This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

I never picked up the rope, but my in-laws strongly dislike me. Once they started causing problems (during engagement), I backed off and have very little, if any, communication with them.

This means my in-laws don’t receive any presents, cards, limited phone calls etc. No holiday get togethers of any kind.

It’s a blessing in disguise I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope, but my in-laws strongly dislike me. Once they started causing problems (during engagement), I backed off and have very little, if any, communication with them.

This means my in-laws don’t receive any presents, cards, limited phone calls etc. No holiday get togethers of any kind.

It’s a blessing in disguise I suppose.

I don’t see it this way. I see it as your husband doesn’t see the value in in initiating phone calls with his parents, sending cards etc. It’s not about you.

That being said, I’m raising my sons to understand that they should acknowledge people’s birthdays, write thank you notes, that we value time with the grandparents etc. I’m not sure if this is how your husband was raised or if he has changed his interactions with his parents over time due to his own personal reasons (and if they don’t like his wife, that could very well be it).

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH is in charge of his family but holidays, birthdays, outings, vacations together, etc. wouldn't happen without me. He gets busy with work and his siblings suck. They are 50+, never married and no children so they don't think they need to plan anything. I do it because I don't want my MIL to suffer and I want my kids to have a good experience with both sides of the family.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws don't value gifts, cards, flowers, or anything like that. They are ultra frugal. All they really want is a phone call so my husband handles that. They don't really want to talk to me anyway, just him and the kids. So there's no rope for me to pick up, even if I was interested in doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

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So, that's not how this generally starts. How it started for me, was once we got married we started spending holidays together. And giving JOINT gifts. And I will admit, I didn't always think my DH was picking out "good" gifts. I felt that I wanted to impress my inlaws by being thoughtful about our gifts, and I thought he was a bit too lazy about it. Since my name was on it too, I didn't like that. (BIG MISTAKE) So I felt pressure, that was mostly all self-imposed but clearly I'd gotten cues from other women in my life, that I needed to "help" my DH with gift giving because otherwise *I* would been seen as lazy/not caring/not thoughtful. It was ok maybe the first few holiday seasons, but then I was just incredibly overwhelmed each Christmas trying to find unique and new gifts for everyone. Once we had our first kid I just said "ENOUGH". He was in charge of his family, I was in charge of mine, end of story. My DH will sometimes ask me if I have ideas, and while I used to bristle (because it felt he was making it my job) now I just say no. Or if I do have ideas, I tell him "maybe your mom would like that" or something. But that's it.

His mother definitely noticed, and she didn't like it. She has accused us of being cheap or of being "the grinch". Mainly because we have requested, multiple times, to STOP with the adult gift giving. It's stressful, expensive and often wasteful because people don't want the crap you give them. That used to bother me, but now I've dropped the rope and I don't care so much. Now we just give them pictures of the kids and continue to request the end of adult gift giving. If they don't like our gifts, they are free to stop buying us gifts.

[Anonymous]

I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

What if he asked you nicely to pick out something for his mom? Most men don't come out and say "you are responsible for MY family" It is more subtle than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws don't value gifts, cards, flowers, or anything like that. They are ultra frugal. All they really want is a phone call so my husband handles that. They don't really want to talk to me anyway, just him and the kids. So there's no rope for me to pick up, even if I was interested in doing that.

I think this is a good point, and that’s recognizing that just because one spouse is used to sending gifts or buying flowers doesn’t mean that is how your spouse’s family is, or even what they value. Another reason to have each spouse handle their own side, since they know that family’s dynamics best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

Some women are conditioned by their own family and do this even if their boyfriend/fiance has no expectation and never says anything. My mom definitely tried to condition me to do this stuff. When I got married she was always asking if I was doing this or that for my DHs family (are you arranging visits with them? are you remembering their birthdays and anniversaries? this is part of your job now, you know). By the time I got married I was onto this con but I think a lot of women are raised that this is "polite" and "good manners" and that it's their job. And they only start to question it after years, and often after they become moms themselves, and start to realize who unequal these expectations are.

When I was growing up, my mom also expected me to take 100% responsibility for my relationship with my father. He was unkind to me my entire childhood, would say rude things about my appearance or my grades (I got great grades, by the way, but he'd make a comment on an A- or criticize me if I didn't win a class award that only went to one student in class). He'd also pick fights with me about politics. My mom was constantly advising me to simply "let him have his way." To be polite and gracious with him so that he could feel important and right. She didn't care if I felt important or like my opinion mattered. It was all in service to his ego and whims.

So of course this also extends to ILs. My mom thinks I owe my DH and his family something, like I need to apologize for my existence or make up for my inherent pointlessness by serving them.

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws don't value gifts, cards, flowers, or anything like that. They are ultra frugal. All they really want is a phone call so my husband handles that. They don't really want to talk to me anyway, just him and the kids. So there's no rope for me to pick up, even if I was interested in doing that.

I think this is a good point, and that’s recognizing that just because one spouse is used to sending gifts or buying flowers doesn’t mean that is how your spouse’s family is, or even what they value. Another reason to have each spouse handle their own side, since they know that family’s dynamics best!

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

+1
Never felt obligated. They still expect me to do the 'traditional' things, but DH married me because I was not traditional. I'm sure I'm a disappointment to them, but I'm also sure it doesn't bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

[Anonymous]

Also never picked it up but DH has been a great son and he always remember gifts, cards, flowers, etc. for his parents. And we visit occasionally and they visit more frequently and he plans it all. I do (and always have) buy the gifts for his sister's three kids, but that is because I enjoy it--though now that they are two teens and a tween, it is almost always gift cards or cash.