Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the country she lives in its until the child finishes education. This is the age the mother gave me

Ask a local lawyer there. Rates in Europe tend to be lower than US lawyers anyway. I fyou need a referral, contact the US embassy in that country. You mentioned you're in teh service so they may have a resource that can provide referrals.

ALso remember your daughter has been given the "truth" by her resentful mother all these years. It may take some time for her to get the real truth.

What do you mean, "the real truth"? The mother raised her. That's the "real truth." Anyone who wants to turn her away from the most important person in her life so they can be closer to her doesn't have her best interests at heart. And why would he? He's never been a real parent to her the way her mother has. Like it or not. That's the "real truth."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

Why would she treat you like a father when you haven't been there as a father? Did you raise her? Did you feed her? Did you bathe her or comfort her when she was sick or upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

So don’t send money. Look, she doesn’t owe you anything. You did what a parent is obligated to do. Don’t guilt trip her or make her feel bad if she doesn’t call, doesn’t visit, etc. Be nice. Visit her if you want, or don’t if you aren’t up to it. All I’m saying is keep communication open, express to her you love her, and keep interactions positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

It's a bit late for that. Someone else already did the job.

[Anonymous]

Your ex wife used your daughter as a pawn. Sadly happens to a lot of fathers. Please know this forum is full of a lot of bitter woman, mostly the sad desperate first wives clutching onto child support, similar to your ex wife.
Your ex sounds like a terrible person. You did your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

But you have to be realistic. You a 24 yr old pregnant in another country while on temporary military duty. What did you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

But you have to be realistic. You a 24 yr old pregnant in another country while on temporary military duty. What did you expect?

OP here she insisted on getting married when i returned from Iraq. She planned the wedding in Vegas. I told her we ought to wait to have a baby. She agreed and made some bullshit up about being on birth control. I went back to Iraq and told she was pregnant. A few weeks before my daughter was born she decided she didn't want to come to the U.S. I extended my stay for a few months but couldn't anymore. I tried to convince her for a year to come to the U.S
She said I would never see my daughter again.
When I filed for divorce I did reach out to the previous husband. She tried the same with him however no child was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

You are expecting an 18 yr old that lives and is dependent on her mother to now somehow function independently and think independently. It isn’t going to happen- yet. Be “the good guy” to her. When she is old enough and truly independent from her mother, she may seek out a relationship with you.

But you have to be realistic. You a 24 yr old pregnant in another country while on temporary military duty. What did you expect?

OP here she insisted on getting married when i returned from Iraq. She planned the wedding in Vegas. I told her we ought to wait to have a baby. She agreed and made some bullshit up about being on birth control. I went back to Iraq and told she was pregnant. A few weeks before my daughter was born she decided she didn't want to come to the U.S. I extended my stay for a few months but couldn't anymore. I tried to convince her for a year to come to the U.S
She said I would never see my daughter again.
When I filed for divorce I did reach out to the previous husband. She tried the same with him however no child was involved.

And you wore a condom, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi would appreciate some feedback. My daughter will turn 18 soon. She lives in Europe with her mother. I'm a soldier we divorced when she was born. Mother didn't want to move to the U.S.
She denied me access to her till she was three. With the distance and language barrier it hasn't been an easy ride. I made sure to fly there a few times a year. Paid child support. The mom fought for sole custody and supervised all my visits. Daughter wasn't allowed to come to the states till she was 13- but this was a week holiday consisting of many shopping trips. I have done the best I could given the circumstances. She wouldn't allow her to come here incase I kidnapped her ( I would never). Over the years I have made sure to message and call my daughter regularly. My ex wife I feel always used my daughter to get extra money. I paid child support, pocket money, paid for flights to Europe, shopping trips, tuition, gym. If the amount wasn't to the mother's liking conveniently my daughter would refuse to speak to me or even wish me a happy birthday. At the age of 10 apparently ny daughter wanted to see my pay stubs.
Fast forward she takes forever to respond to my messages, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't ever remember my birthday, her grandmother's. We only get messages when she wants something. Last month I had enough and I called her out on it. She didn't respond to my messages. And now that she is 18 I sent the child support payment directly to her rather than her mother. The mother is very angry and wants payments till my daughter is 27. She also said im out of line for telling my daughter to take responsibility for her actions and do a better job of staying In touch. I'm lost. Is it ok to tell a teenager to remember birthdays and make more of an effort. Or do I just Stat quiet and accept the relationship. I do have another daughter she's a toddler. My daughter has no interest in her either.

I would stop making "payments", at that age, I felt as I was just a check for my mom and payment for my dad.

I was her once and 30 years later I still don't have/want a relationship with my father.
We both moved on with our lives. You can't miss something you never had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi would appreciate some feedback. My daughter will turn 18 soon. She lives in Europe with her mother. I'm a soldier we divorced when she was born. Mother didn't want to move to the U.S.
She denied me access to her till she was three. With the distance and language barrier it hasn't been an easy ride. I made sure to fly there a few times a year. Paid child support. The mom fought for sole custody and supervised all my visits. Daughter wasn't allowed to come to the states till she was 13- but this was a week holiday consisting of many shopping trips. I have done the best I could given the circumstances. She wouldn't allow her to come here incase I kidnapped her ( I would never). Over the years I have made sure to message and call my daughter regularly. My ex wife I feel always used my daughter to get extra money. I paid child support, pocket money, paid for flights to Europe, shopping trips, tuition, gym. If the amount wasn't to the mother's liking conveniently my daughter would refuse to speak to me or even wish me a happy birthday. At the age of 10 apparently ny daughter wanted to see my pay stubs.
Fast forward she takes forever to respond to my messages, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't ever remember my birthday, her grandmother's. We only get messages when she wants something. Last month I had enough and I called her out on it. She didn't respond to my messages. And now that she is 18 I sent the child support payment directly to her rather than her mother. The mother is very angry and wants payments till my daughter is 27. She also said im out of line for telling my daughter to take responsibility for her actions and do a better job of staying In touch. I'm lost. Is it ok to tell a teenager to remember birthdays and make more of an effort. Or do I just Stat quiet and accept the relationship. I do have another daughter she's a toddler. My daughter has no interest in her either.

I would stop making "payments", at that age, I felt as I was just a check for my mom and payment for my dad.

I was her once and 30 years later I still don't have/want a relationship with my father.
We both moved on with our lives. You can't miss something you never had.

This is truly sad. My daughter did reply and said she wants the money to go to her mom. She doesn't want to talk to me and wants space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Shot up.