This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. 22 years of marriage, and i've never handled any of those things. I handle my family, DH handles his.

2. As a consequence, I'm sure his family have all kinds of nasty things to say about me behind my back.

3. But conveniently, we basically never see or talk to them (see item #1 above), so this is not my problem. If DH feels bad about some tension with his family (which he periodically does), he can put more time into it.

What if they had nothing to say about you at all? Like there is nothing to discuss? I'm sure you like the thought of them stewing about you but it could really be the opposite. The question is to you prevent the get togethers with his family? Often times the DIL will do this to estrange the father's family and they can get away with it more easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. 22 years of marriage, and i've never handled any of those things. I handle my family, DH handles his.

2. As a consequence, I'm sure his family have all kinds of nasty things to say about me behind my back.

3. But conveniently, we basically never see or talk to them (see item #1 above), so this is not my problem. If DH feels bad about some tension with his family (which he periodically does), he can put more time into it.

What if they had nothing to say about you at all? Like there is nothing to discuss? I'm sure you like the thought of them stewing about you but it could really be the opposite. The question is to you prevent the get togethers with his family? Often times the DIL will do this to estrange the father's family and they can get away with it more easily.

DP. I have no doubt the PP would be rejoice if her ILs had nothing to say about her. I doubt that's the case and the bolded statement highlights your misogyny. Dropping the rope is very different than 'preventing' get togethers. The other spouse always has a choice. A DH may choose to not attend get togethers but that's not the fault of the DIL. Stop blaming DILs for the choices their DHs make. Hold the DH accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. 22 years of marriage, and i've never handled any of those things. I handle my family, DH handles his.

2. As a consequence, I'm sure his family have all kinds of nasty things to say about me behind my back.

3. But conveniently, we basically never see or talk to them (see item #1 above), so this is not my problem. If DH feels bad about some tension with his family (which he periodically does), he can put more time into it.

What if they had nothing to say about you at all? Like there is nothing to discuss? I'm sure you like the thought of them stewing about you but it could really be the opposite. The question is to you prevent the get togethers with his family? Often times the DIL will do this to estrange the father's family and they can get away with it more easily.

DP. I have no doubt the PP would be rejoice if her ILs had nothing to say about her. I doubt that's the case and the bolded statement highlights your misogyny. Dropping the rope is very different than 'preventing' get togethers. The other spouse always has a choice. A DH may choose to not attend get togethers but that's not the fault of the DIL. Stop blaming DILs for the choices their DHs make. Hold the DH accountable.

You probably should not use words like misogyny since it’s obvious you don’t understand the definition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Assuming no estrangement, background of abusive behavior etc., do you think that maintaining relationships with extended family in any way, incuding e.g. holidays etc., is unnecessary unless someone has an interest in it?

Genereally speaking, yes.

Assuming that you are the PP quoted above, who in the family handles the work of organizing what's necessary to maintain those relationships?

My wife does, when it comes to her side of the family because she values that, to some extent. No one does when it comes to my side of the family, because I don't do so and I certainly don't expect her to do so. My involvement with any non-nuclear family events is grudging, at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. 22 years of marriage, and i've never handled any of those things. I handle my family, DH handles his.

2. As a consequence, I'm sure his family have all kinds of nasty things to say about me behind my back.

3. But conveniently, we basically never see or talk to them (see item #1 above), so this is not my problem. If DH feels bad about some tension with his family (which he periodically does), he can put more time into it.

What if they had nothing to say about you at all? Like there is nothing to discuss? I'm sure you like the thought of them stewing about you but it could really be the opposite. The question is to you prevent the get togethers with his family? Often times the DIL will do this to estrange the father's family and they can get away with it more easily.

DP. I have no doubt the PP would be rejoice if her ILs had nothing to say about her. I doubt that's the case and the bolded statement highlights your misogyny. Dropping the rope is very different than 'preventing' get togethers. The other spouse always has a choice. A DH may choose to not attend get togethers but that's not the fault of the DIL. Stop blaming DILs for the choices their DHs make. Hold the DH accountable.

