say in where the government sends them. So the military member ends up needing to relinquish custody and just depend on visitation. The fact that OP's ex is a foreign national and would be working this in German courts makes it more complicated.

I've seen it go the other way too--- (both civilian) couple with a kid gets divorced with 50/50 custody. Mom marries her new military husband, and he gets a new duty assignment 2000 miles away. Mom has to choose A) relinquish custody of her child and move with her husband or B) Let her husband move alone and stay behind with the child--because she can't just move with the child and deny her ex his parenting time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Ha why would she do that.. it would cut her child support check. That is why most of them want sole custody- to take revenge and get a check"


No one gets what they want when they go to court. The judge decides what's best for the child. If men step up and say they want custody, they usually get partial custody. If a judge decides one parent gets sole custody, it's a HUGE RED FLAG that there is something wrong with the other parent. HUGE.

Not when one parent is active duty military. How exactly do you work out "partial custody" living thousands of miles apart? My husband was in the military and I see it happen all the time when a couple gets divorced. The military member can't force the ex spouse to move to Japan or South Dakota or Florida so they can have split custody. And the military member doesn't have a say in where the government sends them. So the military member ends up needing to relinquish custody and just depend on visitation. The fact that OP's ex is a foreign national and would be working this in German courts makes it more complicated.

I've seen it go the other way too--- (both civilian) couple with a kid gets divorced with 50/50 custody. Mom marries her new military husband, and he gets a new duty assignment 2000 miles away. Mom has to choose A) relinquish custody of her child and move with her husband or B) Let her husband move alone and stay behind with the child--because she can't just move with the child and deny her ex his parenting time.

The court bends over backwards to accommodate things like that -- every summer, half the summer, every other Christmas, who pays for tickets to fly to the other parent, etc. There is also legal custody -- who makes decisions for the child. That OP has neither is telling. Getting full legal and physical custody is uncommon and says something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Ha why would she do that.. it would cut her child support check. That is why most of them want sole custody- to take revenge and get a check"


No one gets what they want when they go to court. The judge decides what's best for the child. If men step up and say they want custody, they usually get partial custody. If a judge decides one parent gets sole custody, it's a HUGE RED FLAG that there is something wrong with the other parent. HUGE.

Not when one parent is active duty military. How exactly do you work out "partial custody" living thousands of miles apart? My husband was in the military and I see it happen all the time when a couple gets divorced. The military member can't force the ex spouse to move to Japan or South Dakota or Florida so they can have split custody. And the military member doesn't have a say in where the government sends them. So the military member ends up needing to relinquish custody and just depend on visitation. The fact that OP's ex is a foreign national and would be working this in German courts makes it more complicated.

I've seen it go the other way too--- (both civilian) couple with a kid gets divorced with 50/50 custody. Mom marries her new military husband, and he gets a new duty assignment 2000 miles away. Mom has to choose A) relinquish custody of her child and move with her husband or B) Let her husband move alone and stay behind with the child--because she can't just move with the child and deny her ex his parenting time.

The court bends over backwards to accommodate things like that -- every summer, half the summer, every other Christmas, who pays for tickets to fly to the other parent, etc. There is also legal custody -- who makes decisions for the child. That OP has neither is telling. Getting full legal and physical custody is uncommon and says something.

German courts?

[Anonymous]

Also, you have to remember the divorce/custody decisions did not happen in current times. OP's child is 18, so she was born in/around 2004. I am the pp whose husband was in the military, and we also have a child born in 2004. In 2004-2005 there were heavy deployments to Iraq, and OP even stated he was involved in those. Difficult to go to court and fight for custody from Iraq. Even harder to argue that you deserve partial custody when you also must truthfully state you can literally get called up and told you're leaving to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time--and you will be leaving in 3 days. How exactly would OP get his daughter back to Germany to her mother under those conditions?

