This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

The real issue here seems to be the example OP and her husband are setting for their own kids. If the father doesn't have the decency to care for his own mom, what does he expect will happen when his kids grow up? What does OP expect will happen?

Why is OP responsible for her husband’s behavior? What do you suggest she do, other than just doing everything for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

Never picked it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please try to show some compassion for those of us who don’t see this stuff right away. Societal pressure is insidious, and we often don’t know how much we absorbed. Growing up, my mom exchanged letters weekly with her mom and sister, and later my dad’s sister. They’re the ones who send the birthday cards and Christmas presents and wedding gifts. My mom subtly pressed my SIL on why she and my brother never sent thank yous for their wedding gifts. We didn’t always have role models for men doing this kind of work. So don’t hate on OP for coming to it later. There are plenty of women (and men!) who never get it at all.

I don’t think anyone “hated on” OP. They just shared their own experience navigating this dynamic. And some of us had the experience of growing up with these same expectations, but never picking up the rope for whatever reason. It’s not “hating” on anyone to share one’s own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please try to show some compassion for those of us who don’t see this stuff right away. Societal pressure is insidious, and we often don’t know how much we absorbed. Growing up, my mom exchanged letters weekly with her mom and sister, and later my dad’s sister. They’re the ones who send the birthday cards and Christmas presents and wedding gifts. My mom subtly pressed my SIL on why she and my brother never sent thank yous for their wedding gifts. We didn’t always have role models for men doing this kind of work. So don’t hate on OP for coming to it later. There are plenty of women (and men!) who never get it at all.

I don’t think anyone “hated on” OP. They just shared their own experience navigating this dynamic. And some of us had the experience of growing up with these same expectations, but never picking up the rope for whatever reason. It’s not “hating” on anyone to share one’s own experience.

When you say, why did you even marry into this family or make someone feel dumb for not seeing it earlier, it’s not about your experience. It’s just as easy to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

I'm sorry your adult husband doesn't have functional arms or legs and lacks the ability to use the phone and internet. Must be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please try to show some compassion for those of us who don’t see this stuff right away. Societal pressure is insidious, and we often don’t know how much we absorbed. Growing up, my mom exchanged letters weekly with her mom and sister, and later my dad’s sister. They’re the ones who send the birthday cards and Christmas presents and wedding gifts. My mom subtly pressed my SIL on why she and my brother never sent thank yous for their wedding gifts. We didn’t always have role models for men doing this kind of work. So don’t hate on OP for coming to it later. There are plenty of women (and men!) who never get it at all.

I don’t think anyone “hated on” OP. They just shared their own experience navigating this dynamic. And some of us had the experience of growing up with these same expectations, but never picking up the rope for whatever reason. It’s not “hating” on anyone to share one’s own experience.

When you say, why did you even marry into this family or make someone feel dumb for not seeing it earlier, it’s not about your experience. It’s just as easy to be kind.

I…didn’t say that. And neither did the vast majority of posters on here who simply said things like, “I’ve never picked it up” or “My DH has always taken care of this, but I will remind him it’s coming up” or whatever. Seriously, go back and read the thread. You seem to have been upset by one or two posters, but the majority of people who never picked up the rope simply said, “I never picked it up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

I have 3 sons and have told them over and over that it isn't and shouldn't be their wives (once they're married-they're 25, 21, and 18 now) responsibility to make the effort with DH and me.

This is bizarre. If you have a relationship with your sons why would you need to say that? Did it make you feel good?

Np it needs said to sons. They obviously didn’t get the hint or learn it by osmosis. Women entered the workforce in massive numbers starting in the 80s. And still a few generations of men haven’t gotten it. I have daughters and a son

Btw my Dh is an incredible husband and hands on father. But can’t seem to pick up the phone with this parents or send a Mother’s Day card. The week before Christmas he will feel some guilt and try to spring a visit to his parents house out of town “for just a few days over Christmas”. It’s like an insane caricature. He cannot make plans with them a month ahead of time like normal people.

