This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we got married my MIL had all these lovely platitudes about how it was her son’s responsibility to send cards and call and gifts and all that jazz. She waxed on about how she once took her kids to visit her own long distance ILs without FIL and it was such a horrific hassle to fly so far with two small children that she didn’t do it again for 8 years.

Guess who called crying the first time she didn’t get a Mother’s Day card? And berated me via multiple media for not flying with out small children to see them during the first Covid summer?

So apparently she’s not happy with the son she raised and actually does think I should be the one doing all these things despite the fact that she herself refused to do them. My husband tells me they visited their long distance grandparents exactly 3 times in 18 years.

Which I hope he sees as his father's failure to maintain ties to his family.

Indeed he does and he is utterly baffled by her insistence we should routinely travel across country with infants, then toddlers, and now young school aged children when his own experience was that they don’t do that in his family because flying cross country with toddlers is no one’s idea of a good time.

[Anonymous]

I did it years ago and it was amazingly freeing!

Of course, the ILs think now I'm somehow keeping my husband from spending time with them, but that's their issue, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

In my case, my husband didn't do anything. My family lived across the country when we started dating and his family was less than an hour away and his sister had kids. I did make an effort to get to know them and try to get them to like me because that seemed like a normal thing to do. I also LOVE finding gifts for people, so it became natural that I did it. However, a few years in, and after we were married, lots of things changed (not with my husband, he and I are very happy), and, long story short, it made sense for me to stop doing things for them. He was more than willing to pick up the slack until things completely fell apart after unacceptable behavior on their part, but that's another story. My point is, my husband never put that responsibility on me and took it back with no complaints when I told him how I felt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Why not hope DS becomes an adult who can handle family relationships and not expect someone else to do it for him?

It’s not like DS is growing in a vacuum. I imagine that one approach has been modeled for them as the “correct” way of doing things, when that is not true for all people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

You're the unicorn then. I know soooo many people with in-law issues. Myself included. I can totally relate to OP.

She's no unicorn because I cannot think of anyone in my friend group who can relate to you or OP. We think you all are the whack jobs, not your inlaws.

[Anonymous]

My husband calls his parents of his own initiative. He picks out their birthday and holiday presents, and generally manages all that himself. I might suggest something as an idea, but it's not my job to deal with it. I get along fine with my in-laws, but I'm not the account executive.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, what’s the point of the rope in the first place? You either want to hold out a rope for your aging parents/in-laws, or you want to let go and let them drop to their death. If the latter doesn’t bother you, then drop the rope or don’t bother picking it up in the first place. Just don’t act surprised if the same thing happens to you when your time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents of his own initiative. He picks out their birthday and holiday presents, and generally manages all that himself. I might suggest something as an idea, but it's not my job to deal with it. I get along fine with my in-laws, but I'm not the account executive.

DH generally does this, but I will make suggestions if I come across something that I think one of his parents would like. I found a lovely necklace some years ago that I knew his mom would like so we bought and held for her BD. Read about something recently that his dad might like so he ordered for his dad's BD.

I am not the account exec, but I will take steps to handle if DH is in agreement with the suggestion especially if his then handling means he would have to go out of the way to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, what’s the point of the rope in the first place? You either want to hold out a rope for your aging parents/in-laws, or you want to let go and let them drop to their death. If the latter doesn’t bother you, then drop the rope or don’t bother picking it up in the first place. Just don’t act surprised if the same thing happens to you when your time comes.

It can be complicated. Caregiving is a challenge if someone makes it clear that they never cared for you. My parents were from the generation that deference was the guiding principle when it came to ILs. But their parents also made attempts to get along with their children's spouses, even if they may not have been initially thrilled with the match.

I try to follow suit with my ILs, who are vastly different than my own family - much more affluent, many more expectations on standards, different religions, etc. But my ILs have always made it clear that I was welcomed from the start. My parents are already deceased and I try to bring those insights into helping my ILs as they now face some aging challenges. I think my ILs realized that and appreciate it.

I also recognize that I am modeling this behavior for my children and hope they will do similarly with their kids some day.

But on another note, I think there is a gendered aspect to the rope. Women carry out so much uncompensated labor just to keep their families and communities together. When husbands expect their wives to do so without nary an acknowledgement, that truly grates. It can also do so when the MiL/SiL blames the wife for failing to carry out these acts when it is technically in DH's camp. My SiL doesn't criticize DH here when there are perceived shortcomings, she directs it to me or criticizes me to our young adult children. I don't think she sees the rope as really one that can and does move into two directions, but only towards her as I will always be on the outside of the family circle.

[Anonymous]

I dropped the rope years ago. I’ve got enough on my plate.

[Anonymous]

My MIL handed me the rope. First of her birthdays after we married. We got married in June, her birthday was October (years ago, not recently). We had a theft the night before and were dealing with all of that with police, etc. and it slipped everyone's mind to call her for her birthday. She was LIVID -- at me. That I somehow was to blame. Husband shot that $h!t down faster than her head could spin.

She has since passed, and just out of being sorry for my lonely FIL, I send Father's Day gifts, birthday gifts, etc. from us. He said to me recently, "don't think I don't know where these are coming from. I know my son doesn't do this. I appreciate you. You're the better [Smith] in this family." I was unnecessary, but so nice for him to appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

No, she doesn't realize it. All you've done in her mind is proven you prioritize your parents. Her precious son will never shoulder blame in her eyes even if you defend yourself by saying you're letting your DH do all the work. But good for you for not caring because THAT'S the win!!

[Anonymous]

I think there’s one perspective missing from this thread, and that is the possibility that when the wife takes over the in-law responsibility, it might weaken the husband’s relationship with his own family.

I’m a wife that never picked up the rope, so my DH has always done the communicating and gift giving for his family. And i think this has helped him stay close to them. He does care that he sees them and that they get gifts from us so he calls them and needs to know their lives and schedules and so forth to coordinate all of that. If i had always done that for him, he wouldn’t have all those conversations and bonds.

I also find it interesting the responses that are saying that women who don’t hold the rope have in law issues. How does that even make sense? I have no issues with my in laws, i enjoy seeing them. I just don’t plan it.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. I do think its much harder on relationships to drop the rope than to never pick it up and that probably requires more graciousness so that the in laws don’t take it as big FU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s one perspective missing from this thread, and that is the possibility that when the wife takes over the in-law responsibility, it might weaken the husband’s relationship with his own family.

I’m a wife that never picked up the rope, so my DH has always done the communicating and gift giving for his family. And i think this has helped him stay close to them. He does care that he sees them and that they get gifts from us so he calls them and needs to know their lives and schedules and so forth to coordinate all of that. If i had always done that for him, he wouldn’t have all those conversations and bonds.

I also find it interesting the responses that are saying that women who don’t hold the rope have in law issues. How does that even make sense? I have no issues with my in laws, i enjoy seeing them. I just don’t plan it.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. I do think its much harder on relationships to drop the rope than to never pick it up and that probably requires more graciousness so that the in laws don’t take it as big FU.

Exactly. I never picked up the rope. I see my inlaws at least once a month. I love them and they love me — but I don’t organize all this stuff with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it years ago and it was amazingly freeing!

Of course, the ILs think now I'm somehow keeping my husband from spending time with them, but that's their issue, not mine.

I did it too. I too get blamed for the fact, he just doesn't want to see them!