This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Cultural conditioning is very strong and clear on this. You know why she did it.

I did the same thing. I only made it about a year or so into our marriage before I realized that anytime I thought I was being thoughtful, his mother accused me of some sort of emotional war-fare and my feelings would be hurt. Finally I realized I couldn't change her, I had to change ME. So I also dropped the rope. But I know many many women who still manage the in-laws, for a number of reasons. For some it works out. It did not for us.

I have realized that if you go looking for slights, you will find them. Every time. I hope I can be more gracious if I am ever a MIL one day.

This! My strained relationship with my ILs, and even aspects of my adult relationship with my parents, has taught me exactly what I hope NOT to be once my kids are adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sure your MIL blames you and thinks you are blocking your husband from spending time with her or sending her gifts. She will never accept the truth. Too bad for her she didn’t appreciate you when you were trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Young and naive, I suppose. Wanted to be accommodating and nice. Not sure why. But I know I’m not the only one!

You’re not the only one, OP. I wanted to be inclusive and encourage good relationships between my MIL and our kids. After seeing how little regard she has for them, and how she’s disappointed them time and again, I’m done. DH sometimes follows up, but this is one more ball I refuse to juggle.

OTOH, my mom tries hard to be there for our kids, to the extent she can be (she has more obligations than MIL, which make it harder for her). So, DH and I work to model being there for her, e.g., helping while she was undergoing cancer treatment.

[Anonymous]

DH and I must be unicorns. We both do our share of planning and card sending and phone calling. Never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

I never did any of this either, not sure what you mean by "this generation".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sure your MIL blames you and thinks you are blocking your husband from spending time with her or sending her gifts. She will never accept the truth. Too bad for her she didn’t appreciate you when you were trying.

That's because her mother in law probably held the ropes and kept her generation of the family together. It was her conditioning. But hopefully people are doing a better job raising everyone to realize that we all have responsibility for maintaining our relationships. But if a spouse drops the ball on this, the end result should not be an elderly person left lonely. Help each other remember each others' parents. Its a group effort and some people genuinely stink at this kind of extroversion.

[Anonymous]

My brother's wife never picked up the rope. My mom respects that, but she's also sad that my brother didn't pick up the rope and become more engaged in the family.

[Anonymous]

My ILs live a few blocks away and I actually like them. That said, DH is in charge of his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

Oh? How do you figure? I've never once heard of a husband asking his wife to meddle, or getting frustrated that she wasn't. If this pressure is external at all, it usually comes from the MIL, not the husband, who is cheerfully oblivious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

Oh? How do you figure? I've never once heard of a husband asking his wife to meddle, or getting frustrated that she wasn't. If this pressure is external at all, it usually comes from the MIL, not the husband, who is cheerfully oblivious.

My FIL was the one trying to force this behavior in our family. My DH never asked/expected it of me and his mom is actually pretty hands off and understanding of my boundaries. But my FIL would openly criticize me for not sending thank you notes on my kids behalf or for us not visiting more often or not inviting them to visit us more often. He absolutely believed it was a woman's job to handle all of this (maybe why my MIL is not like this -- she'd been dealing with it her whole life).

FIL has passed and now my BIL sometimes picks up his drumbeat. I just ignore and my DH supports me.

But just an example of where this aspect of patriarchy can absolutely be enforced by men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

[Anonymous]

I'm the only woman among my cousins. My aunt has passive agressively trying to get me to pick up the rope for my family for at least a decade. Apparently organizing a secret santa or reunion is not men's work. I would never leave my child unattended with these people, so really I have zero interest in organizing events for them.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with what you said OP. I've done this work sporadically during our relationship and now just say no to it mostly.

I already do so much. What is embarrassing is we go to my in laws at the holidays and DH step siblings bring gifts so I do then or else I feel guilty and I do get the blame(!) And for DH mom since he is the only child of hers and she buys lots of gifts so I get gifts for her.

But no to most of it. I do soooo much and young ladies don't know what goes into it when getting married..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.