Drop the rope women! Teach your daughters to not pick up mens slack and your sons to make sure they maintain family communication

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP. I am dropping the rope this year too. I didn't do as much as you have done, but I have done more than I needed to because I wanted to be fair to DH's family and thought that being fair meant I needed to treat them the way I treat my own family. In my family, support, care, and nurturing is reciprocated and is a source of strength and love. In DH's family, the road is one-way only.

Here's to liberation!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Do you think it’s about interest in spending time time with our in-laws?

For many women it is not because we have an “interest”; it is about familial duty and obligation. I have no interest in spending time with my in-laws but recognize that it’s a necessary part of maintaining family relationships (most especially for our kids). Women don’t manage these things because we want to spend time with our husbands families, we do it because it’s a chore that needs to be done.

We don’t have an “interest” in grocery shopping either, but it needs to be done.

Why do only women feel the societal pressure? Why don’t you feel that pressure, given that it is your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

I have 3 sons and have told them over and over that it isn't and shouldn't be their wives (once they're married-they're 25, 21, and 18 now) responsibility to make the effort with DH and me.

This is bizarre. If you have a relationship with your sons why would you need to say that? Did it make you feel good?

Np it needs said to sons. They obviously didn’t get the hint or learn it by osmosis. Women entered the workforce in massive numbers starting in the 80s. And still a few generations of men haven’t gotten it. I have daughters and a son

Btw my Dh is an incredible husband and hands on father. But can’t seem to pick up the phone with this parents or send a Mother’s Day card. The week before Christmas he will feel some guilt and try to spring a visit to his parents house out of town “for just a few days over Christmas”. It’s like an insane caricature. He cannot make plans with them a month ahead of time like normal people.

Drop the rope women! Teach your daughters to not pick up mens slack and your sons to make sure they maintain family communication

I have two sons and agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Do you think it’s about interest in spending time time with our in-laws?

For many women it is not because we have an “interest”; it is about familial duty and obligation. I have no interest in spending time with my in-laws but recognize that it’s a necessary part of maintaining family relationships (most especially for our kids). Women don’t manage these things because we want to spend time with our husbands families, we do it because it’s a chore that needs to be done.

We don’t have an “interest” in grocery shopping either, but it needs to be done.

Why do only women feel the societal pressure? Why don’t you feel that pressure, given that it is your family?

NP. Question: why do you feel it is a “need” to keep in touch with your husband’s family or send them gifts if he does not?

Groceries are, indeed, a need.

But if your husband—the product of his family—has decided that cards and gifts are not something he is obligated or motivated to do, why do you feel like YOUR perspectives on the subject trumps his? That’s rather infantilizing and controlling, yes?

If your husband doesn’t feel a birthday card is a must-do, why do you feel like your perspective on it is right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Do you think it’s about interest in spending time time with our in-laws?

For many women it is not because we have an “interest”; it is about familial duty and obligation. I have no interest in spending time with my in-laws but recognize that it’s a necessary part of maintaining family relationships (most especially for our kids). Women don’t manage these things because we want to spend time with our husbands families, we do it because it’s a chore that needs to be done.

We don’t have an “interest” in grocery shopping either, but it needs to be done.

Why do only women feel the societal pressure? Why don’t you feel that pressure, given that it is your family?

PP. You don’t need to do any of it. I told my wife early on, I don’t care about anyone’s birthdays other than our nuclear family’s. It took her a while to accept it, because she’d been brainwashed early on by her family. Eventually she got it.

Grocery shopping is necessary, because your family needs to eat. Sending birthday cards or Christmas gifts to some narcissistic Baby Boomers is not.

[Anonymous]

I was told by my MIL early in my marriage that the rope was my responsibility, and I told her that that's not how DH and I see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp again. omg ... Can you just stop?
I said I respect her. I said I'd encourage how she does it.
Geezzz!! you really look to criticize every little thing, don't you?

I mean, you're the one denying that you called a woman more than once when you should have been calling her husband. If you can't admit that you were part of the problem but have since shifted your approach, what is the point? If women can't admit they've been part of the problem, we won't find many solutions.

Wow. Get a hobby. I hear golf is nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Her doing all of the work for BOTH sides of the family is "providing balance?" That, as well as the rest of your saccharine post, is impressively wrong.