I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

I love being a parent so this is hard to imagine but it must really be hard for you. You love your kids but don't feel like you can put in what you think a good parent should and it sounds like that's being reinforced by your husband.
I enjoyed parenting because I like doing craft things, cooking fun stuff, going outside and exploring, picking up rocks and plants, listening to music, singing, going to the library, reading books, watching movies, picking berries and going on adventures. These are all things I really liked doing with my kids. I did less of the stuff I didn't like and that's ok. Now that my kids are college age/young adults, I miss the heck out of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

Also, tell your husband to shove it.

Would you be telling a wife the same thing, if her husband said he regrets being a dad, doesn’t want to parent, jus wants to do what he wants to do?

Or would you tell him to suck it up and engage with the kids he helped bring into the world?

But OP didn’t say she said these things out loud to her DH ever. DH is the one complaining about her parenting.

DH’s like OP’s can go shove it.

[Anonymous]

1. I see that it doesn’t seem like you are being too hard on yourself, which is great.

2. You CAN increase your patience. Just so it. There is a book called “how to be a happier parent” that is good, and also dialectical behavioral therapy has so many good exercises to increase emotional regulation and distress tolerance.

3. Don’t try to do things with the kids that you don’t enjoy. Board games? Give me a break. I like walks, trips to the farmers market, fun museums, etc. I am sure you can find something.

4. Please make this a big priority. Your little kids are only your little kids once! You can do it!

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the supportive advice here is good, but looking back at OPs original title, the word that stands out for me is "regret". I was never particularly eager to be a mother, and I also don't enjoy and am not good at a lot of that traditional mom stuff. But I have never regretted doing it. This isn't meant to be a dig on OP. But I hope the regret comes from the burden of expectations you, and your husband, have placed on you. You say you love your kids, that is what is most important. Maybe some therapy, both on your own and with your husband, can help you adjust your expectations to find the joy in your style of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

Also, tell your husband to shove it.

Would you be telling a wife the same thing, if her husband said he regrets being a dad, doesn’t want to parent, jus wants to do what he wants to do?

Or would you tell him to suck it up and engage with the kids he helped bring into the world?

She didn’t tell him this stuff. He is saying she doesn’t volunteer at school enough. No dad has ever gotten flak for that. He can shove it.

[Anonymous]

Mom'ing is hard. The important thing is to remember you are a woman first. Carve out me time as needed. It's easy to get lost in motherhood. My kid is 16 and parenting him at this age is not particularly fun. In fact, it's super challenging as he's always been very strongwilled. The battle for independence is exhausting, and he has a lot of freedom as a teen.

Maybe have a game night to knock out the "play" time. Set it for an hour or hour and a half. Volunteer as you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

I know you tried very very hard to be mean and make OP feel bad, but damn girl, everyone reading this just feels sad and embarrassed for you. Sorry for whatever went wrong in your childhood or is currently going wrong in your marriage!

+1000000

OP don't listen to that jerk. A lot of us feel similarly about being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the supportive advice here is good, but looking back at OPs original title, the word that stands out for me is "regret". I was never particularly eager to be a mother, and I also don't enjoy and am not good at a lot of that traditional mom stuff. But I have never regretted doing it. This isn't meant to be a dig on OP. But I hope the regret comes from the burden of expectations you, and your husband, have placed on you. You say you love your kids, that is what is most important. Maybe some therapy, both on your own and with your husband, can help you adjust your expectations to find the joy in your style of parenting.

Sometimes women use too colorful emotional language. Hard to tell if she's just tired and doesn't want to keep up with the Joneses or if she really regrets her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

I know you tried very very hard to be mean and make OP feel bad, but damn girl, everyone reading this just feels sad and embarrassed for you. Sorry for whatever went wrong in your childhood or is currently going wrong in your marriage!

+1000000

OP don't listen to that jerk. A lot of us feel similarly about being a mom.

Amen. I mean, I don't feel the same but I have sure had my moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your feelings are pretty normal and I do not think you are a terrible person, at all. You are owning your mistake, it sounds like you are a good mom even if you don't enjoy it, and you are trying to find a way to make things better.

Here's the thing: you get to decide what being a "good enough mom" to your kids looks like, OP. Not your DH, not society, and not other moms. You owe your kids safety, security, and love. The rest is gravy.

Your kids are old enough that you can pull them into stuff you like to do. I hate pretend play and I hate volunteering at school/sports teams. But, I love hiking and cooking, and have gotten both of my kids into it as well.

If your DH thinks that only particular activities count as parenting, let him do those things.

Not exactly. There is a partnership in parenthood. Just like you wouldn’t support, say, a workaholic dad who completely checked out and left all the kid stuff to mom, so should we have expectations for the mom even if she regrets motherhood and doesn’t like being a mom. We are only hearing her side of things. She can’t leave it all to him, even if she can agree that the suggestions like volunteering don’t work for her. That includes quality time activities, and there needs to be a give and take so it all isn’t falling on dad - and especially if the kids are picking up on the fact that mom is regretting parenthood.

There’s a lot we don’t know about the real family dynamics going on here.

Clearly you didn't understand what PP was saying so I'll break it down for you. She doesn't HAVE to play board games and volunteer at the school to be a good mom. SHE gets to decide what kind of mother she wants to be. Maybe she loves to bake and can include them in that. Maybe she loves photography and wants to teach them that. Motherhood can look a million different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my kids but I dislike being a mom too. Wish I were dad: so much less effort and so much more praise.

Unless you’re a widower dad with two young kids like me. It’s more than a little effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so much less effort and so much more praise.

Hm. What world do you live in?

- a dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

OP, you are definitely not alone when it comes to these feelings. I don't hate being a mother, but I don't have motherly instincts or act in a motherly way whatsoever. It's all learned for me, and sometimes, they can be very hard and exhausting lessons. You just need to be easier on yourself, and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't doing enough. You showed up to volunteer for 3 hours! That's amazing! I was the room parent this year, and do you know how many parents don't even care to respond? You are definitely doing more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.