You probably should not use words like misogyny since it’s obvious you don’t understand the definition.

You should stop blaming DILs for their DHs' inaction on maintaining family ties. It's definitely misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

I am not consistent here, mainly b/c my SiL has expectations for what we do for her and her family, but does not follow for ours. For examples, she told DH that it was checks only for her DCs once they turned 13, and reminded again for their HS graduations, but continues to pick out gifts for our DCs who are now past these ages with the oft-cited explanation, "well, I know what I am doing."

And because she holds me to standards that she does not for her brother. She told my daughter last summer, "well, clearly your mom didn't do x" (not true, I simply didn't do it like she did) with no reference to her brother as if I were the only parent in the household.

It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not consistent here, mainly b/c my SiL has expectations for what we do for her and her family, but does not follow for ours. For examples, she told DH that it was checks only for her DCs once they turned 13, and reminded again for their HS graduations, but continues to pick out gifts for our DCs who are now past these ages with the oft-cited explanation, "well, I know what I am doing."

And because she holds me to standards that she does not for her brother. She told my daughter last summer, "well, clearly your mom didn't do x" (not true, I simply didn't do it like she did) with no reference to her brother as if I were the only parent in the household.

It is what it is.

This is truly tasteless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not consistent here, mainly b/c my SiL has expectations for what we do for her and her family, but does not follow for ours. For examples, she told DH that it was checks only for her DCs once they turned 13, and reminded again for their HS graduations, but continues to pick out gifts for our DCs who are now past these ages with the oft-cited explanation, "well, I know what I am doing."

And because she holds me to standards that she does not for her brother. She told my daughter last summer, "well, clearly your mom didn't do x" (not true, I simply didn't do it like she did) with no reference to her brother as if I were the only parent in the household.

It is what it is.

This is truly tasteless.

I didn't necessarily mind, but the way she told DH that the gifts were not working because "we didn't understand teens" and then I saw it was really one way. She basically purchases our DCs' gifts from her crafty friends, items that they may like at 34, but not at 14. The irony did not escape us, even if a flip on her original quip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Why not hope DS becomes an adult who can handle family relationships and not expect someone else to do it for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

OP I feel you so much on this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Why not hope DS becomes an adult who can handle family relationships and not expect someone else to do it for him?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Why not hope DS becomes an adult who can handle family relationships and not expect someone else to do it for him?

The easiest way to do this is model it in your own family.

[Anonymous]

When we got married my MIL had all these lovely platitudes about how it was her son’s responsibility to send cards and call and gifts and all that jazz. She waxed on about how she once took her kids to visit her own long distance ILs without FIL and it was such a horrific hassle to fly so far with two small children that she didn’t do it again for 8 years.

Guess who called crying the first time she didn’t get a Mother’s Day card? And berated me via multiple media for not flying with out small children to see them during the first Covid summer?

So apparently she’s not happy with the son she raised and actually does think I should be the one doing all these things despite the fact that she herself refused to do them. My husband tells me they visited their long distance grandparents exactly 3 times in 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Why not hope DS becomes an adult who can handle family relationships and not expect someone else to do it for him?

The easiest way to do this is model it in your own family.

Yes. Which is why your DH should be sending his OWN MOTHER flowers. Bc your future DIL may not enjoy taking up the task, so if you haven't helped him learn how to send nice gifts to YOU, he will not learn it. Good luck finding the non-sour DIL! I'm sure you'll be a swell MIL....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we got married my MIL had all these lovely platitudes about how it was her son’s responsibility to send cards and call and gifts and all that jazz. She waxed on about how she once took her kids to visit her own long distance ILs without FIL and it was such a horrific hassle to fly so far with two small children that she didn’t do it again for 8 years.

Guess who called crying the first time she didn’t get a Mother’s Day card? And berated me via multiple media for not flying with out small children to see them during the first Covid summer?

So apparently she’s not happy with the son she raised and actually does think I should be the one doing all these things despite the fact that she herself refused to do them. My husband tells me they visited their long distance grandparents exactly 3 times in 18 years.

Which I hope he sees as his father's failure to maintain ties to his family.