In the military, single parents are required to have a care plan for their children--exactly because of what I just wrote above. if your unit requires you to deploy--you can't just say "Sure, give me a few weeks to figure out who can watch my kid for me." No, it doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you have to remember the divorce/custody decisions did not happen in current times. OP's child is 18, so she was born in/around 2004. I am the pp whose husband was in the military, and we also have a child born in 2004. In 2004-2005 there were heavy deployments to Iraq, and OP even stated he was involved in those. Difficult to go to court and fight for custody from Iraq. Even harder to argue that you deserve partial custody when you also must truthfully state you can literally get called up and told you're leaving to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time--and you will be leaving in 3 days. How exactly would OP get his daughter back to Germany to her mother under those conditions?

In the military, single parents are required to have a care plan for their children--exactly because of what I just wrote above. if your unit requires you to deploy--you can't just say "Sure, give me a few weeks to figure out who can watch my kid for me." No, it doesn't work like that.

Then come up with a care plan. Parents? Siblings? Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, you have to remember the divorce/custody decisions did not happen in current times. OP's child is 18, so she was born in/around 2004. I am the pp whose husband was in the military, and we also have a child born in 2004. In 2004-2005 there were heavy deployments to Iraq, and OP even stated he was involved in those. Difficult to go to court and fight for custody from Iraq. Even harder to argue that you deserve partial custody when you also must truthfully state you can literally get called up and told you're leaving to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time--and you will be leaving in 3 days. How exactly would OP get his daughter back to Germany to her mother under those conditions?

In the military, single parents are required to have a care plan for their children--exactly because of what I just wrote above. if your unit requires you to deploy--you can't just say "Sure, give me a few weeks to figure out who can watch my kid for me." No, it doesn't work like that.

Then come up with a care plan. Parents? Siblings? Etc.

Op did not mention if he has parents/siblings able and willing to do that for him. Maybe he's an only child. Maybe his parents were physically incapable of taking care of a young child for an undetermined amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months, 18 months? Who knows?) at a moments notice. Could your parents? Can you realistically say that you could call your parents right now and say "I can't tell you where I'm going or how long I'll be gone-but I need you to come over tomorrow and watch my kid for me until I get back?" I know my parents sure couldn't do that for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, you have to remember the divorce/custody decisions did not happen in current times. OP's child is 18, so she was born in/around 2004. I am the pp whose husband was in the military, and we also have a child born in 2004. In 2004-2005 there were heavy deployments to Iraq, and OP even stated he was involved in those. Difficult to go to court and fight for custody from Iraq. Even harder to argue that you deserve partial custody when you also must truthfully state you can literally get called up and told you're leaving to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time--and you will be leaving in 3 days. How exactly would OP get his daughter back to Germany to her mother under those conditions?

In the military, single parents are required to have a care plan for their children--exactly because of what I just wrote above. if your unit requires you to deploy--you can't just say "Sure, give me a few weeks to figure out who can watch my kid for me." No, it doesn't work like that.

Then come up with a care plan. Parents? Siblings? Etc.

Op did not mention if he has parents/siblings able and willing to do that for him. Maybe he's an only child. Maybe his parents were physically incapable of taking care of a young child for an undetermined amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months, 18 months? Who knows?) at a moments notice. Could your parents? Can you realistically say that you could call your parents right now and say "I can't tell you where I'm going or how long I'll be gone-but I need you to come over tomorrow and watch my kid for me until I get back?" I know my parents sure couldn't do that for me.

If I were in the military and had to put a plan in place, I would come up with one. Presumably someone in the military is aware of this before they have a child.

[Anonymous]

PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, you have to remember the divorce/custody decisions did not happen in current times. OP's child is 18, so she was born in/around 2004. I am the pp whose husband was in the military, and we also have a child born in 2004. In 2004-2005 there were heavy deployments to Iraq, and OP even stated he was involved in those. Difficult to go to court and fight for custody from Iraq. Even harder to argue that you deserve partial custody when you also must truthfully state you can literally get called up and told you're leaving to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time--and you will be leaving in 3 days. How exactly would OP get his daughter back to Germany to her mother under those conditions?

In the military, single parents are required to have a care plan for their children--exactly because of what I just wrote above. if your unit requires you to deploy--you can't just say "Sure, give me a few weeks to figure out who can watch my kid for me." No, it doesn't work like that.

Then come up with a care plan. Parents? Siblings? Etc.

