I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Well... I think you have a lot of unpacking to do, figuring out where your thinking has gone wrong. I don't see why volunteering at school is a requirement of being a good parent. My DH has never once done it, even when they explicitly were looking for someone in his career field, to talk to the class. He just didn't feel comfortable, and it didn't occur to me to think he's a bad parent.

Regarding the kids fighting with each other, which no one seems to have picked up on, but which I think is a major issue, because it directly and immediately affects your quality of life as a family. Figure out how to make that stop, not by telling the kids to stop fighting, but by separating them. I know my kids start fighting when they are bored. Do your kids have friends, and do they fight when friends are around? I highly recommend more play dates (I will send 11 year old to X friend's house and host 6 year old's friend, next time I send the 6 year old to a friend's). Or, even, offer to go to the playground with your kids and have them bring one friend each. If your kids are like mine, they'll go off and play and leave you alone. For years, I survived on play dates to avoid having to play board games, etc.

And then, like people said, think of one hobby you would enjoy doing with kid1 and one hobby with kid2. If you don't have the mental energy to think of anything, you really may need professional help.

In any case... Thinking of yourself as a bad mom is counterproductive. Regretting something that can't be undone is also counterproductive. It doesn't really matter that you made "bad" choices in the past. We all make bad choices, and it's not like you are deciding whether to have more kids, you know you won't (right???). So, stop thinking about should-haves and start thinking about how you can improve your daily life with the people currently living in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

If you think it's possible to be a good parent without having to "sacrifice" anything for your kids, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I do agree that PTA is meaningless, though.

[Anonymous]

I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

If you think it's possible to be a good parent without having to "sacrifice" anything for your kids, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I do agree that PTA is meaningless, though.

PP didn’t say “sacrifice anything.” PP said “sacrifice themselves.” Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

If you think it's possible to be a good parent without having to "sacrifice" anything for your kids, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I do agree that PTA is meaningless, though.

PP didn’t say “sacrifice anything.” PP said “sacrifice themselves.” Big difference.

Yep.

I am a good mom, and I love being a mom. I don't volunteer at school, but I volunteer at several extracurricular activities. It works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

If you think it's possible to be a good parent without having to "sacrifice" anything for your kids, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I do agree that PTA is meaningless, though.

PP didn’t say “sacrifice anything.” PP said “sacrifice themselves.” Big difference.

Semantics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

Also, tell your husband to shove it.

Would you be telling a wife the same thing, if her husband said he regrets being a dad, doesn’t want to parent, jus wants to do what he wants to do?

Or would you tell him to suck it up and engage with the kids he helped bring into the world?

She didn’t tell him this stuff. He is saying she doesn’t volunteer at school enough. No dad has ever gotten flak for that. He can shove it.

It’s a huge assumption that she hasn’t spoken about these things to her own husband or that he (and the kids) don’t pick up on her resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your feelings are pretty normal and I do not think you are a terrible person, at all. You are owning your mistake, it sounds like you are a good mom even if you don't enjoy it, and you are trying to find a way to make things better.

Here's the thing: you get to decide what being a "good enough mom" to your kids looks like, OP. Not your DH, not society, and not other moms. You owe your kids safety, security, and love. The rest is gravy.

Your kids are old enough that you can pull them into stuff you like to do. I hate pretend play and I hate volunteering at school/sports teams. But, I love hiking and cooking, and have gotten both of my kids into it as well.

If your DH thinks that only particular activities count as parenting, let him do those things.

Not exactly. There is a partnership in parenthood. Just like you wouldn’t support, say, a workaholic dad who completely checked out and left all the kid stuff to mom, so should we have expectations for the mom even if she regrets motherhood and doesn’t like being a mom. We are only hearing her side of things. She can’t leave it all to him, even if she can agree that the suggestions like volunteering don’t work for her. That includes quality time activities, and there needs to be a give and take so it all isn’t falling on dad - and especially if the kids are picking up on the fact that mom is regretting parenthood.

There’s a lot we don’t know about the real family dynamics going on here.

Clearly you didn't understand what PP was saying so I'll break it down for you. She doesn't HAVE to play board games and volunteer at the school to be a good mom. SHE gets to decide what kind of mother she wants to be. Maybe she loves to bake and can include them in that. Maybe she loves photography and wants to teach them that. Motherhood can look a million different ways.

That sounds like exactly what OP’s husband is doing - suggesting ways to be more involved in the kids’ lives the same way you just did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like you. I hate the fake as shit aholes that volunteer for everything. You can keep them b i t c h e s.

Could you explain how someone who volunteers is a fake-as-shit ahole? Like including the people upthread who don’t really want to, but do it anyway…they’re all fake-as-shit aholes? Just wondering what the criteria is for a fake-as-shit ahole. TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

If you think it's possible to be a good parent without having to "sacrifice" anything for your kids, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I do agree that PTA is meaningless, though.

PP didn’t say “sacrifice anything.” PP said “sacrifice themselves.” Big difference.

Semantics.

+1. Like it or not, there ARE sacrifices when you bring a child into the world. You don’t have to be a mommy martyr - that’s an extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

[Anonymous]

I don't volunteer. I only walk into school for parent teacher conferences and spectator events like a graduation or orchestra concert or sporting event. I do give generously to their school and sports. I found activities over time that I enjoy and do those, like I hate board games, but love to listen to audible books with them in bed at night. I also do a ton of driving to their activities as I enjoy the car talk. guess to sum up, what has worked for me is to focus on my relationship with my kids and doing it my way and to hell with what anyone else thinks about how mothering should look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also wondering if this is a new feeling. Because all the people I know who were not happy with kids stopped at one, which made it much more manageable. Are you burnt out from pandemic parenting?

OP can you answer this?