Op did not mention if he has parents/siblings able and willing to do that for him. Maybe he's an only child. Maybe his parents were physically incapable of taking care of a young child for an undetermined amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months, 18 months? Who knows?) at a moments notice. Could your parents? Can you realistically say that you could call your parents right now and say "I can't tell you where I'm going or how long I'll be gone-but I need you to come over tomorrow and watch my kid for me until I get back?" I know my parents sure couldn't do that for me.

If I were in the military and had to put a plan in place, I would come up with one. Presumably someone in the military is aware of this before they have a child.

Yeah, well OP probably thought they were going to be a family and stay together. I'm sure he didn't go into having a child with the thought that she would refuse to leave Germany and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

But you're not in Germany. I'm confused why you feel obligated to do it the German way.

Paying until 27 is crazy!

How about mom follows the U.S. way and be done by 18?

This. Simple!

Germany's Child Support ends at 18 as well....23 if your kid is enrolled full-time in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

NP here.

It's not hard to understand. You've explained it very well and, frankly, it's pretty obvious to even a casual observer. The other posters are being intentionally obtuse and mean to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

NP here.

It's not hard to understand. You've explained it very well and, frankly, it's pretty obvious to even a casual observer. The other posters are being intentionally obtuse and mean to the OP.

Thank you.
I also realized I mistyped, it was January 2003 that my husband got "3 days notice'. I think I was a little worked up last night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

NP here.

It's not hard to understand. You've explained it very well and, frankly, it's pretty obvious to even a casual observer. The other posters are being intentionally obtuse and mean to the OP.

It's been 15 years since 2007, and by his account OP has flown to Germany once or twice a year and flown his kid out to the States for one week. If the reason he couldn't have any unsupervised custody whatsoever was simply "could get called to Iraq with little notice," that hasn't been the case for most of his daughter's life. So continuing to not have any level of custody and barely ever see her is either a lack of effort on his part to amend the custody order, or there's another reason he wasn't deemed fit for unsupervised visits that is not being mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

NP here.

It's not hard to understand. You've explained it very well and, frankly, it's pretty obvious to even a casual observer. The other posters are being intentionally obtuse and mean to the OP.

It's been 15 years since 2007, and by his account OP has flown to Germany once or twice a year and flown his kid out to the States for one week. If the reason he couldn't have any unsupervised custody whatsoever was simply "could get called to Iraq with little notice," that hasn't been the case for most of his daughter's life. So continuing to not have any level of custody and barely ever see her is either a lack of effort on his part to amend the custody order, or there's another reason he wasn't deemed fit for unsupervised visits that is not being mentioned.

Well, since you are so confident in your assertion, I guess you must have a lot of past experience specifically with German family court and exactly how they rule in cases of child custody with foreign nationals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP with the husband in the military here again.

Look, I get that it's hard for you to understand if you didn't live through what it was like for military families January 2002-2007 or so...Most military personnel that I knew did MULTIPLE tours of Iraq. Sometimes you knew in advance, sometimes you only knew a few days before--and sometimes (especially in the early part) you had no idea when/if your military member would come back.

January 2002 my husband got 3 days notice, with ZERO idea of when he'd come home. It ended up being September. I got pregnant that night.
Then, 2 weeks before that baby was born, he was notified he was leaving again---at least this time he got several weeks notice, and left when the baby was 3 weeks old. He was gone 6 months.
OP was in a tough position for arguing for any type of custody (in a German court, no less!) as a military member in the early-mid 2000s.

NP here.

It's not hard to understand. You've explained it very well and, frankly, it's pretty obvious to even a casual observer. The other posters are being intentionally obtuse and mean to the OP.

It's been 15 years since 2007, and by his account OP has flown to Germany once or twice a year and flown his kid out to the States for one week. If the reason he couldn't have any unsupervised custody whatsoever was simply "could get called to Iraq with little notice," that hasn't been the case for most of his daughter's life. So continuing to not have any level of custody and barely ever see her is either a lack of effort on his part to amend the custody order, or there's another reason he wasn't deemed fit for unsupervised visits that is not being mentioned.

You have no idea how German courts work and really how divorces for service members go.